Two Small Shoulders

Our two little girls are belted into their car seats. I give my Mom one last hug. We pray together. Then I slide behind the wheel of the car and set off. Another journey has begun.

18 hours of driving lie before me.

It doesn't take long for my thoughts to begin to consider all that I am leaving behind and what we are heading towards.

I have enjoyed living closer to my parents and my older sister and family. We still had a good day's drive to get to each other's house. Still  6-9 hours is definitively better than 17-20 and I have enjoyed the short time we lived that close to each other. This day, I had to say goodbye to that proximity. No plans are yet in place for the next time we will see each other and that is always hard to bear.

A little weight lands upon my shoulders.

One of our girls begins to cry which quickly becomes louder and more demanding. I only have two hands and can only reach so far around my seat, but I do what I can. I talk to her comfortingly; I sing. I ask our other daughter to help by giving her a toy. I turn on some lively music that she typically enjoys. My efforts are futile; nothing is working.

Another little weight lands upon my shoulders.

Just as our littlest begins to calm down and accept her situation, our oldest speaks up. "How much longer?" "I don't want to leave Grandma and Grandpa." "I want to go back home." "I don't like this day." "I'm mad at this day!." I offer what little comfort and reassurance I can while still driving.

Another weight drops upon my shoulders.

One hour down. Seventeen to go. Will I survive this trip? Will the girls? How do I help them when I'm weighed down with my own worries, fears, and sadness?

Another weight lands.

Technically we are homeless. We returned the keys to our home a few days back and have no home yet in Colorado. My task is to get there so we can begin the house hunting. How will I juggle the demands of looking at homes with the needs of tired, stressed, unsettled little girls?

Another weight drops.

What church will we attend? What school will our daughter attend? Can I put myself out there again to meet new people and make new friends?

Drop. Drop. Drop.

Focus on driving. The girls may be struggling and asking for you, but you must focus on driving, for the safety of you, the girls and all around you. Right now, driving safely must take precedence.

Another burden lands on my shoulders.

And as I feel the weight land on my shoulder, I know my shoulders are not strong enough to bear up under the burden of all that I am facing. And as the weights drop on my shoulders, I feel the tears drop from my eyes. I am too weak. I do not have the strength to make this journey alone.My shoulders just aren't broad enough or strong enough to bear such burdens.

Then again, I  do not have to shoulder the burden alone:

 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

"Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." Psalm 55:22

My shoulders may feel small and weak when I consider challenges from my perspective and strength alone, but when I choose to give the Lord the burden of my fears and future, I find that the burden is lifted. He asks for faith, trust and confidence in His strength and ability and offers assurance and peace in place of the overwhelming weight.


Lord,

By Your hand, the universe and all that is in it were created, and only by Your hand do they continue to hold together. What power, authority, and might! And still, You take time to care for me and offer to help me with my burdens- if I will but ask. I have done nothing to deserve such attention and concern. Thank you for the use of Your strong shoulders that can carry the weight of this world, offering me support and shelter all in one.

Houses and Homes

Less than six months ago, 

we entered this house where I sit tonight 

and turned it into our home-

a home where we have 

loved, laughed,

cried, played,

enjoyed, struggled,

shared, and grown. 

Tomorrow we will "turn back the clocks"

as we watch this home emptied, and

we begin a new journey- 

a journey to 

a new town,

a new community,

a new house,

and a new home.

Moves are filled with much 

excitement and stress, 

bitterness and sweetness.

 I look forward to our new home 

and all that will transpire there, 

yet I find that I mourn this last home. 

We may not have lived here long, 

but we lived well, 

not because of the tangibles 

but the immaterial.

Yet as I consider this beloved home

to which we must now say goodbye

and look toward our next home

and all that awaits us there,

I am thankful for one thing.....

Thank you Lord that one day
we will be called to our final Home
and only then
will we find true permanence and rest-

never again needing to say goodbye-
 and a peace and joy beyond my imagining.

Leaves

"Isn't this a pretty leaf?"

How many times did we hear that on our walk? More than I could count. You see, our oldest daughter has a great love for picking up leaves and rocks and bringing them home with her. Once they get home, they are deposited in one of many locations and, almost inevitably, forgotten shortly thereafter until we do a thorough cleaning of her room, and she decides it's time to let them go.

