Faithful to the Finish

Today our home church said goodbye to a well-loved minister and his family, as they head out for a new ministry in another state. He spoke one last time during church service on being "Faithful to Finish." In his message, he was specifically talking about our lifetime- being faithful until our time on earth is complete. Yet over the course of the day, it has taken on even greater meaning for me.

Of course, I desire nothing more than to hear the Lord tell me, "Well done, good and faithful servant" when my life on earth is done, and I do my best to live in such a way that it will come to fruition. Yet right now, the deployment has made me a bit more short-sighted when it comes to most things. It is hard to look too far ahead because I am reminded how long it will be until Drew returns. Perhaps it is short in the long run, but it is ever so long at this moment. Instead I find that I am just handling the needs for this day (and maybe some basic plans for the week).

Being faithful to the finish is challenging as my own desires and feelings often struggle against something far greater than I, and not just on the scope of my lifetime. For right now I just want to faithfully finish this hard time in our life, and sometimes I have to find the ability just to be faithful to the finish of the day. Especially lately, I have felt overwhelmed by all the burdens of responsibility at home as well as the unceasing sorrow of Drew's absence, and I have voiced to myself that I just didn't see how I could do it for another six months. A week or so ago, I was probably at the lowest I have been since Drew left, and the only way I have come up out of it was by being faithful- just for the day ahead.

Faithful to complete the tasks set before me during this time. 

Faithful to recognize my inability and His great ability. 

Faithfully relinquishing my control and relying on His strength and omnipotence. 

Faithfully trusting in His promises, providence, love and grace.

As I sit here looking back over the last three months and facing another six, I know there is only one way to faithfully finish the course set before me. "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." (1 Corinthians 15:58) And while I do not know the future and could not even tell you with certainty how tomorrow will turn out, I have confidence that persevering in this effort will lead to peace in the midst of sorrow and strife. For "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal," (Isaiah 26:3-4) and  "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Lord,

Great God, mighty and strong to deliver us from all troubles, yet loving us enough to let us endure as a Father with His children. Thank you for your incredible faithfulness, despite my often wandering heart and stubborn will. May I faithfully follow and serve you in this time- knowing that living faithfully for this day will one day lead to faithfully finishing.

This I Know

Today Drew confirmed that, at least for a short while, his circumstances were changing, placing him in far greater danger. It was hard to consider initially. I could feel this heaviness weigh down on my chest and it seemed nothing could lift it. At first, my thoughts were consumed with the many hazards and "what ifs", but I did my best to replace those thoughts with things I know are certain and prayed that God would help me stay focused on those.

I know.....

The Lord is always with me-

Deuteronomy 31:8- "The Lord Himself is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Hebrews 10:23- "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;"


God commands a mighty army-

2 Kings 6:15-17- "Now when the attendant of the man of God had risen early and gone out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was circling the city. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” And the Lord opened the servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha."

"I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side"

"Whom Shall I Fear" by Chis Tomlin

All I have to do is look up-

Psalm 121- "I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever."

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine."

"Oceans" by Hillsong United

And trust in Him-

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Psalm 9:10- "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You."

Isaiah 12:2- “Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation.”

John 14:1- "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me."

Romans 15:13- "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

"And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul."

"It is Well" by Bethel Music

To Run a 5K

I have been planning to write this for several weeks now, but I have avoided it. Once it's out there, people will know and then I'll have to follow through. That's actually why I want to share this and it's why I have hesitated to share.

I have never been athletic. I never attended a dance or gymnastics class; I never participated in peewee soccer or t-ball. I wasn't on a jr. high or high school sports team. I struggled in PE, always feeling awkward and uncomfortable except for the occasional activity. It's not that I never wanted to be in sports, but that awkwardness and discomfort always stilled any thoughts I might have had.

To make matters worse when I was in seventh grade, I began having grand mal seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. After that diagnosis, I never ran another mile in school. I would begin along with the rest of my class each fall and spring for the Presidential Fitness test, but each time as I was wearing down- somewhere between the half mile and three quarter mile mark, my teacher would notice me and become concerned because I looked so pale, ect. They worried I might go into a seizure and would pull me from the run before I finished it.

Fast forward more than half of my life time.

It was last summer. We had recently moved to Virginia and I had been working on taking off the last few pounds that I had put on from my second pregnancy. I didn't want to be stuck in the house, so I decided to take advantage of our location and began to run from our house down to the marina and back. It was exactly one mile. After my first run, I was already hooked. I enjoyed it more than I had imagined. It wasn't fun, but the thought of what I could accomplish attracted me. That was the first time I thought about running a 5K.

Months passed again. We moved to Colorado and were notified of Drew's deployment. I knew between church, volunteering, Naomi beginning school and my hobbies, we would have plenty to keep us busy, but I wanted a goal of some kind to work towards during his deployment. Running a 5K came back to mind. I asked Drew that if, when he returned, I was up for it, would he run a 5K with me? Not surprisingly, he said he would.

