When Mommy Isn't Watching

The timing of Drew's call yesterday and my outpouring must have been God-given, for today I needed every extra ounce of strength and patience I could possess (plus more).

The girls are challenging me. Both in their own way. With Noelle, I have a good idea how I need to address her challenges as she doesn't truly like to get in trouble and therefore lacks any strong conviction to disobey or defy. Naomi is another issue. She can be openly stubborn and defiant. There are time I can easily recall a look in her eye that told me that nothing I said or did would get through at that time because she had entrenched herself and wasn't going to budge. Yet more often, Naomi is  likely to employ sneakiness. She'll be the picture of obedience in my presence or the presence of any other adult, but the minute we are gone, she'll be quietly disobeying- either with her own hands or by encouraging others to do so in her stead. This sneakiness has made a reappearance in the last few weeks but was caught red-handed today.

This morning I had to correct and talk with Naomi about encouraging Noelle to disobey and how her part in such a situation is disobedience as well. Then this evening after going outside no more than a few minutes earlier, I caught her doing something I would never, NEVER have thought she would do. We have addressed the issue so thoroughly in smaller ways that I would never have imagined she would choose to do something so flagrant, but she did just that.

Please pray for us as we move ahead. It has always been very emotionally and physically taxing to consistently and faithfully address Naomi's sneaky disobedience. Its presence seems to ebb and flow but once it begins, it usually lasts several weeks before she decides it isn't worth it. Now I find myself in the midst of this once again, but it is compounded by Noelle's new-founded disobedience and the many stresses of the deployment.


Lord,

Help me in the days ahead. Let me take them one at a time, even one moment at a time if need be. Give me the strength, patience and wisdom to address the issues that have arisen with the girls. Help me to appropriately and consistently guide and correct them when needed. 

Be with Naomi and help her to see her actions are never truly out of sight. May she see and learn the value of truthful living- both in her words and her deeds. 

Help me as I look for places I can better prioritize and look for options that will help me manage the multitude of responsibilities I find placed on my shoulders during this deployment. May I not become so task-focused that I miss a greater need of the girls.

Despite The Miles Between

Under the umbrella of God's love comes so much- His comfort, His presence, His patience, His grace, His body of believers. Our family, our friends, our church- they are all gifts from God who have encouraged and supported us in this time and many of whom have reminded us where to focus, whom to look towards, whom to rely upon and where our strength comes from. I am ever so thankful for all of those God has brought into our lives and their help through this time, but even more so, I am thankful that God brought one man into my life.

I have talked with several people lately about some of my struggles. They all have been most caring, considerate and encouraging, yet still I found self-recriminations and stress getting the best of me. Yesterday we were able to get on Skype with Drew and without intending it, I ended up sharing with him, all in the midst of tears. I felt terrible laying that knowledge at his feet, knowing there was nothing he could physically do to help me despite his desires and wishes.  At the same time though, I felt the burden begin to lift. I cannot explain it. In typical Drew fashion, he said very little except to reassure me that it was okay to share and express what I was feeling, yet the effect of sharing with Drew brought a peace I haven't felt concerning the issues in days, if not weeks. It continues to amaze me how quickly and easily he can calm some of those nagging voices in my head and quiet the doubts that assault me, and at times like that, I can only thank God that He brought us together.

God has brought great comfort, strength and peace to my heart and soul and uses Drew to continue to calm and quiet my thoughts. I am so thankful for His guidance which led me to ignore pressure and concerns and wait for a summer in Texas and a 19 year old young man, a man who has understood me better than any one else I have ever met and who can, with a simple joke and incredible smile, erase doubts and fears from thousands of miles away.

120 days down..... and I know now- more than ever- how much I cherish my husband.

120 Days

                It has been

                                  3.9 months-

                                                     17 weeks-

                                                                      120 days-

                                                                                      since Drew left.

Wow! That seems incredible, especially when I consider it in terms of days. Have we really marked off 120 days of what will likely be nearly 300 days of separation? In some ways that is encouraging (as long as I don't consider the opposite side of the coin and look at how much time is left). We are slowly making it. I have had some bad days. I have had several roller coaster weeks but we are making it.

We are making it

1 day at a time - with  2 eyes on the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Lord,

Sometimes the pain is so unbearable. Drew's absence is never far from me or my thoughts, but there are so many times when I tangibly feel his absence in my chest- a pressure, a hole. It hurts beyond all reason, and it can consume me- my thoughts, my actions, my every emotion. 

My thoughts are so scattered right now. They jump from one issue related to Drew to the next, yet one thing I know for certain. I don't want the next many months to be filled with this. I realize there will be moments and days when I will feel the full extent of the sorrow and pain, but I don't want to live there. Not only for my sake or the girls, but because I know there are so many others who are suffering and dealing with their own struggles all around me.

Help me, Lord, to look past my own pain and see those around me. Open my eyes, Lord, and let me see what You see and feel as You feel.

When The Floodgates Open

I suppose it was only a matter of time. All it took was one small, seemingly minor comment (at least to the speaker), and I saw the dam break and the floodgates open. 

Drew and I have had spotty, inconsistent communication for the last month or more. Whether it be Skype or the post (mailing packages), things have been rough going and nothing like what people assured us we could expect to help us stay connected throughout this time. It has been wearing. 

Drew finally got his new mailing address at Kandahar and two days later (just after the weekend), we were at the post office to send him another care package with everything from goodies and treats and items he'd requested to personal letters, drawings and pictures. I had everything ready to go, or so I thought. When I got to the counter, I was told that I couldn't use the customs form as I had filled it out and needed to complete a new one. However the new form didn't resolve the issue, so I did the best I could given what I was provided with. I finished up and went back to the counter. The clerk began to process the package, sticking on the customs forms, and handling my payment. At the very end, she tells me that she doesn't know if the package will ever make it to him as customs may well return the box due to the forms. She had never seen them done this way before. The dam broke at that moment and all logical thought left, so I never thought to ask for the package back. Instead I now have to hope that our package, so carefully and lovingly compiled just for Drew, makes it to him in decent time.

Of course, it is possible there will be no difficulty with the package and it may seem like a small thing, but for me on this day, it was the last thing I wanted or could hear. These care packages are my little way to tangibly show Drew our love, to share a piece of home with him while he is far away, and it felt like it was being taken away. That was heaped on everything else and before I knew it, the tears began and unlike in the past, I couldn't stop them. For the first time since Drew left, I couldn't find any motivation to put one foot in front of the next. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and hide from the world- preferably until next March- even as the girls played nearby. The pain of loss and sorrow were unrelenting and overwhelming, and I just wanted to have Drew walk in the door, take me in his arms and wipe away the tears.

As I lay there, words from a song we sang at church yesterday came back to me:

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

(In Christ Alone by Natalie Grant)

And from there, I felt drawn to Psalms:

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain.  I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me." Psalm 3:3-5


I sit four days later looking back over the week that began so tumultuously and I can say with absolute certainty that God has truly sustained me, but not only that, He has lifted my spirit, calmed my emotions, guided my hands and feet and returned my smile.