So the other day, I decided we'd embrace her love for leaves and do a leaf project, which meant we needed to go on a leaf-hunting expedition. Oh, she was so excited with the idea. In the end, our expedition turned into an entire family walk- even more fun, but along the way, our daughter never forgot the main objective of finding pretty leaves for our project. She picked up every leaf in sight- and there were many seeing how it is autumn in Virginia- and exclaimed, "Isn't this a pretty leaf?"

Now I'll let you in on something. I didn't always think the leaf was that pretty. Many were dry, brittle, torn, spotted, holey, and in general looking worse for the wear, but that was only to my critical eyes. To our daughter, she saw the color and the shape, even if not it's original shape, and loved what made each leaf unique. Her attention was not drawn to the defects, flaws or imperfections; she looked at the leaf and saw what made it special and beautiful first.

Oh to have eyes like our daughter's! Not only with the natural world around us, but with each other and with ourselves.


Lord of all creation,

Thank you for the artistry of Your creation and the opportunity we have to enjoy the beautiful fall colors. Thank you for our little girl, her love for Your creation and her sight which looks for the beautiful and special before all else. May I be more like that, banishing the harsh and critical thoughts and embracing all that You have made me to be and all of You that is in everyone and everything around me.

And as we continue to raise this precious child, help us to protect her unguarded, loving, generous heart, for it is truly a gift from You.

Timely Lesson

Our oldest has been testing boundaries for weeks all culminating in this latest week, when she raged, defied, cried and pounded her way from day to day. It is not the little girl I know. The brief moments of peace reminded me of our sweet, loving little girl, but then things would turn on a dime and the child before me was someone I would never have imagined existing inside the same body.

Over the past month or so, I had started looking at some new groups with Christian parenting advice, hoping to find a new method that might work better for her and for me. Some we tried; others we recognized outright would only make things worse. Then this week hit like a raging bull, and my husband and I started to have nearly nightly conversations about what had happened and how we had handled things, all leading up to a discussion about what seemed to be the best path and those places where each of us could do better as we strive to have a unified, consistent message and approach. In the midst of this, I have prayed; I have asked a few select close friends and family to pray, as well. And if you read my last post, you know we had seen the slightest glimpse of hope from our daughter just last night.

Obviously we have sought advice and counsel as well as encouragement from many places, but something was missing.

This morning our minister began a new series, one that could not have been any more apropos for our current situation: eternity-focused parenting- six weeks where we will focus on Godly advice for raising our children. What a wonderful thing for us! Of course what we specifically studied today was quite beneficial, but as I sat there, I realized the message went much deeper for us, as though the Lord Himself was reminding me, "Come to me. I have the answers."

Who better could we turn to for advice and encouragement? Yes, we've prayed and asked for prayer, but have I waited for an answer? Did I seek to hear His voice and allow for His comfort? Those are tough questions for me because I know that I did.....some. However I also allowed other voices in, minimizing the effect and possibly even drowning out His voice.

The Bible may not specifically tell me how to handle the situation we find ourselves. I don't recall any step by step suggestions on methods of approach and discipline for a defiant preschooler, but the Bible does offer the best advice for parenting. Our job is to set her on the right path. Our job is to point her toward Christ. Our job is to take the personality traits and characteristics that God has given her and show her how to use them for His glory and His kingdom. And in the end, my job is to remember that it's not just up to me. God is in control. While I will never be the perfect parent, I can be a good parent, and God chose my husband and I to be her parents. That was not a mistake.


Thank you Lord for the timely lesson at church today. As always You have the answers, even if I do not always avidly seek them. I thank you now for our two precious little girls and the reassurance we have that even when things get tough and we feel lost, You do not make mistakes.

Psalm 145

Have you every tried praying Scripture? I have read this Psalm several times recently and by the end, I always find myself saying, "Amen." A beautiful and wonderful prayer of praise!

"I exalt You, my God the King,

and praise Your name forever and ever.

I will praise You every day;

I will honor Your name forever and ever.

Yahweh is great and is highly praised;

His greatness is unsearchable.

One generation will declare Your works to the next

and will proclaim Your mighty acts.

I will speak of Your splendor and glorious majesty

and Your wonderful works.

They will proclaim the power of Your awe-inspiring acts,

and I will declare Your greatness.

They will give a testimony of Your great goodness

and will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and great in faithful love.

The Lord is good to everyone;

His compassion rests on all He has made.

All You have made will thank You, Lord;

the godly will praise You.

They will speak of the glory of Your kingdom

and will declare Your might,

informing all people of Your mighty acts

and of the glorious splendor of Your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom;

Your rule is for all generations.

