The Faith of a Child

So originally, I planned on sharing the story of talking to Naomi about why Daddy would need to carry a gun, but as I thought about it more, I saw an even bigger story.

Naomi has continually amazed me throughout all of the lead up to Drew's deployment. When we first sat down and told her about Drew's deployment, he explained that his work needed him to go help over on the other side of the world. Her first question was, "Are there lots of bombs over there?" And when she was told there were, she said, "So you are going to protect the people from those bombs?" At the time, it seemed a fairly perceptive series of questions for a four year old and we also recognized that she didn't seem to fear the idea of Drew working with bombs. We assumed this was due to her limited knowledge of bombs. (She only knows of them from Mythbusters where no one has ever been hurt by a bomb. They are just fun and exciting.) As I look back now though, she must have more understanding of bombs because she recognizes that other people need to be protected from them.

Then for the next several weeks, life went on as usual and Naomi seemed almost completely unphased by Drew's coming departure. Until just a few days ago, when she asked him, "You will try to stay safe, right Daddy?" And here, we had our first clue that she knows there is danger involved with this trip. Yet still from her demeanor and voice, it was obvious that she's not worried about his safety.

Lastly this morning, we were headed to the commissary at the US Air Force Academy. When we got to the gate, Naomi noticed the MP who was standing guard and checking IDs. She commented that the MP's uniform was different than Daddy's but that he was wearing something "just like Daddy's." I asked, "What is that, Naomi?" And she replied, "That thing strapped to his leg"- his gun holster. After I explained what a holster was, she commented, "But Daddy doesn't use guns." This led to a discussion about why Daddy would have a holster, how she will likely see pictures of him with guns and why he needs to carry a gun while he's away.  At the end, I asked Naomi if she had any other questions about all that we discussed, and she had just one. "What if Daddy has to shoot someone?"

All of these conversations have had their challenges. They are hard topics and can be difficult for older children and even adults, and we needed to help our four year old daughter understand while protecting her from unnecessary details and information, and still try to offer comfort and peace. Naomi's responses and demeanor tells a lot about how she views her Daddy.

Of course I haven't come close to capturing her attitude or emotions in this short space, but it has been quite evident that Naomi's faith in her Daddy is unshakable. No matter what information we shared, her trust and faith in her Daddy has left no room for doubt of who he is or his ability. Do I have that same, unshakable, absolute faith in my Heavenly Father? When things don't seem to be "right," "fair," or "good," which do I question first- my thoughts or God? When times are tough, do I run to my Heavenly Father knowing He helps, saves, protects and works all things for the good or do I place my trust in other lesser things?

Naomi has the faith of a child- because she is just that. Maybe I need more of that.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

Daddy's Special Jobs

The night before Drew left, he talked with Naomi and gave her a few special responsibilities or "jobs" that Drew normally did to help me, but now he was asking her to take over those jobs and do them while he was away. Drew and I had discussed a few possibilities, but we also left it up to him to decide on the final jobs. I was out of the room when they talked but I heard what he was telling her (so I would know). One of the jobs Drew thought of by himself was tidying up the shoes in our entry way. When I heard it, I thought it was a cute, easy task that would be good without hopefully becoming too much of a chore.

The evening Drew left, Naomi took care of the shoes while I changed Noelle's diaper upstairs. When she was done, she also came upstairs for pajamas and bedtime. Then, as is usual, I stayed up in our bedroom listening for the girls to make sure they were settling down and not playing, ect. By the time I headed downstairs, I had forgotten about the special job. Then I turned the corner and saw this:

I nearly melted. It was like a little hug from a precious little girl and an incredible hug from my husband. Naomi had followed Drew's request to a T, without any guidance or help and no fussing or complaining. And Drew, Drew had thought of everything. Not only did he think of Naomi and a task she could do on his behalf, but he had thought of me and a simple act that would help me in ways beyond the standard running of the house. He knows I like things neat and tidy and that too much chaos in the house can really affect my stress level. This special job helps calm some of the chaos (or debris as I often call it) that comes with two little girls and reminds me of all the little things Drew did around the house, just to make things a little easier for me. And even though he is away, he is still caring for my needs from afar.

