With Gratitude

"God will make a way where there seems to be no way. 

He works in ways we cannot see. 

He will make a way for me. 

He will be my guide, hold me closely to his side. 

With love and strength for each new day, 

He will make a way. He will make a way."

If there is one thing I have learned over the last 10 months it is that God will make a way where there seems to be no way. You see some things remained the same between our last deployment and the latest, but as often happens in life, other things had changed. And what had changed was not little. During our first deployment, we became very close with a couple from our church, and they became my go-to whenever I needed help- whether with child care or car troubles, lawn issues or loneliness. But in the 20 months between the 2014 deployment and the 2016 leave date, life had happened and this dear couple's circumstances and schedule had changed in such a way that I knew things couldn't work as they had before. How would I manage? The hole left was no small hole, and we fully expected Drew's absence would be even longer this time. But in what should have been a void, God stepped in and provided in absolutely incredible ways!

In those early weeks of the deployment, I had numerous appointments I had to keep where I could not have the girls with me. I counted and in less than 4 weeks, 10 different ladies offered to watch one or both of the girls free of charge. A couple even changed their schedules to work around my appointments and one, when I had to change an appointment when one of the girls took ill, asked me immediately when my rescheduled time was so she could be free to help.

Then in the month of January, we had a couple of incidences where I thought I might need to take one of the girls to a late night walk-in clinic or ER right at bedtime. Noelle cut her thumb on a large piece of glass just before bed and another time I watched as a fever, with medicine, continued to climb all day to 104 degrees Fahrenheit and began making plans should the temperature go up even higher. The problem was I had no plan as to who I would or could call late at night in the case of the emergency. I was fairly certain that there were several I could have called and they would have done whatever was necessary to help me, but I hated the thought of surprising someone with an emergency HELP ME call without discussing it with them first. (The planner in me doesn't like to inconvenience anyone.) After the second incident, I mentioned this source of stress during prayer time with my ladies' Bible study group and before I even finished my request, the ladies were passing around a slip of paper so I had names and numbers that I could call any time day or night. Even now I'm in tears as I recall this because, although another situation never arose and I never needed to call one of those ladies on that list, that slip of paper would hang on our refrigerator the remainder of the deployment and I never once looked at it without being reminded of the love and care of so many incredible women and the love and providence of God.

I can never say thank you enough to any of the ladies above, whether they watched the girls for me while I went to an appointment or a meeting or whether they eased my mind by offering to be on call. Both provided comfort and both were a reminder that I am not alone. Amazingly enough, those stories are just a drop in the bucket.

I am also so thankful for.......

My go-to gals who always had time for a phone call or a messenger chat, who patiently listened to my rambling stories and my craziness and helped me sort through the muddle of emotions and challenges.- Thank you for being a safe place to land and an honest but calming and wise voice.

My grandma who wrote daily devotionals and shared them with both Drew and I- Thank you for the time you put into it, the sound teaching found throughout them and the additional layer of connection you helped to create between Drew and I while we were separated.

The ladies- you know who you are- who were my go-to babysitters- Thank you for your willingness, your generosity and the love you brought to each visit. Thank you for making it possible for me to not only handle personal matters but also serve in ways outside of our home.

The ladies who took the girls out just so I could have a little time alone- Thank you for that precious commodity and thank you for the attention and love you showered on our girls.

To those who offered to help with the girls, whether you ever did or not, thank you for coming along side of us.

To those who stopped what they were doing to listen to my honest answer to the question, "How are you doing?", thank you for taking the time and caring.

To those who always had time to listen to the girls and get a hug (or two) whenever we stopped by the office, thank you for loving our girls so completely.

To those who listened to the latest parenting challenges I faced and offered encouragement and support as I tried to find a way to be both mom and dad to our girls, thank you for the grace you offered me and the guidance you shared.

To those who asked me how Drew was doing, even when I didn't have much new to report, thank you for remembering he remained very much a part of our thoughts and lives despite the distance.

To those who wrote me notes and sent me cards, thank you for remembering us and brightening my day.

To those who heard we were going through a deployment and left me poems, books and other materials, thank you for taking time after the fact to remember me and encourage us along the way.

To those who sent care packages to the girls and I, thank you for the reminder that our we are loved by so many, near and far away.

And to the many, many who hugged us and held us close, thank you for being there at just the right time.


Each and every one of you was a beautiful reminder that as a part of the body of Christ, we are never alone, and with each word and deed God silently whispered to me, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.." (Isaiah 41:10)

Teaching Me To Trust

After a long few weeks, I woke this morning and felt as though the very fibers of my being were strained to the point of breaking and my nerves were frazzled beyond repair. Stress, some unavoidable and some self-inflicted, was tearing at me and weighing me down. For days now, I have found myself thinking, “I can’t do this any longer.” As close as we may be, what remains is still far too much and the pressure of it all- the deployment, the parenting, the move, the unknowns and the waiting- were taking their toll.

My patience had reached a low point; my need for order, control and timeliness were screaming for attention and the girls were swept along in the wake. I know I was barely holding things together as we entered the church building this morning and while I know we stopped to speak to a few people before we headed in to service, sadly most of it is lost on me now just hours later.

As the service began, I held the girls close, hoping to bridge any rifts my distress might have created and I felt the tears brimming at the surface. As I tried to sing, my throat began to burn and words were hard to come by. And then, as He so often does, He reminded me ever so clearly that He knows what I face, He knows my struggles and He knows my sorrow. He can turn my tears into something beautiful and He is working even as I wait.