The Lord is faithful in all His words

and gracious in all His actions.

The Lord helps all who fall;

He raises up all who are oppressed.

All eyes look to You,

and You give them their food at the proper time.

You open Your hand

and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all His ways

and gracious in all His acts.

The Lord is near all who call out to Him,

all who call out to Him with integrity.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;

He hears their cry for help and saves them.

The Lord guards all those who love Him,

but He destroys all the wicked.

My mouth will declare Yahweh’s praise;

let every living thing

praise His holy name forever and ever."

Psalm 145

One Little Prayer

Our oldest brought me to tears tonight while we were sitting at the dining room table.

The last several weeks, our oldest has started to challenge.....everything. This is not terribly uncommon. She has a very strong will and picks up on small changes or nuances very quickly, and like many young children, she feels the need to exploit or test the validity of the related boundary shortly thereafter. Only she doesn't stop at just that boundary. If she sees the smallest change in our energy, attention, consistency or some other change in expected house rules, she feels the need to test every boundary- just in case. On top of that, she has always had an incredible level of determination and perseverance, which means for us that we know it will take much longer than just a few days of consistent reinforcement of the rule/boundary before she quits testing it.

We thought this was just another one of those times, but this last week, we have seen a new side to our daughter. This new development has rocked our household. No day is without a major battle and every day has felt a little like World War III right here in our little, typically peaceful household. It has consumed much of my energies, leaving me anxious and upset but also on my knees in prayer. Needless to say, it hasn't really been a pleasant week, and I know that, while we have still found ways and time to have positive moments with our daughter, much of our time has been in conflict and discipline.

Today was no different. We had another very rough morning, followed by an afternoon of relative quiet though still filled with small scuffles concerning our authority and her response to it. Dinner appeared to be no different. As I was preparing our dinners (which were leftovers from the night before), our oldest quickly vetoed the food- a food she relished the night before- and found herself sitting alone while she calmed herself down. Yet at the dinner table, she asked to pray, and here was part of her prayer.....

"Thank you for my Mommy and Daddy. They bring me joy and take such good care of me. ..... I love my Mommy and Daddy."

What Mommy wouldn't be brought to tears? The thing I have prayed for the most was to reach her heart, and while I know we still have a long way to go as we work on her attitude and her actions and/or behavior, these words bring such great hope. Even after a week like we've had, she, of her own accord, recognizes the good we are trying to achieve.


Lord, as our Heavenly Father, there probably isn't a week that goes by when some of Your children don't just  flat out refused to listen and openly and flagrantly defy You. I know, for one, that I have been head strong and defiantly gone my own way at times. Thank you for your incredible patience and forgiveness to me. 

Thank you, Lord, for our little girl's prayer. Thank you for the reassurance that we are fighting a good fight and that our actions and words with her have not been completely lost. 

Thank you for this precious little girl and help us as we go into the days ahead. Give us wisdom and patience to handle each situation in the best manner for her and in everything we do, may she see Your love.

Beautiful Picture

Our oldest daughter loves to pretend play and for the last year or so, she has been infatuated with all things family. (In a setting of four of course- Daddy, Mommy, Big Sister and Little Sister.) It doesn't matter what she is playing with, they always end up a family of four (ie. markers, animals, trains, blocks, her food). The last week or so, her interests have taken a slight turn. Now instead of playing family, she is more specifically all about wife and husband.

The last day or two, she has come into our bedroom while I was getting ready and climbed onto our bed. She then has told me that she is in bed with her husband, and at that point, my heart always does a little flop. It is so hard to think about our little four year old daughter being in bed with her husband, but I keep that to myself and let her continue. Today she told me she was in bed with her husband and they were reading their Bibles. Once again, my heart did this little flop and then I thought, "Maybe it's a good thing we're not in Albuquerque anymore or she'd be asking and convincing her two little male friends to play husband."

Shortly after that though, I saw the whole picture from another perspective.

What a wonderful thing to play. It is not a bad thing that she someday hopes to marry and at least she has her story line right. Besides that, our daughter emulates things that she sees and desires for herself, and there is one primary place that she sees the husband/wife relationship played out- in the relationship between her father and I. If she is playing at this, it means she sees something good enough that even at the age of four, she wants it as well.

I'm thankful that our daughter looks on our marriage as something good and something to be desired, and although I'm not ready for it yet, I pray that someday she will have the chance to sit on her bed with her husband while they read the Bible. That sounds like a beautiful picture to me.