The Lord is Your Keeper

Well I think it has begun- the emotional upheaval seems to be gathering steam at a steady pass.

Over the last few days when I considered how short the time before Drew left, my response to that reality seemed almost surreal. I wasn't hiding from the truth; I wasn't avoiding or ignoring it, but it didn't have the sting and pain attached that I would have expected. Today at about 5 pm, all of that changed. The tears have begun to flow and they are coming often. Almost every time Drew does anything Drew-like (and imagine how often that is), I cry because I'm going to miss him and everything about him so much. Our home just isn't the same without him.

As another round of tears threatened to fall, a song came to mind, and because of the song, Scripture as well.

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills—

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

The Lord is your shade at your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;

He shall preserve your soul.

The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in

From this time forth, and even forevermore."

Psalm 121

Thank you, Mom, for encouraging me to sing that Brooklyn Tabernacle song with you all those years ago and in the process instilling within me a portion of Scripture that has blessed me time and again.

Thank you, Lord, for being the One who made heaven and earth, the One who concerns Himself with someone as simple and insignificant as me, the One who is with me through each night and remains by my side through each day. Lord, your faithfulness, love and grace are incredible and incredibly undeserved. Thank you for showering them on me despite all of that. 

All praise to the Keeper of my soul, Keeper of my family's souls, Keeper of this world.

Three Hundred Sleepless Nights

I was getting ready to take a shower this morning and I did something I never do. I took my cell phone into the bathroom. Kind of a pointless action since I wouldn't get out of the shower if it rang or anything, but still, there it lay on the counter as I stepped into the shower. So hearing my cell phone ring while I was in the shower and unable to address it in any way, also put me in a place where I could just listen to my ringtone- the first part of the chorus of Laura Story's "Blessings", a song I have long loved.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know Your near?
What if trials of this life are Your blessings in disguise?

As far as I know right now, God's not asking me to have a thousand sleepless nights, but I may have around three hundred. Maybe that's just what is needed.

In those times when life seems too hard, painful or just impossible to bear, God is in control, and no matter what brought the circumstances to bear, God either has a purpose or can use the situation for incredible good.

What if blessings come through this deployment?
What if healing comes through my tears?
What if three hundred sleepless nights is what it takes to know God's near?
Remember that trials of this life may be blessings in disguise.

Questions

Drew and I are a true team when it comes to parenting and our combined presence is a huge benefit. When one of us is tired or sick, the other is there to help pick up the slack. 

I find myself thinking ahead (and not that far ahead anymore) and wondering:

Who will pick up the slack on days when I have a headache?
How will I go on- day in and day out?

Who will pick up the slack when I'm too tired to keep my eyes opened?

How will I maintain consistency at such times?
Who can step in with a level head to appropriately administer a consequence/discipline when I'm frazzled and at the end of my rope from the constant barrage of defiance and tantrums?
Who will lighten the mood when my thoughts unnecessarily weigh me down?

I know that we have been blessed with a wonderful church family here in Colorado Springs and I know many women who would do whatever they could to help me during hard times like the ones that weigh on my mind. Even greater though, a scripture verse has been revealed to me several times lately and while it doesn't give me answers to my questions above, it does tell me how to go on with or without the answers:

Out of the Blue

It was a good moment. 

We were laughing and playing- 

just enjoying a little time together while getting ready to head out. 

Everything seemed great 

and then, out of the blue, I am crying. 

Not a little cry either. 

No, this was a deep, heart-wrenching cry.

All because of one simple, little thought:

"I'm going to miss this."

Life Lessons

Life is constantly presenting us with lessons and many of these come to us indirectly. Whether good or bad, every moment teaches us something. We can learn strength, perseverance, graciousness, compassion, generosity, kindness, humility. We can learn pride, self-centeredness, anger, fear, selfishness. Even in our down times or on those days when it seems that nothing exceptional is happening, we can learn how to overcome boredom, the value of consistency, work and faithfulness.

Having children has helped me realize just how much we are constantly taking in. Our oldest has always been very verbal and quickly picked up a large vocabulary as well as being sensitive to the tone used in conversations. Our youngest mimics every action- obviously picking up on our body language and motor skills. Everything we do, everything we say and alternatively everything we do not do or say is noticed and internalized by our girls. They are constantly learning from us.

