Lead Me To Calvary

Today during church service, we sang the hymn "Lead Me to Calvary." As we sang the last verse, thoughts began whirling around:

"May I be willing, Lord, to bear

Daily my cross for Thee;

Even Thy cup of grief to share,

Thou hast borne all for me."

I don't know, and I would be unwilling to state, that Drew's deployment is my cross to bear or a share of Christ's grief. It is absolutely possible that our situation is specifically God-given, but it is also completely possible that this deployment is a natural consequence of our decisions and actions (ie. Drew choosing a career in the Army). Whether or not the deployment was specifically a part of God's bigger plan, I am certain He can and is using it for His good. I feel confident it will be used to teach us, stretch us and, hopefully, further mold us to be more like Him. 

No matter what though, this verse reminded me of something more. "May I be willing, Lord, to bear daily my cross  for Thee." You see, it seems that often we are willing to identify areas, experiences, events in our lives that are our "cross to bear" or our "thorn in the flesh," but there's more to it than just bearing our burdens or sorrow. 

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but  whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:24-26

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

Bearing well under the toils of this life is commendable, but bearing them for Christ or for His sake adds a whole new dimension. Who's glory do I seek throughout this time? Am I seeking praise for my own response and actions? Am I seeking praise for Drew's sacrifice? Or am I seeking to continually point all praise, honor and glory back to God, by whom and through whom we have made it thus far? What more should I be doing? The chorus seems to provide a wonderful starting point. 

"Lest I forget Gethsemane,

Lest I forget Thine agony,

Lest I forget Thy love for me,

Lead me to Calvary."

Lord,

May I never forget all the grief, pain and separation You experienced on my behalf, on behalf of my friends and family and for all of mankind. May this time be a time of growth and refining and Lord, I pray that through it all, I will point all the glory to You, for it is through You alone that we will come through.

Just Ask

My name is Danielle and I have a hard time asking for help.

Five years ago, Drew was away for BOLC II; I was struggling with severe morning sickness during my first pregnancy and had the sole responsibility of overseeing our first military move. One day at work, I was talking with a good friend about some of the things on my plate, and he stopped me and told me that he and his wife and family would be more than willing to help. In my usual way, I quickly agreed, but something led my friend to pursue it more, pointing out to me that even if I knew they would help, I would never ask for the help and I should. He reminded me that God had placed each of us in the midst of a family of believers to encourage, correct, teach and support one another, and part of that support was helping each other in difficult or challenging times. He pointed out that it was wrong for me to refuse or not acknowledge that aspect of God's providence.

That was the first time I had to directly face and admit to myself that I do have a hard time asking others for help. Sadly, the lesson didn't stick as well as it should have. I've continued to struggle with asking people for help. Most likely, there is an underlying issue related to vulnerability and pride, but in my head I don't ask because whenever I consider asking someone for help, I usually hear one of three "buts":

(1) .....but I don't want to be an imposition/ I don't want to take away from their family time.
(2) ..... but I don't want them to think I am taking advantage of the relationship we do have.
(3)...... but it's my responsibility.

Every now and then, there will be a different reason, but always, always, always there is some reason, some excuse, for why I shouldn't ask. And more often than not, I don't ask anyone for help.

Drew's deployment has been a time for learning to ignore and let go of those excuses. There are some times when two adults are needed and some times when I just need help- even with a matter that seems trivial. So far, each time there have been willing hands at the ready as soon as I asked, and I know, thanks to so many offers, that there are even more ready and willing hands just waiting for a time when I ask again. Each time I ask and receive aid, I find myself thanking God for another lesson- a lesson in humility, a lesson in the body of Christ, a lesson in gratitude.

God has provided for us. He has provided for our physical needs. He has provided for our spiritual needs and He has provided for our emotional needs. But as with so many of His gifts, He may provide but we must accept. His gift of freewill just works that way. We can choose whether or not we want to accept his providence of a caring, supportive Church family, just as He has given us the choice on whether or not we believe in Him and allow Him to be Lord of our life.


“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.." Matthew 7:7-12

Beautiful Pain

Most days things seem to go fairly smooth. Routine and purpose keep me moving and motivated to handle all that lays at my feet these days. Yet still there are some days when it takes all I have just to shuffle through, completing only the most basic, basic of tasks (primarily caring for the girls and ensuring they get three meals a day). It feels like I have had a week of just those kinds of days. There have been outside forces, such as sick children and now a sick me, that have aggravated everything, but deep down at the heart of the issue, these days have come about because of one thing:

I miss Drew.

I miss Drew ever so much.

Even writing those words causes tears to flow freely. Tears have been my frequent companion and tears have been the day's final act each night as I finally succumb to sleep. They come unannounced and at unexpected times. Except at night, the situation is always different, but no matter what the circumstance, the reason is always the same- Drew is not near.

At this moment, the pain seems nearly unbearable and I know there is no relief in sight. Drew is my other half and there is nothing and no one who can lessen or fill the void his absence has created while I await his return. The days will go on. Many will be pleasant and joy-filled, but still I will carry Drew's absence with me. Yet despite all of that, I am thankful for the pain- okay, maybe not the pain itself but what the pain represents. I am thankful for Drew. I am incredibly thankful that he is my husband and I am grateful for the relationship we have. 

A relationship that makes this time apart hurt.

A relationship that makes the pain beautiful.