Lord,

Our daughters with their husbands reading the Bible is truly a beautiful picture and I greatly hope and pray that someday, if they choose to marry, it is something that will happen. There is nothing better for them in a spouse than one who loves You Lord, and I pray that will always be their top requirement in a boyfriend or spouse. 

Choosing Reliance

T-3.5 weeks.

Yes, that is my move countdown and one thing I am finding is that the closer we get to the move date, the more time I spend looking at rental properties. I am quickly becoming addicted to rental property browsing, eager (and probably desperate) to find "the perfect house" for our family- something that perfectly matches our desire for location, school, size, amenities, yard, style and price. Really, I'm not asking for too much, am I?

The problem isn't necessarily with our desired criteria in our next home; the problem lies in my mindset during the search. I find that I am looking over the same properties, time and again, hoping to uncover some hidden fact that will clearly point me to the right house. (All the while hiding it from every other person who is looking for the perfect rental.) Meanwhile I forget how things have worked out in the past. Prayer has always been a major part of each move, and in the end, God has always led us to a house that suited our needs at that time. The house might not have fit all the criteria on our original list, but it fit us given the circumstances of our life during the time we resided there.

The question is, will I give up the control I constantly seek to allow Him to work in our lives, in a way that He knows is best and can bring Him glory?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6


Lord,

You are almighty; I am weak. You are truth and  justice; I am fallible. You are wisdom ; I am ignorance. You are ever-present; I am short-sighted. 

Lord even at a time when I should be relying heavily on You for wisdom, guidance and peace, I find myself straying off to do things on my own, eager to have control over the situation. Lord, if I am like that now, how bad must I be at times that do not seem so chaotic? I ask that I would learn to remember to hold all of my plans loosely in my hand and always allow you to take them and remake them after Your will and in the way You see fit.

Please Lord be with us as we once again move. I pray that you would help us find a good family home. Help me as I look to remember that our wish list sounds good now but does not hold the key to our happiness or joy in a house. I also ask Lord that you would be with us as we search for a new church family to worship with. Guide us to a church that seeks Your truth where we can worship, serve, and encourage while we also are taught, challenged and supported in our walk. 

Thank you Lord for the many times you have answered these prayers before and thank you for the numerous times you have forgiven my self-reliant spirit that would seek to usurp your authority in my life.

Copy Cat

The other day while I was out running errands with our youngest daughter, I handed her a large, flat wallet to entertain her. It was a bright, shiny color and I figured it would hold her attention for a few minutes. I looked away to continue shopping but had to turn back when I heard her jabbering about DaDa. What I saw was so sweet. Our little thirteen month old girl was holding the wallet up to her ear like a phone, pretending to talk to her Daddy. As soon as our eyes met, she gave me a great big grin.

She is our little copy cat these days. From actions like using the phone,cooking, making a funny sound and/or face, poking at a plate with her fork to her attempts to mimic our words, anything and everything she sees one of us do is fair game for her beautiful little mind, and all of these copy cat moments are pure joy for us as parents. I remember the same thing happening with our oldest. Yes, it is daunting because they are watching us and taking everything in, even if they can't repeat it all yet. Still it is so sweet to realize they want to copy us- their mother and father- more than anyone or anything else in the world and they desire our approval when they do.

 Do I desire to emulate my Heavenly Father in the same way our daughters view us?

"But whoever keeps His word, truly in him the love of God is perfected. This is how we know we are in Him: The one who says he remains in Him should walk just as He walked." 1 John 2:5-6

 Do I seek to walk as He walked? Do I endeavor to follow His actions, His words, His heart in each and every situation I face? Do my thoughts reflect a heart that has intently observed her Creator in the hopes of becoming more and more like Him?

If not, what is holding me back?

"Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God." Romans 12:1-2

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:22-25

There's only one answer.... Me.

Unlike our little girls though, I do not want to be just a copy cat, for one can appear on the outside, through actions and deeds, to walk by the Spirit and still find themselves on the wrong path. I want to be something even more. I do not want to just look right on the outside; I want my heart, my head, my spirit to reflect Him in all that I do. I want to be a holy and pleasing dwelling for the Lord that is useful as a beacon in this world.

Of course here's the sticking point. If I want to achieve that, I need to stop thinking about me. I must stop focusing on what I can do, realizing I can do very little. Instead I must turn to Him, allow His Holy Spirit to lead me, and immerse myself in His Word, His Church and regular communion with Him. Then I must put aside my wants, thoughts and plans and allow Him to work in me, molding and transforming me into something useful for Him.


