Waiting Just a Little Longer

Last evening I realized that the time until Drew's return was short and I should stop doing everything that needed be done this month and focus on what I wanted to have done before or for Drew's homecoming. I planned what to focus on each day so I could keep from getting too stressed and found myself looking forward to the upcoming week. I may not have known the exact date or time of Drew's return, but it was time to stop thinking of his return as sometime in the future and realize it is fast approaching and it was time to get ready.

This morning I found myself almost floating on air and watching the clock- counting down the minutes until the plane took off that would carry Drew out of Kuwait and help bring Drew back to the States. Then my phone rang. I almost didn't answer the call because it was from Maryland and we don't know anyone from Maryland. Something said I should pick up and when I did, I heard Drew's voice. Sadly he didn't call with good news; he was ready to go, his bags were loaded on the plane and then he was informed that he had been bumped from the flight. Drew would not be leaving Kuwait this day.

I have cried and cried. In fact it has been the hardest day in well over a month. Months and months of anticipation came crashing down around my shoulders.

As the news settled in and I tried to keep going with our plans for the day, I found myself asking, "What do I do now?" All of my plans had begun to focus on Drew's homecoming, but I found that too difficult to do just now. Plus with this last minute change in plans, I no longer trust future plans will go as expected. I won't feel certain until Drew's feet are on US soil and even then, it won't be certain until my arms are around him. So what do I do now? 

As I told Drew when he told me, we'll just have to wait a little longer. And how will we wait? We'll wait expectantly knowing the Lord is still in control- even when our plans are turned on their head.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:28-31

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:14

Lord,

This storm may be small in comparison to so much of what happens in this life, but thank you for giving me someplace to look that is above the fray- Someone to focus on that is faithful, steady and true. Thank you, Lord, for bringing us this far and help us in the days ahead. 

I cannot deny that I am disappointed. I am so ready for Drew to be home. I just want to touch him and know that he is near. I want to watch him with the girls and celebrate with him as he sees how much they have grown. I want to spend my evenings relaxing in his arms and enjoy family meals together again. But I must wait a little longer Lord. Please be with us while we wait. 

Yes it is painful, but help me to wait patiently, taking each step in obedience. May this time of waiting, be a time of peace and preparation, expectation and joy, as can only be found in You. 

The Merry to Our Christmas

A few months back, I was thinking about how I could incorporate Drew in our Christmas card without resorting to a picture from before he left. I wanted to embrace our situation. I found a Christmas banner that was split into two ropes- one saying "Merry" and one saying "Christmas." When I saw it, I knew what I wanted to do. I sent Drew the Merry banner and asked that he take a picture with it.

In the mean time, the girls and I would take a picture with the Christmas banner. Then I could order photo cards with two pictures- Drew's picture on the left and ours on the right. In that way our whole family could wish our friends and family Merry Christmas from around the world. Then we found out that Drew would likely be home before Christmas, and suddenly that plan didn't feel right.

Time has moved on and this last week, the girls and I have decorated our house for Christmas.

 As I pulled out the Christmas banner to hang over our basement fireplace, I stepped back to admire it and thought, "Now all we need is for Drew to bring the Merry."

How true is that! Christmas is a time of joyful celebration no matter what. Even if Drew was away, Christmas would still be a time to celebrate God's gift to the world and the girls excitement would be bubbling over and infectious. For me though, I knew Christmas would be bittersweet because of how much Drew would be missed. Now not only will Drew return the Merry banner to our home, but with his return, he will add the Merry to our Christmas. And that is a gift from God as well!

The First Step

I cannot believe what time it is. 

It's incredible, amazing and absolutely unbelieveable. 

As I write this, Drew is very likely at or even on the plane that will take him out of Afghanistan.

Drew is coming home, 

and right now he is taking the first step back to our arms.

Skype to the Rescue

Written Friday, November 21st (Follow Up to post "Soon But Not Soon Enough")

 As the week has progressed, Naomi has continued to struggle with Drew's absence- in a way we've not yet seen. She has needed more ways to connect to him and made many more comments about his absence.

For the last 25 weeks, it has been our tradition to wear "Daddy shirts" on Fridays. These may be red shirts in honor of Red Fridays, Army-themed shirts, or any other Daddy shirt they own (ie. "Daddy's girl," "I love my Daddy," etc.). Naomi in particular has come to love this tradition and does make the connection to Fridays. Today however when I mentioned wearing her "Daddy's Girl" t-shirt, she told me she couldn't because Mr. Pace (her teacher) wasn't her Daddy and that's who was going to be at the Pizza and Pops event. I reminded her that we always wear Daddy shirts on Fridays and that even if Daddy isn't at school with her today, she can wear a shirt to remember him.