“There is strength within the sorrow

There is beauty in our tears

And You meet us in our mourning

With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You’re sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding

You’re teaching us to trust”

Lord,

You are faithful. You are forever and You are sovereign. I know this but I have to admit I don't always live this. Forgive me and help me to fight the lies of fear and stress with what I know to be true of You. Thank you for remaining true even when I falter and need reminding- time and again.

You are perfect in love. Lord I am so grateful for this, for I surely don't deserve it. As I sit here tonight, I look back and see how imperfect my love can be- for You, for our girls and for all You have created. Help me see those areas where my love should be more like Yours and give me the strength to pursue it, regardless of  all else.

Teach me to trust Lord- at all times, in all things, when I wake and when I lay down, when the plan seems clear before me and in the unknown and the waiting.

Separation

This separation from Drew is painful and no amount of time lessens the ache. It can still hit me like a freight train at just a moments' notice, and despite all that I say and do to help the girls with their own loss and pain, there are times when I cannot seem to take my own advice. That is where I found myself last night. For 161 days, we have relied on texts, emails, packages and video chats to help stay connected. And while I am grateful that we live in a time and place where this is even possible, I also have moments when I admit that video chatting isn't enough because all I really want, all the girls want, is Drew and nothing really makes up for that. In acknowledging that truth, my heart broke and  I wept for the time we've already been apart and the time still to go.

This morning as church service began, I found that all of those emotions were still simmering just below the surface. Still I fought to focus on the words and praise found within the songs and was so grateful for their message. The last song we sang was "What a Beautiful Name" by Hillsong.

Take a couple of minutes and listen to the whole song, if you aren't familiar with it. The message of the song is beautiful and such a wonderful reminder, but today I only saw one thing..... the phrase "My sin was great, Your love was greater; What could separate us now." Separate- a word that cut me to the heart and caused the tears to flow deeply and freely. And while the tears were tears of sadness at the separation I am enduring right now, they were also tears of joy. This separation from Drew leaves me with an almost tangible feeling of being ripped in half. It hurts and I carry that hurt with me every moment of each day. Yet still as much as Drew is my other half, a very real part of my very being now- Christ is more. The thought of being separated from Him is distressing, but the knowledge that nothing- absolutely NOTHING- can separate us now is an amazingly beautiful thing!

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39

For one who believes in Jesus and acknowledges his authority and lordship, these promises offer hope, comfort and strength. They keep me singing in the midst of my tears and keep me joyful in the midst of sorrow and separation.

Heavenly Father- 
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 
Thank you for concerning yourself with one such as me and never leaving me.
May I be more aware of your presence and may I seek to find you in each moment of every day.

Overcome

I just finished a bit of cardio and leg exercises, and despite following a routine similar to what I have completed in the past, I found that about a quarter of the way through I felt like I was at my quitting point. My thighs were burning. My heart racing. My lungs and throat felt like they were on fire, and I had a lovely headache building. (I'll be honest. The headache was the tipping point.) I didn't see how I would make it through and felt I might have to quit before reaching the end. The fight to persevere took hold though, and as I neared the midway point of my workout I didn't feel any changes physically, but mentally I committed to the idea of finishing. And as I did, a connection between my physical endeavor and my personal journey came to light.

So often with hardships, the start is daunting and the struggle can seem overwhelming and beyond painful. Yet as you approach the mid-point, the finish line becomes visible in the distance and with it, the will to continue. That is where I found myself in the middle of my workout. And as I pressed on, the end became all the clearer and with it, my determination rose. By the end, I was glad  I had persevered despite the struggles along the way and I knew I would be stronger because of it.

How true this is with the hardships we face in life! Even truer, if we are willing to lay those hardships at the feet of a loving and compassionate God. The road we travel will still be filled with times of pain and struggle, and there may very well be times when we feel that our only option is to give up. Yet if we commit and continue on the path laid before us while resting in the hands of our Heavenly Father, we will look back and acknowledging the pain and hardship, we can still be thankful for the journey and know we are stronger for it.

For me, the current hardship I am facing is deployment and all that goes with that- separation from my husband, best friend and confidant; the responsibility for our home, finances and all related decisions; bearing the weight of both mother and father for our girls and trying to fill in those gaps created by Drew's absence all while taking on the full care and parenting of our two girls, two girls who are facing their own struggles with the absence of their father.

For others, the hardship may be a body that is failing, a recent life-changing diagnosis or the on-going battle with a degenerative disease. The hardship may be financial troubles, the death of a loved one or a strained/broken relationship. For others it may be uncertainty about your future or the loss of a long-held dream. Whatever you face, the hardship is real. The pain is palpable and ever-present, and the end seems impossible.

Yet no matter what hardship you find yourself in or how long the road may be, do not be dismayed for with God you can be an overcomer.

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Lord- 

You are a loving and compassionate Father, who cares about the lives of his earthly children. Thank you for the grace and peace you offer to all and the strength and endurance you provide to those who turn to you.

Thank you for those you have placed in our lives- the men and women who love on our girls and support us during our time of separation and loneliness. Thank you for never leaving us.

I know many who are facing mighty hardships in this world and for some right now, their road seems unending and unbearable. I pray for them now- as I have in the past. I pray that through you they will find the strength they need for this day and I ask that you would grant them peace in the midst of their turmoil. Lord, surround them with others who can encourage and uplift them and help us all to have open eyes to see those near us who are hurting and in need of a comforting and guiding touch.

And in this moment, may we reflect your light upon this world as we overcome what holds us down.