Heavenly Father,

May I remember the devotion of my children and seek to have the same devotion in my relationship with You. Use me. Mold me- not into a copy but a vessel for Your purpose. Help me to get out of my own way so that I can allow Your Spirit to fill me completely and direct my thoughts, words and deeds. 

Build Your Kingdom Here

Come set Your rule and reign

In our hearts again

Increase in us we pray

Unveil why we're made

Come set our hearts ablaze with hope

Like wildfire in our very souls

Holy Spirit come invade us now

We are Your Church

We need Your power

In us

We seek Your kingdom first

We hunger and we thirst

Refuse to waste our lives

For You're our joy and prize

To see the captive hearts released

The hurt, the sick, the poor at peace

We lay down our lives for heaven's cause

We are Your church

We pray revive

This earth

Build Your kingdom here

Let the darkness fear

Show Your mighty hand

Heal our streets and land

Set Your church on fire

Win this nation back

Change the atmosphere

Build Your kingdom here

We pray

Unleash Your kingdoms power

Reaching the near and far

No force of hell can stop

Your beauty changing hearts

You made us for much more than this

Awake the kingdom seed in us

Fill us with the strength and love of Christ

We are Your church

We are the hope

On earth

("Build Your Kingdom Here," Rend  Collective Experiment)

Today as I was driving home, this song came on the radio. I've heard it before and always loved the instrumentation, but I'll be honest, I haven't ever really focused on the lyrics. Today though, I did, and I found myself in love with the song even more. What a beautiful prayer!

I cannot and would not pretend the words were my own, but today this is my prayer- first for me personally and then for the Church as a whole.

How Many Times?

 As we headed out this morning, our oldest asked me what has now become her routine question as we are getting into the car on our way to preschool. Our daughter picks things up very quickly, so I know that if she is really listening when I answer her questions, she should remember part of my answer after the first time. Typically though, I just go through the exact same explanation and answer every routine, subsequent question that pops up because of the explanation. In my head this morning though, I was thinking, "I know I've answered this question. I can't explain it any more simply. I know you know at least the basic idea behind my answer and could, if you chose to do so, repeat it to me. How many more times will it take for you to remember?"

Almost instantly, it felt as though that question was being repeated back to me.


How many times do I need to be reminded that God is ever present in my life?
How many times do I need to be reminded to turn to God when things first begin to get difficult?
How many times do I need to be reminded that I cannot do this on my own?
How many times do I need to be reminded its not about me- never has been, never will be?
How many times do I need to be reminded that everything is for His glory and His alone?


If God is able to show me continuing grace, patience and understanding while I blunder through the same obstacles time and again, surely I can find some patience and grace for our young, inquisitive daughter and hopefully that will be just the beginning of a more grace-filled life.


Gracious Lord and Savior,

I cannot imagine another like you Lord, who would be so willing to patiently offer grace another time. Your limitless forgiveness astounds me. You have allowed us the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and wash ourselves with a pureness we cannot even fathom, and while I am ever so grateful for that, my life often reflects something lesser. 

Forgive me for those times when I foolishly plow ahead with my plans, my goals, my way instead of immersing every thought, action and plan in Your word and will first. 

A Possibility and Nothing More.... For Now

****Before I dive in, let me start by saying.... I know that our family has been truly blessed while in the Army. Although there are many reasons, one of the greatest in my mind is that come this December, my husband will have served 5 years, yet because of the nature of his assignments, we have never faced a deployment. And as I sit down to write this post, I cannot forget the thousands of families that have faced the challenges and stress of deployment numerous times.****

The unknown can be terrifying.

There is a possibility that my husband may be deploying sometime in the next eight or nine months. Nothing is definite yet and so we are not talking much about it. In fact, generally I don't even give it much thought; it's too early and too speculative for now. However every now and then, the thought of it really settles on me and I am shaken to my core. The guessing on how I might respond during a deployment, what I might feel,  how I will handle the burden of being the solely accessible parent, how it will affect our girls, what my husband might experience and what burdens he might bring home with him overwhelm and frighten me. Today something happened which led me to make an under-my-breath comment about deployment that our oldest daughter overheard, which led to a discussion about what a deployment is (given in the most sparing and basic of terms as suited our four year old). Her reaction only magnified my personal feelings and has brought me to this point.

I'm petrified at the thought of a deployment. 