With the routine that school has brought to our life, I have started to regularly go to the YMCA to work toward that goal. I cannot lie. It is hard; I am ever so intimidated to be in a room filled with work out machinery and I don't feel like I really belong on the running track either. I feel like that awkward, non-athletic teenager once again. This time though I will overcome because the thought of running with Drew spurs me on.

Mark my word. Next spring/summer, you will see pictures of Drew and I after completing my first 5K.

The Two Faces of Skype

Oh Skype, you are both wonderful and torturous at the same time.

You have been such a blessing, helping our family to connect in a way we could never have done before. It is so good to see and hear Drew. It is wonderful to be able to share with him on the girls' birthdays and other momentous events here at home. It is so sweet to see him and know he is well. It is incredible to see a brief smile or share a private moment that are so prevalent when we're together.Then there's the girls- although they may not focus much on the computer during the calls, they are obviously calmed by the brief moments they see and speak to him. In such ways, you are beyond wonderful.

But there is another side to this Skype relationship that tears at my heart. More and more, we find ourselves sitting with the computer near, signed in to Skype, waiting. Thirty, forty-five, sixty minutes pass and no call can be connected. The hope of seeing Drew, the joy and calm that comes from whatever time we can manage before the call is lost or dropped, is torn from our hands, leaving an even greater sense of loss. In this way, you are nothing more than a tease and most torturous.

 Lately I have had to bite my tongue when people tell me how lucky we are to have Skype, as lately Skype has only seemed to highlight the separation and loss instead of minimizing it. Yet I know that these individuals mean it for the best and do not realize how difficult it has been for Drew to get and maintain an internet connection that can support a call- video or voice. I also know that while lately Skype has been less wonderful and more of a tease, I am still ever, ever so thankful for the opportunity to celebrate both of the girls birthdays with Drew and each chance we have to see each other. No it's not enough, but then again, I don't expect it to ever be enough. For now, I just need to focus on the good it has brought us and be thankful for that.

"In the day of prosperity be happy,

But in the day of adversity consider—

God has made the one as well as the other

So that man will not discover anything that will be after him."

Ecclesiastes 7:14

Normal

This weekend I ran into a situation where I could really use a second set of eyes and outside opinion to help direct my thoughts and actions along the best forward path. Typically I would turn to Drew. Given the circumstance, though, I hesitated to contact him now- as if he really needed my petty troubles to consider given his current locale. So I began to think about other individuals, but in the end because of personal reasons, I didn't feel comfortable going to anyone else with this situation. So I did what I have done for so many years now. I turned to my husband.

Despite the distance, time difference and his long work hours, he still managed to write back with a thought out response within half a day. I'm not certain I can fully express how wonderful that was. In the midst of this whole separation, this interaction felt "normal". That's not something I feel much of these days with Drew so far away and so difficult to reach. Yet today, things between us felt normal and for that I am ever so grateful. There is not much that I desire more than to get back to our normal family life and today I was granted a reminder that someday, feeling normal will not be foreign. No, someday- once again- normal will be the norm.

Going Home

So after nearly two and a half weeks visiting family, it is time to begin to prepare and think about going home. The only problem is that I'm not certain where home is.

We'll be returning to Colorado because that is where we reside.....for now. That is where we volunteer, attend school, rent a home and store our worldly possessions. But does a closet of clothes and a cupboard of family heirlooms make a home? No- I love how we have decorated our house and cherish our family heirlooms, but our home is not a home just because of the things inside. It's been our home because of the family that is within the walls. Right now though, most of the family travels with me and the rest, well the rest won't be in Colorado any time soon. So is Colorado our home or is it merely our residence?

I also love my family. I love my parents and my siblings. I love my grandparents. And while I love them all, enjoy every moment we have together, and may be more at peace and at rest when with them, their homes are not my home any longer. The rhythm of my life was forever altered when I said "I do," and there is no going home in the same way as before.

So if Colorado isn't our home and our extended family isn't our home, where is home? The first response that comes to mind is, "Home is where the heart is." So where is my heart?

A part follows along behind me- and I mean that quite literally at times. Our two little ducklings often trail behind this Mama Duck and I know where I am, they'll not be too far away. So in this case, home could be anywhere of my choosing.

A big part of my heart is in Afghanistan. We have worked for more than seven years now to make our two lives one and home just isn't home without him. For now though, being with him isn't possible.

And here's where the math gets fuzzy, because I know with all certainty that all of my heart is actually beyond this world-yearning for my soul's rest and home in heaven. “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21 So can I ever be "at home" here on earth?

It seems to me that God has given us, through our relationships, a taste of the home He has and is preparing for us. I know the joy, peace, rest and contentment I have when I am with Drew and our girls and if that is just a foretaste of what is to come, Oh what delights await those who faithfully follow and serve Him!