What she didn't know was that my Mom had suggested I see if we could set up a Skype call between Drew and Naomi during the Pizza and Pops event, and everything was falling into place so that she could see and share with her Daddy at school as well.

What a joyous thing to watch Naomi talk to Drew and share wih him the gift she had made! Happiness was evident in Naomi's voice and her absolutely genuine, carefree smile.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who helped make it happen!

Thankful

I am thankful for a Godly man to call my husband.

I am thankful for Drew’s early return.

I am thankful for laughter and joy despite sorrow and absence.

I am thankful for parents who taught me about and lived a life of love for the Lord.

I am thankful for a loving family.

I am thankful for good friends, for whom time and distance do not matter.

I am thankful for our church families scattered around the country, who have encouraged, supported                                     and challenged us.

I am thankful for those who have offered a helping hand, watched the girls, spoken words of                                                      encouragement, and listened when I needed to work through issues.

I am thankful for technology that allows us to talk and see Drew despite the distance.

I am thankful for lessons learned through this deployment.

I am thankful I have been given an assurance regarding my eternal home.

Above all, I am thankful for an all-knowing, all-powerful, ever- present God who is still concerned with one such as me- my needs, my wishes, my fears, my joys…. my future.

How Do You Do it?

Over the past months, a question I have commonly heard is "How do you do it?" That's a tough question to answer. If you asked me why I do it, the answer comes easily. I do it because I love my husband. I want my husband to be happy and I cannot imagine him in any other profession. Separations and deployments are part of the Army package and so I do it because I have to.

But how do I do it? Whenever I am asked that question, I feel like I stumble around. Tonight I heard a song that seemed to nicely wrap up my thoughts on the matter.


"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait"

(John Waller, While I'm Waiting)


How do I do it? I think the reality is I don't do it. By myself- on my own- I wouldn't be able to do it. No, I am able to do it because I am constantly waiting on the Lord to lead me. He has given me the strength, the wisdom, the confidence, and the perserverance. He has shown me that despite all, I can have joy, hope, and peace when I sit at His feet. While I wait, both for Drew's return and the Lord's leading, I keep myself going by serving Him where He has placed me- with our girls, in our church and in our community. And throughout it, I find that the best days are not those that have been free of stress or troubles, but those that are filled with my obedience and worship of Him.

Does that mean I have skated through this deployment, without a sense of loss or despair? Does that mean I have handled every situation beautifully? Absolutely NOT! No while I serve a perfect God, I am not perfect. I have plowed ahead on my own strength and knowledge; I have ignored; I have refused to wait any longer. With each of those, I have struggled until I turned back and once again sat at His feet, waiting for His guidance and direction.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?

When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. 
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to meditate in His temple.

For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You,
“Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.”
Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!

Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:1-9, 14

Soon, But Not Soon Enough

We only have about a month, 30 days, until Drew is home. That news is exciting, and yet, it is still at least 30 days. In any other situation, 30 days apart would sound terrible, but the alternative places it in a new light. Still as we have continued on from the great news, the realities of every day life have taken some of the shine off as we settle in to wait.... 

wait for December to come, 

wait for Drew to leave Afghanistan, 

wait for Drew to get his name on the fly list out of Kuwait, 

wait to see when he'll actually begin his journey back to the States.

Yet as we wait, we comfort ourselves in the knowledge that he will be home soon.

Pizza and Pops- a special lunch for the kindergartners and their Dads- is this Friday. All of the children in Naomi's class will have their Dads or a Grandpa with them-- all except Naomi. She hasn't acted too upset about it. Her PE teacher has volunteered to come and sit with her as a friend and she thought that was exciting until she realized that she would be the only one without her Dad or Grandpa. This afternoon, I was asking her about a special gift they have been working on for their Dads and in the process, she broke down. She wants her Dad to come. She wants "Daddy to come home NOW." Our beautiful little girl, who has been so strong throughout this deployment, just wants to share pizza with her Dad, just like every other student in her class. A sweet simple wish that we cannot fulfill.

30 days is definitely better than 100+ days. 30 days suddenly sounds so soon. 