However, I'm guessing that as with every other separation and challenge we have faced, many of the issues that scare me now will seem the worst just before the actual departure. (This of course does not include any concerns related to my husband and his well being or how our girls are faring.) Once the path before me becomes the path under my feet, I typically stop conjecturing and do. For now though, too much thinking about things that are still unknown only fuels my thoughts with worries and fears rather than anything uplifting. So now it's time to change that pattern.

I can't presume to have any clue how to survive a deployment, but I do know how I have coped during previous Army-required separations we have faced. For now, all I can do is remind myself of what I have learned from past experience and allow that knowledge to help me in this time of waiting.

1) Remember not to borrow worries from tomorrow. I need to focus on today, enjoying the time we do have as a family and working on myself and my weaknesses so I will be better prepared for the hardship of separation, the depth of emotions and the challenge of parenting our two little girls without my husband.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

2) Remember that no matter what befalls me.... I am not and will never be alone.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:4-7

Here I am Lord, allowing the challenges and stresses of today to be compounded by the possibility of future ones. As though the ones from today weren't enough, maybe magnifying them would help. Silly, isn't it? Of course You already knew that. You've known that all along. Just as You- and You alone- know if and when we might face a deployment. 

Lord, please give me peace in this time of waiting and guide me to find the best use of this time to better prepare me for whatever comes next. Whether a deployment is or is not in the future, I ask for help in becoming a better mother, one who better reflects Your love and grace.

Thank You for Your faithfulness and constancy and the gift of Your Holy Spirit which comforts and guides us through every step of our journey.

Father of Lights

Our oldest daughter has always been one who was up with the sun. If there was even a little light, she felt she needed to be up and playing, and that playing shouldn't end until the sun was down. This mindset worked fine in the winter but caused many troubles during summer months, so we learned very early on to keep her room as dark as possible to aid sleep at both nap time and bedtime. As part of this, we initially never had a night light in her room. But one day after more than three years of the same routine, she started having trouble falling asleep in a dark room. In the end, our solution was a night light. The light itself is quite small but beyond that, we also chose to darken the bulb some to keep it from being too bright. Even so, the effect on the room is noticeable. After all, that's what a light does, isn't it?

The dark can be absolute, stifling, dense and terrifying. All it takes, though, is one small, dim light, and the darkness loses all of that. One small light has devastating effects on the dark. The light holds far more power than the oppression of the dark.

As a Christian, this fact gives me great hope. After all, my Heavenly Father is the father of lights. Not only is He the creator of lights (Genesis 1:3-4,14-15), but we are told that His countenance, word and justice are all a light for us (Psalm 4:6; Psalm 119:105,130; Isaiah 51:4). Even more so, we are told that the Lord is a light for those who trust in Him:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, my adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, in spite of this I shall be confident." (Psalm 27:1-3)

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; Though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me." (Micah 7:7-8)

"This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." (1 John 1:5-7)

Beyond that, He is the Light for the world, bringing truth and redemption to all who will follow Him:

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.There came a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to testify about the Light, so that all might believe through him. He was not the Light, but he came to testify about the Light. There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man." (John 1:1-9)

"Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.” (John 8:12)

And in the end, He will be the eternal light:

“Your sun will no longer set, nor will your moon wane; for you will have the Lord for an everlasting light, and the days of your mourning will be over. Then all your people will be righteous; they will possess the land forever, the branch of My planting, the work of My hands, that I may be glorified. The smallest one will become a clan, and the least one a mighty nation. I, the Lord, will hasten it in its time.” (Isaiah 60:20-22)

"There will no longer be any curse; and the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His bond-servants will serve Him; they will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And there will no longer be any night; and they will not have need of the light of a lamp nor the light of the sun, because the Lord God will illumine them; and they will reign forever and ever." (Revelation 22:3-5)

I realize that for the skeptic and non-believer, these words don't hold much hope or power; they question anything that is supported solely by Scripture. Yet I can confidently and easily state that I have seen how God's light has directed my feet and illumined my path. I have and continue to see how a person's faith can shine brightly in a crowd and declare loudly, "There is something different about me." Of course a closer study reveals the difference is not with the individual themselves but Christ living in them, molding their thoughts, heart and actions.


Lord,

Creator and giver of all light, eternal and only true Light- thank you. It is only through You that we have any light in this world, and I truly love the light You have given us. I enjoy the opportunities I have to play in the sun and the times I have been able to relax while staring at the stars. More than that though, I am ever so grateful for the gift of spiritual light You gave to all mankind through Your son, Jesus Christ, and for the ability You have given myself and every person to share in that light- now and forever. I can only pray that I will get out of the way so that You can shine more brightly, more purely, through me.

