Like a Hurricane

I have lived in many areas of the country thanks to the Army and because of that, I have had to "be prepared" for most of the natural disasters that affect our country at one time or another. Of all the natural disasters, I dislike hurricanes the most. Not because they are more damaging or terrifying, but because I hate the wait. In some cases, you will hear about an incoming hurricane 5-7 days or more before it's expected to reach land. While that seems like a good thing, the unpredictable nature of a hurricane and its path means you want to prepare but also aren't certain if it's truly necessary until several days later, so you sit, watch and wait- questioning what is the right action at that time.

This pre-deployment period feels a bit like that. I know we need to prepare and there are some things that we can prepare for. Yet there are some aspects for which there really is no good preparation. I cannot think of a good way to prepare for the loss of Drew's presence- not the work he does or the chores he helps with. I'm talking about his physical presence in our daily lives. I know no way to prepare or ease that lose and that is my biggest struggle these days. I feel as though I am sitting, watching and waiting for the approaching "storm-" certain that I should be doing something to prepare but questioning what is the right action for now and then.

Bluntly

It's quite late or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say it is very early and Drew is away. I know I should have been asleep hours ago to help me be best prepared to face the day ahead, but I couldn't go to sleep. Finally I got into bed hoping that would help, but in the end, all it did was make things worse. Six days.....six nights I've been alone going to bed and I don't like it. I want to be done and this hasn't even truly begun.

I don't want to do this.

I don't like the effects already appearing from just the pre-deployment. 

I really don't care to experience any more.

Frustratingly....

Sadly....

Resignedly....

None of that changes anything.

At least while these thoughts continue to swirl through my head, the thoughts from my last post do as well. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. 

Because I know, He holds the future.

Well Said

God sent his son

They called him Jesus

He came to love

Heal and forgive

He lived and died

To buy my pardon

An empty grave

Is there to prove

My Savior lives

Because he lives

I can face tomorrow

Because he lives

All fear is gone

Because I know

He holds the future

And life is worth the living

Just because he lives

How sweet to hold

A newborn baby

And feel the pride

And joy he gives

But greater still

The calm assurance

This child can face

Uncertain days

Just Because he lives

Because he lives

I can face tomorrow

Because he lives

All fear is gone

Because I know

He holds the future

And life is worth the living

Just because he lives

Sometimes there is no need to use new words. Some things have already been well said.

Because He lives, I CAN face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know-

 He holds the future.

Two Paths

I ranted a little to myself today. I felt a little slighted and insulted due to some comments made by people. I had told myself that most likely the individuals didn't mean for their words to come across the way they did and it's more than likely that I'm a little sensitive right now. Still I found that I was struggling to let the comments go. I was hurt and offended; I was frustrated by a double standard that is grossly unfair. My frustration and hurt left me injured and with initial impulses that were less than gracious when an unrelated request was presented. Thankfully, I said nothing and just let it be for the time.

A second ago as some of the frustration from the whole situation arose within me once again, I decided something. There will be many times when my emotions would take me down one path- a path of bitterness, frustration and worry- but I pray, that through God, I can overcome and let go of my hurt pride, my sorrow, and my doubt and walk a better path- a path of grace, compassion and faith.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

(The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost)

Confidence over Doubt

The deployment notice brought up all kinds of questions within me. Fears and concerns that I've wondered about before but never dwelt on because it wasn't necessary at the time. No reason to borrow worries, right? Well suddenly, some of those questions felt more pressing. The need to come up with a plan for the girls and I became far more urgent; the fears and concerns refused to be quelled so easily.

Two days later and what situation do I find myself in....

-I'm fighting a migraine which, within 36 hours, would take a nasty turn and present with a brand new side effect. Never a good thing.
-Noelle hadn't slept well for a few days due to, what we believe, is probably some secondary food allergy/sensitivity. (Yes, we're seeing the same side effects to dairy, soy milk and tomatoes that Naomi had but now with Noelle.) Her answer to everything was to scream. No amount of correction helped.
-Naomi decided to fight everything and listen to nothing.

