Taking a Moment to Gush

I can't help it. I try not to gush too much about Drew because he does not like having the spotlight or everyone's attention on him (unless he's intentionally hamming it up). He has genuinely never been one for awards, commendations or public praise and I wish to respect who he is. He has however said it's okay for me to gush every now and then, and oh, do I want to do so today.

This is one INCREDIBLE man!

Deployment is hard. It's hard all the way around, and if you've talked to me, you may have heard me say that the girls, although they can drive me insane some days, are also a great source of sanity for me. They have brightened my days and kept me going. Drew does not have that. All around him is unfamiliar- from his roommate to the terrain and environment. At the same time, he is dealing with stressful situations, long hours and all else that comes with a combat zone. Yet despite this, he has been a source of laughter, love and joy for us. He has been there to encourage me when I am down, listen when my thoughts become a jumbled mess, and support me when I am hurt and confused. Despite being the one in the war zone, he has remained my biggest encourager and closest friend. And if that wasn't enough, he still tries to find tangible ways to help me here at home. 

He knows that there has been a lot of stress in our home lately and that some days I don't feel like I can keep my head above the water. He also knows that keeping the home in decent shape is essential for me. I become quite stressed if my floors are gritty or covered in little bits of this or that, if the coat of dust is noticeable from a distance or if the counters and sink are not generally clean. I can let it go a little, but too much for too long and it only makes things worse. Knowing how things have been lately, he found and took the time to research cleaning companies for me, in the hopes of scheduling a cleaning of the house- just to make life a little easier for me. Imagine that- he wants to make my life easier.... the one away from all family, friends and familiarity- the one handling the demands and needs of a military force at war. Incredible! He is incredible.

Thank you, Lord, for this incredible man. 

Thank you for his willingness to serve our country, others and You. 

Thank you for his faithful, steadfast heart and boundless love and joy. 

Thank you for the laughter he brings into our home and the devotion he shows to all. 

Thank you for the example he sets for our girls and the faith which carries him through. 

Thank you for his shoulders which bear so many burdens yet always have room for me to rest upon.

Keep him safe Lord- body and spirit- and bring him home. 

Sure, Mom

Our oldest has been difficult and challenging for the last many weeks. She has not responded well to anything that is not what or how she wants it, and lately saying she hasn't responded well sounds like a ridiculous understatement. So today when I asked Naomi to take care of some items she left discarded in the living room, I expected at least a little push back. Instead, she promptly said, "Sure, Mom" and then followed through. YAY!!!

Thank you, God! I know this is not the end of things. I know we most likely still have many rough patches ahead of us and yet, those two simple little words were wonderful, a balm to my soul and encouragement for the days ahead.

From My Depths to His Heights

There is nothing more humbling than to have to face yourself at your worse, to see yourself broken and beyond flawed.

Yesterday the weight of everything pressed down on me more than at any other time and finally something inside me snapped. The results were terrible. It was as though I became detached from emotion and acted purely on impulse, and my first impulse was anger- irrational and immediate. I wasn't violent but all gentleness was lost. I hate to say that; I'm ashamed to say it, but that is what happened.

As the anger subsided, it was replaced with deep grief and shame, and with those came the tears. Thankfully as the tears flowed, I found myself crying out to God, and there was nothing better I could have done.

The day continued to be difficult. Naomi had one of her absolute worse days ever.... and I have been around for some rough days. Her attitude and words were distressing, but the worst thing was the look in her eyes. I cannot fully describe it. The one thing I can say is that what poured forth was frighteningly malevolent and it's so troubling to think that is possible with our little girl.

Yet through the afternoon, I felt a guiding force, directing when I spoke, what I said, the tone and volume of my voice, and the direction I took with our daughter. A peace beyond all understanding encompassed me, and hope and joy in God's goodness filled my thoughts.

By the end of the day, it seemed as though I had taken a page straight out of the Psalms.


"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, 
My glory and the One who lifts my head. 
I was crying to the Lord with my voice, 
And He answered me from His holy mountain. 
I lay down and slept; 
I awoke, for the Lord sustains me." 

Psalm 3:3-5

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

and He inclined to me and heard my cry. 

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay.

And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. 

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a song of praise to our God; 

Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord. 

How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust, 

and has not turned to the proud nor to those who lapse into falsehood. 

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, 

And Your thoughts toward us; 

There is none to compare with You. 

If I would declare and speak of them, 

they would be too numerous to count." 

Psalm 40:1-5

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God."

Psalm 42:11

Best Christmas Gift Ever!

I woke up to my phone's new e-mail signal. Knowing there is only one person who typically sends me an e-mail at that time, I wanted to read it right away. As soon as I saw the subject line "Good News," my heart began to beat quicker. Could it be? Was it the news I had hoped and prayed for?

As I read through the message, the tears began to fall, and by the time I had re-read the e-mail, I was literally shaking- trembling with joy and excitement.

Drew is returning early. 

He will be home for Christmas. 

Best gift ever!

Thank you, Lord, for this incredible gift and Your unending providence.

Pray for Me

Our house in the last few weeks has gone through a drastic transformation, and while I wish I could tell you that it is because we have found a great routine for the school year and all is running smoother than I could ever have imagined, that just isn't the case.

All you need to do is look back a year or a little more, read about some of the troubles we were dealing with then and apply to now. Our house has a very similar feel now. Naomi, in attitude and behavior, has returned to many of the same issues we faced then. Added to that, Noelle is two and is going through typical two-year-old issues- challenging authority, questioning boundaries, grasping for independence and struggling to share.

Previous moments like this have always been difficult but we always made it because we were a team. When I was too worn down or stressed from the day, Drew would always be there to fill in the gap, to bear the burden of the rages and give me a chance for calm and peace. This time though, he can't do that. He is still my teammate and helps me in what ways he can, but I am on my own to deal with the day in, day out issues that seem so constant (well at least whenever the girls are awake).

I am worn down, stressed out and feel as though my emotions and nerves are frayed and hyper-sensitive.  All the while, I continue to do my best to address both of the girls needs- attention and love, correction and discipline, fun and learning. However I often stumble along the way and sometimes downright fail.

This situation was one of my greatest fears going into the deployment and now it is here, staring me down. The girls are one of our greatest gifts and greatest responsibilities, and Drew has entrusted them to my care during this time. And because of that, I ask that you pray for me.

Pray for His strength to support me.
Pray for His Spirit to guide me.
Pray for wisdom to deal with each situation with love and purpose.
Pray for His peace to calm my nerves and sooth my fears.
Pray for the words I will say and the choices I will make.
Pray for our evenings, when the girls grow grumpy and I grow short on.... everything.
Pray for our two precious girls as they grow.
Pray for their hearts and their hands- their minds and their mouths.