What will they learn in the upcoming months? What would we like for them to learn when it comes to how they handle a sense of loss, fear, worry, strong emotions?

What will they learn about the love of a father even when time and distance separates them- leaving them unable to communicate, see or touch him in the way they are accustomed? And what lesson could they (and myself) one day learn about God thanks to this time apart from their Daddy?

We know that being separated from Drew- being unable to see, touch or hear him will not equal a lack of concern or care. It won't mean he loves us less or is disinterested. Similarly there are times when it may feel as though God is silent and we struggle with the inability to see or feel him tangibly. But just as during this deployment the girls will know their Daddy still loves them, cares for them, wants the best for them, teaching them through me and his words- so God also is at work in our lives during those "silent times." Distance and "silence" doesn't mean a lack of concern, care or love with their earthly Daddy and it doesn't and won't mean that with their Heavenly Father.  The "silence" may just be the finishing of a good work. Just as Drew will be completing a good work for his profession, God- if we allow Him- may be completing a good work in our lives.

I hope and pray that some day the girls will know this not just with their heads but in their hearts and I pray that I can help them learn this lesson in the months and years ahead.

Whether good or bad, every moment can teach us something.

What will you learn this day? What will I? And what will we teach to those around us through our words and deeds?

Bigger Than Fear

The biggest issues I'm dealing with lately involve fear. Ironically right now it is not so much a concern about Drew's safety- though I'm sure I'll have to deal with that more once he's over there. Right now I fear how I'll care for the girls day in and day out, how I'll help them with their feelings, how to not let my own emotions overwhelm my actions. I fear how well I will really be able to do my "job" during this deployment.

 I have had to face fears related to Drew's absence before. In Albuquerque, I initially struggled with a sense of insecurity being home alone at night. With time and regular reminders, I rested in the knowledge that God is in control when Drew is home and when he is away. Even if something bad happened, my life and those of our girls are in His hands. I found myself reliving some of those fears these last few weeks as I locked up at night and noticed all the big, easily accessible windows in our home. Once again, I had to remind myself God is bigger than any of my fears.

Two Sundays past, our minister spoke about fear- the good aspects of fear, the bad effects of fear and the One we should fear. One of his points was that fear paralyzes our potential.

Fear paralyzes potential. How could my fears during this deployment paralyze me? I could "zone out" so I don't have to face them or "freeze up" because the burden seems too much- thereby allowing my fears a greater chance to actually occur. I could wallow in self-pity and think only of myself, thereby not giving God the chance to work in my life or through my life. I could hesitate to help the girls with milestones (potty training, moving into a big girl bed, ect.) because it might be too hard or even more strain on me, thereby opening the door to even greater delays for much longer than 9 months.

If I don't give in to my fears and instead I turn my fear into an active faith in God- who is greater than any of my fears, what could happen then? I personally cannot even imagine but I know, while it may still be hard- very hard- it will be amazing in the end because God's ways are mysterious, incredible and perfect.

Inexcusable?

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." 

-C.S. Lewis

I saw the quote above on Facebook tonight and it struck deep. You know those times when something is speaking directly to you, nearly demanding consideration and a response. For me, I view those times as nothing less than the moving of the Holy Spirit in my life and reading that quote lead to one of those moments.

Yesterday, I ended my day deeply hurt due to words from someone who is family. I doubt this person intended for their words to be a poisoned dart or anything of that nature, but in making what may have seemed like an innocent statement to them, they revealed some of their true feelings about me- their negative perceptions of who I am, how I treat them and why. I cannot deny that I have often been tempted and even encouraged by others to do just what this individual said, but no matter what my initial feelings, I do try to go back and make certain I am fairly considering each situation when the initial shock, frustration, anger or hurt has passed. I know I haven't been perfect. I'm certain I have failed in my pursuits more than once. Through my own words or tone, I an certain that I have at times conveyed a different message, but I have always trusted that my family and true friends will recognize the situation as the exception and take it in the context of who they know me to be at heart. Either this particular family member doesn't do that or they don't have a nice view of who I am at heart. It is hard to think that someone who should be so close to you can take such a narrow, sad view of you. 