Two days straight of this and I found myself just wanting to curl up in a ball alone somewhere in some dark corner. But that wasn't possible and all I could hear was this little nagging voice that kept saying, "If you can't handle this for- what?- 8-9 hours, how will you ever make it on your own for 7+ months?" Every time another issue arose, every time I gave in to frustration, the voice repeated itself.

I listened for awhile, fear and doubt swelling within me, but then decided to move on. The doubts subsided but returned with a new migraine this morning. The voice though didn't have a chance. Last night I was working on some homework for my Bible study and had to answer a question about how I would approach a challenging situation differently if I truly embraced what was said in Isaiah 40:28-31. My answer was confidence- confidence overcoming and replacing my doubt.

So when I woke with a migraine this morning, that nagging voice of worry and doubt ran into a wall for two reasons:

(1) It really doesn't matter what a situation right now makes me think or feel. It doesn't matter if I think I can do it or not. The reality is- I have to do it. Period.

(2) That voice is obviously not from God. For Isaiah 40:28-31 says,

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?

The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth

Does not become weary or tired.

His understanding is inscrutable.

He gives strength to the weary,

And to him who lacks might He increases power.

Though youths grow weary and tired,

And vigorous young men stumble badly,

Yet those who wait for the Lord

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary."

Strength for the weary--- Increased power for those who lack might--- Gained new strength--- Mount up on wings--- Run without tiring--- Walk without wearing down. God's promises for those who wait and rely on Him are the opposite of that voice, so the reality is that I do not have to do this alone. If I go to God and wait on Him, He will help me through- one way or another.

We are definitely not promised that we won't have to face wearying or mighty challenges, but we are given the opportunity to call on the One who is more than able. Living each day, each moment in that knowledge and assurance leaves no room for that doubting voice. Instead it is replaced with confidence- not in me, but in Him.

Half My Heart

Have you ever seen this car decal or one similar? I have many times. What thoughts run through our heads when we see it? What ran through mine? Honestly, there was some sympathy but it seemed like a cute phrase to say they were experiencing a deployment more than a description of what the person was feeling. I no longer view the phrase so lightly.

That first night I cried and cried. And when it seemed like I had more than cried enough, I found myself crying again. It may sound dramatic but it actually felt like my heart was being broken and someone had told me they were going to take half of my very heart. And as I acknowledged what I was feeling, this car decal came back to my thoughts. I understood it in a way I never had before and I'll never look at it the same way again.

Ancient Words

During our Bible study this last week, the presenter made a point that has really stuck with me. We've been studying Gideon and she pointed out that Satan knows who we are and what power we can possess as children of God. He doesn't like what he knows and so he tries his best to make us doubt and forget it. No matter how effective his efforts are, that doesn't change the truth. As children of God, we have access to limitless power and strength when we walk in obedience to the Lord. We just have to do our part to remember what God has shown us and told us through His word.

With the challenge of deployment looming before us, I thought that seemed like a wonderful personal study to pursue. How does God view me? What does it mean to be a child of God? And what truths should I claim that will silence Satan's lying tongue?

This morning in church service we sang this song:

Holy words long preserved
For our walk in this world
They resound with God's own heart
Oh, let the ancient words impart

Words of Life, words of Hope
Give us strength, help us cope
In this world, where e'er we roam
Ancient words will guide us home

Ancient words ever true
Changing me and changing you
We have come with open hearts
Oh, let the ancient words impart

(Ancient Words, Michael W Smith)


 As I was singing, ten words ran through my mind. 

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." 

I've never really felt like God has left me, but right now when it feels as though a very part of who I am is being taken away from our girls and I, it is such a wonderful reminder. We are NEVER alone.

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Depart from evil and do good, so you will abide forever. For the Lord loves justice and does not forsake His godly ones; They are preserved forever, but the descendants of the wicked will be cut off." Psalm 37:27-28

“The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst; I, the Lord, will answer them Myself, as the God of Israel, I will not forsake them." Isaiah 41:17