No More Cherry Picking

"The LORD came down in a cloud, stood with him there, and proclaimed His name Yahweh.Then the Lord passed in front of him and proclaimed:

Yahweh—Yahweh is a compassionate and gracious God, 

slow to anger and rich in faithful love and truth, 

maintaining faithful love to a thousand generations, 

forgiving wrongdoing, rebellion, and sin. 

But He will not leave the guilty unpunished, bringing the consequences of the fathers’ wrongdoing on the children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generation."

Exodus 34:5-7 

I have long loved this passage because it is God speaking of Himself. In no way does it cover all of his attributes, but these are the ones He Himself chose to proclaim before Moses. In it, I see a God of great love- compassionate, gracious, faithful, slow to anger, forgiving- but I also see ultimate power and authority- truth, punishment, justice. While they are not specifically cited, I can also see references of His patience and perseverance. God is love, and all which that encompasses; of that, there is no doubt. However God is also absolute truth and justice- and everything which corresponds to those.  

When I highlight verses in my Bible or study a specific Scripture, I often like to stop before I get to the "doom and gloom" parts. I'll  read the more intense passages; I just find that I don't dwell or consider them much. Not because I don't believe them, but they just don't give me the "warm fuzzies" like the rest of the verse. However it is not my job nor my place to cherry pick from the Bible nor should I find the authority of God less appealing or worthy of consideration. On the contrary, I should embrace them, for I find that His authority, truth and justice help me as I wade through a world that tells me:

1- We all can have our own truth; your truth is whatever works for you.

2- Justice is a matter of perspective. Just like history is written by the winners, so justice is relative to the opinions of the individuals involved but ultimately decided by the one wielding the most power.

3- Power and authority can be bought.

Instead of being left with this haphazard, undefined and hopeless message of the world, God offers me security, stability, clarity and hope. Yes even in the times when I choose my way instead of His, I still find hope in His justice because of who God is, because I can trust in His unwavering truth, authority, and grace.


King of Heaven, Ruler of all the Universe,

If I ever approach you with anything less than awe, please forgive me. I delight in so many of your qualities but find that too often I focus on the "easy" attributes- Your love, grace, gentleness and compassion. May I never forget that while You are all those things, You are also my king and  judge, all-powerful and  otherwise unattainable except that You desire it.

Thank You for bringing security, clarity and hope to my life through Your unwavering truth, Your absolute authority and Your faithful justice.

I'm Listening

Have you ever been nudged by God?

You might have been sitting in a church service listening to a sermon, or riding in your car listening to a Christian radio station. It might have been a Bible verse, an inscription, a meme on Facebook or some unsolicited statement or advice from a friend in a conversation, but whatever it was, you had this sense of being nudged- not in the literal sense, but the moving of the Holy Spirit as He gently encourages you down a certain path.

Before I published my last post, I hesitated. I talked with my husband about it because it was more than just a momentary pause. I had some true concerns, worries and fears about whether or not I could be honest and humble enough for this venture. I know I can be honest about everything when it is just the Lord and I, but could I do the same in a more public venue? Drew and I both saw value in the attempt and effort, so I decided to proceed. Because of my hesitation, though, I decided to only tell a few close friends/family members- those who know the good, the bad and the ugly- and take it slowly before doing anything more. The last thing I wanted was to sound presumptuous or come off hypocritical because I censored myself or only showed that which cast me in a decent light.

Our minister has focused all of his sermons for this year on creating eternity-focused disciples of Christ. Today he was continuing his series going through the book of Revelations and talked about how to proceed in troublesome times. As he himself said, it would be a very practical lesson. In his sermon, he encouraged regular reading and studying of the Bible and then offered some tools and methods he himself used during his quiet time with the Lord. He encouraged the use of a journal to make some basic notes about what we read and then suggested we consider writing out our prayer in relation to that day's study. Written prayers.... nudge, nudge, and if that wasn't enough, I got a little nudge- literally this time- from my husband as well.

After all that, all I can think to say is, "Yes, Lord. I'm listening."

In order to listen better, I'd like to spend some more time considering the Lord and the Lord alone. Without Him, all this would be for naught and I would be lost. For it is written, 

"The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross." 
Colossians 1:15-20



Lord,

You spoke and the world took form. By your breath, we live. As the creator, the firstborn, the very essence by which all is held together, you are worthy of our greatest awe and all that we are. 