Then two wonderful things happened today.

 (1) After briefly mentioning the situation to my sister and asking for prayer, she reminded me to look to God's word to see how He views me and remember that who I am is found in Christ alone and He alone can define my value and worth. She encouraged me to read about how He views me. 

(2) C.S. Lewis' quote helped give the whole situation perspective. Was this offense inexcusable? Perhaps but probably not and even if it was, it is nothing compared to all that I have done to God. God has not given up on me. He has not turned His back or hardened His heart. There is no better example for me as I move forward in my relationship with this family member.

A Young Man

Ten years ago this month, I met a young man..... and my life has never been the same.

That young man  was my friend during a rough summer.
That young man  was the first person with whom I have been a faithful pen pal for any real length of time.
That young man  helped strengthen my communication skills during a year long distance relationship.
That young man  led to my move to Texas to see "what might be."
That young man  introduced me to whoops, Midnight Yell, the 12th Man, Silver Taps, and the Century Tree.
That young man  kept me far from that beautiful tree, not even allowing me a glimpse of it, until we went back the night he proposed.
That young man  made me his wife on a rainy day in January.
That young man  encouraged and supported me in my work and career.
That young man  held my hand when I ranted and fought against the Army life.
That young man  and I have welcomed two precious little girls into our lives.
That young man  has loved who I am today, who I am becoming and who I could some day be.
That young man  has opened my eyes to the beauty and value of silence.
That young man  makes me laugh throughout the day.
That young man  has taught me much about a deep-seated faith and a life lived in confidence of eternity.
That young man  lives a life of love, faith, service, honor, devotion, sacrifice and joy.
That young man  holds my hand and my heart.
That young man  is my friend, my partner, my confidant, my other half, my love.

Ten years ago, I started on a journey with a young man. Nothing that happens this month will change that. Though apart we still travel this road together. Through joy and in trials, we rest ourselves in the hands of One who is greater.

Time Marches On

May is a full month.

May is turning into a beautiful month.

May is going to be a hard month.

I've never wanted to drag my feet as much as I want to right now. If only that action would somehow slow down time, but that's not how things work. Time just marches on. Time marched right through April and into May. For me, May feels like one big, horrible countdown. Every event, no matter how enjoyable or anticipated also marks the passing of time and how little is left before Drew leaves. I don't want everything to be tainted by the ticking clock, the steady beat of time, which I hear almost constantly in the background of my thoughts these days. These days are precious- for all of us and I don't want to be too busy or too anxious to miss out on here and now.

A Beautiful Day

While driving in the car today, Jamie Grace's A Beautiful Day came on the radio. As it ended, Naomi piped up, "Jamie Grace is perfect for this beautiful day," (which I quickly recognized was her way of saying that Jamie's lyrics were perfect for this day). She was right. It was a beautiful day. The weather was lovely and with our windows rolled down, we were enjoying it even from inside our car. But it was more than that.

We had full bellies and more food at home. We had a home to return to. We had a car to get us from point A to point B. We had friends with whom we could share in celebration of coming babies and birthdays. We had the freedom to openly participate in our church.

Yes, I had a headache but I was alive to experience it.
Yes, the girls challenged me and had their moments of bad behavior, but we were together.
Yes, Drew was out of town (for the third week in a row), but he was coming home this afternoon (and wouldn't be heading out again for nearly a month).

We had had the chance to help and serve; we had the opportunity to share; we had the ability to work and to play. And above all, we had been given another day to praise and honor our God and Heavenly Father.

It was, indeed, a beautiful day.

No Matter What

There is a pattern in Psalms that I wish it emulate. No matter what is going on the life of the given author, praise of God is nearly always included. The psalm may begin in praise or it may end in praise. Some do both. In any event, the author's situation does not dictate if God will be praised. That is only fitting though. No matter what our circumstances or what we may be feeling, God is still and always will be worthy of our praise.

So as I go forward, I want to remember to praise God. I may not always like my situation; I may feel inadequate, lonely or afraid or I may have a great day. No matter what, God deserves and should receive my praise.

To begin, I'll remember one of my favorite doxologies:

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen!" Jude 24