A Possibility and Nothing More.... For Now

****Before I dive in, let me start by saying.... I know that our family has been truly blessed while in the Army. Although there are many reasons, one of the greatest in my mind is that come this December, my husband will have served 5 years, yet because of the nature of his assignments, we have never faced a deployment. And as I sit down to write this post, I cannot forget the thousands of families that have faced the challenges and stress of deployment numerous times.****

The unknown can be terrifying.

There is a possibility that my husband may be deploying sometime in the next eight or nine months. Nothing is definite yet and so we are not talking much about it. In fact, generally I don't even give it much thought; it's too early and too speculative for now. However every now and then, the thought of it really settles on me and I am shaken to my core. The guessing on how I might respond during a deployment, what I might feel,  how I will handle the burden of being the solely accessible parent, how it will affect our girls, what my husband might experience and what burdens he might bring home with him overwhelm and frighten me. Today something happened which led me to make an under-my-breath comment about deployment that our oldest daughter overheard, which led to a discussion about what a deployment is (given in the most sparing and basic of terms as suited our four year old). Her reaction only magnified my personal feelings and has brought me to this point.

I'm petrified at the thought of a deployment. 

However, I'm guessing that as with every other separation and challenge we have faced, many of the issues that scare me now will seem the worst just before the actual departure. (This of course does not include any concerns related to my husband and his well being or how our girls are faring.) Once the path before me becomes the path under my feet, I typically stop conjecturing and do. For now though, too much thinking about things that are still unknown only fuels my thoughts with worries and fears rather than anything uplifting. So now it's time to change that pattern.

I can't presume to have any clue how to survive a deployment, but I do know how I have coped during previous Army-required separations we have faced. For now, all I can do is remind myself of what I have learned from past experience and allow that knowledge to help me in this time of waiting.

1) Remember not to borrow worries from tomorrow. I need to focus on today, enjoying the time we do have as a family and working on myself and my weaknesses so I will be better prepared for the hardship of separation, the depth of emotions and the challenge of parenting our two little girls without my husband.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

2) Remember that no matter what befalls me.... I am not and will never be alone.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:4-7

Here I am Lord, allowing the challenges and stresses of today to be compounded by the possibility of future ones. As though the ones from today weren't enough, maybe magnifying them would help. Silly, isn't it? Of course You already knew that. You've known that all along. Just as You- and You alone- know if and when we might face a deployment. 

Lord, please give me peace in this time of waiting and guide me to find the best use of this time to better prepare me for whatever comes next. Whether a deployment is or is not in the future, I ask for help in becoming a better mother, one who better reflects Your love and grace.

Thank You for Your faithfulness and constancy and the gift of Your Holy Spirit which comforts and guides us through every step of our journey.