When I consider the world around me, I am struck by the beauty of the natural world and the amazing creativity that went into each creature and every plant. Nothing was overlooked. Your design is flawless. Even in a world where the design has been corrupted through sin, I see a glimpse of what could be and those moments take my breath away. Then to think that you would offer yourself- the creator- as a sacrifice to pay for the arrogance and pride of Your creation. 

Glory, honor and praise are due You, for there is none other like You.

Refocusing

People have often said that I should keep a blog about our family and adventures. I tried earlier this year but found that I had a terrible block. I saw plenty of topics/stories about which I could write. I even managed to write some wonderful things in my head, but when it came time to put it "on paper," the result was terrible. I finally had to admit that I cannot satisfactorily write about my life alone. Once I realized that I needed some larger purpose if I wanted my writing to coalesce, I decided to stop writing and wait. If an idea came to me, I would pursue it, but until then, I was not going to try to force something.

Four months ago, our family moved from New Mexico to Virginia. In the weeks that followed, I struggled. I longed for the life I had as a child, the kind of living situation and social environment I saw my parents and siblings have seemingly created for themselves once again, but instead I found myself starting over- pulled away from dear friends, burgeoning friendships, an incredible Church family and beloved family members. Add to that, our oldest daughter was dealing with her own grief from the move as she, for the first time, has had to face the sadness and loss that comes with it. Then compound that with a newly mobile infant (just to keep me hopping) and a husband often exhausted from his work day, all while living in an unfamiliar area and I felt myself breaking under the burden of parenting and Army life, only to realize that this entire process would be repeated in six months.

Now we find ourselves approximately seven weeks out from our next move and I am determined to do all that I can to handle the adjustments better this time. The circumstances will not be exactly the same, but the kind of challenges we will come up against will be quite similar. The last time I really saw myself struggle with the circumstances of my life, I was only able to come out of it by taking my eyes off myself and looking to the Lord. That is my intent once again. Just as I did when I counted my blessings, I want to shift my thinking, intentionally focus my thoughts on the Lord and do whatever is necessary to help remind myself to live constantly in the knowledge of God's unwavering presence and His omniscience. I don't know where it will take me. I only know where I am going to begin. 

Prayer.

I want to pursue a more prayer-filled life. I pray regularly, but overall I know there is much lacking in my prayer life. As this is one of the main ways I can communicate with my Lord, my Savior, my Heavenly Father, I do not want to settle for good; I want a powerful, heart-changing prayer life. I want to pray- knowing my Lord hears, recognizing His superior and great ability to answer in the way He sees and knows is best, and willing to then wait patiently and confidently in His response. I want my prayers to be more than a list of requests and thanksgivings; I want my prayers to be God-centered.  But to do that, I know I need to be far more intentional than I have been, both in study and application.

I remember a time during my tweens/early teenage years when my mother gave my older sister and I a small journal. We set aside a time each week to sit down, talk about prayer requests, and pray. I didn't allow that practice to have the effect it should have, but I would like to start again. So that's what I plan to do, making this- for now- into a prayer journal of sorts. I don't plan on setting parameters for it. As I go, I expect for it to evolve and possibly even take on a completely different form/purpose than just a prayer journal. I anticipate that this will be just the beginning.

I invite you to join with me on this journey, not so you will add our prayer requests to your own (though I know many will). For those of you interested in keeping up on the happenings of our family, I invite you to join me as I know there is no better way to see what's truly going on with our family than by knowing what are our prayer requests and prayers of thanksgiving. Even more so, I invite you along in the hopes that once again we might mutually encourage and support one another in a pursuit of something more- a closer relationship with the One who was, who is and who is yet to come and a life that reflects His glory to the rest of the waiting and watching world. With all that said, it's time to stop the focus on me and place it where it truly belongs.


Lord,

Creator of this world, Author of a perfect and beautiful design. My first inclination is to ask for your help in matters that seem most pressing to me, but I know that is not where I should begin. If I ever hope to allow you to change me from the heart outward, I need to remind myself you are more than the giver of blessings and the fulfiller of my requests- 

You are the Almighty, 

the One and Only. 

You are my Heavenly Father

and the eternal Judge.

You were here before time was 

and you have already seen when time ends.

You have the power to require every praise and honor from all of creation, 

yet You chose to give mankind freewill. 

You are

 love, 

truth, 

peace 

and justice.

This day I chose to place my heart, my life, my family in Your hands, knowing there is no better place to be.