After a long few weeks, I woke this morning and felt as
though the very fibers of my being were strained to the point of breaking and
my nerves were frazzled beyond repair. Stress, some unavoidable and some
self-inflicted, was tearing at me and weighing me down. For days now, I have
found myself thinking, “I can’t do this any longer.” As close as we may be, what
remains is still far too much and the pressure of it all- the deployment, the
parenting, the move, the unknowns and the waiting- were taking their toll.
My patience had reached a low point; my need for order,
control and timeliness were screaming for attention and the girls were swept
along in the wake. I know I was barely holding things together as we entered
the church building this morning and while I know we stopped to speak to a few
people before we headed in to service, sadly most of it is lost on me now just
hours later.
As the service began, I held the girls close, hoping to
bridge any rifts my distress might have created and I felt the tears brimming
at the surface. As I tried to sing, my throat began to burn and words were hard
to come by. And then, as He so often does, He reminded me ever so clearly that
He knows what I face, He knows my struggles and He knows my sorrow. He can turn
my tears into something beautiful and He is working even as I wait.
“There is strength
within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You’re sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You’re teaching us to trust”
Lord,
You are faithful. You are forever and You are sovereign. I know this but I have to admit I don't always live this. Forgive me and help me to fight the lies of fear and stress with what I know to be true of You. Thank you for remaining true even when I falter and need reminding- time and again.
You are perfect in love. Lord I am so grateful for this, for I surely don't deserve it. As I sit here tonight, I look back and see how imperfect my love can be- for You, for our girls and for all You have created. Help me see those areas where my love should be more like Yours and give me the strength to pursue it, regardless of all else.
Teach me to trust Lord- at all times, in all things, when I wake and when I lay down, when the plan seems clear before me and in the unknown and the waiting.