But today.... soon.... just isn't soon enough.

Lord,

Please be with us as we wait. We are ever so grateful that Drew is coming home so much sooner than we anticipated. Yet still, the waiting is hard. It is so close and yet still too far away. Help us to take it one day at a time and to enjoy each day You have given us.

 Please be my guide as I help Naomi through the next few days, as she finds herself in a situation where Drew's absence becomes glaringly clear. Be with her this Friday. I pray she will have a good time with her classmates and her PE teacher. Thank you for his willingness to step in, taking away some of the sting of her own father's absence. 

Where Fears Are Stilled

Drew's return is drawing ever closer and I can't think of anything else I want in this world than for the arrival of that day.

Yet as the time approaches, I also find a nagging fear. I've always heard that the post-deployment adjustment can be harder on a couple than the separation ever was. I've read that the expectations of the two can often contribute to this and I have tried very hard to not expect Drew's return to mean the end of my need to carry a heavier burden regarding the home (both house and girls). Yet as time ticks by, I find myself dreaming more and more of the day when I am not solely left to handle various tasks. As I dream of this, I try to not expect Drew to come home and immediately be prepared to take on the duties as before his deployment, yet I hope that somehow he can.

It's this hope that scares me. There isn't much in this life more important to me than my relationship with Drew and there is nothing more that I want than to see it restored to where it was before he had to leave and continue to grow and flourish in the way that it had been at that time. I am afraid of what I might knowingly or unknowingly expect of him upon his return. I am afraid I will be selfish in those expectations. I am afraid I will be impatient in the days that follow his return. I am afraid I will be disappointed if things don't return to how I remember (although it seems improbable that they will).

I have had elevated emotions throughout this whole experience- every high has seemed higher and every low has felt lower- and I expect that to remain true after as well. I know his return will be the high point of this year, yet that just leaves more room to crash, greater heights to fall from if I am not realistic and do not have reasonable expectations.


"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand."

(In Christ Alone, Natalie Grant)


Yes, Lord,

That is my prayer. That as we approach this wonderful and glorious time- a time of great joy- my hope, my strength, my peace will be found in You, and I pray that through all of the adjustments that lay before us, I will stand in Your love and I will love, completely and unselfishly, just as You love us.

Taking a Moment to Gush

I can't help it. I try not to gush too much about Drew because he does not like having the spotlight or everyone's attention on him (unless he's intentionally hamming it up). He has genuinely never been one for awards, commendations or public praise and I wish to respect who he is. He has however said it's okay for me to gush every now and then, and oh, do I want to do so today.

This is one INCREDIBLE man!

Deployment is hard. It's hard all the way around, and if you've talked to me, you may have heard me say that the girls, although they can drive me insane some days, are also a great source of sanity for me. They have brightened my days and kept me going. Drew does not have that. All around him is unfamiliar- from his roommate to the terrain and environment. At the same time, he is dealing with stressful situations, long hours and all else that comes with a combat zone. Yet despite this, he has been a source of laughter, love and joy for us. He has been there to encourage me when I am down, listen when my thoughts become a jumbled mess, and support me when I am hurt and confused. Despite being the one in the war zone, he has remained my biggest encourager and closest friend. And if that wasn't enough, he still tries to find tangible ways to help me here at home. 

He knows that there has been a lot of stress in our home lately and that some days I don't feel like I can keep my head above the water. He also knows that keeping the home in decent shape is essential for me. I become quite stressed if my floors are gritty or covered in little bits of this or that, if the coat of dust is noticeable from a distance or if the counters and sink are not generally clean. I can let it go a little, but too much for too long and it only makes things worse. Knowing how things have been lately, he found and took the time to research cleaning companies for me, in the hopes of scheduling a cleaning of the house- just to make life a little easier for me. Imagine that- he wants to make my life easier.... the one away from all family, friends and familiarity- the one handling the demands and needs of a military force at war. Incredible! He is incredible.

Thank you, Lord, for this incredible man. 

Thank you for his willingness to serve our country, others and You. 

Thank you for his faithful, steadfast heart and boundless love and joy. 

Thank you for the laughter he brings into our home and the devotion he shows to all. 

Thank you for the example he sets for our girls and the faith which carries him through. 

Thank you for his shoulders which bear so many burdens yet always have room for me to rest upon.

Keep him safe Lord- body and spirit- and bring him home. 

Sure, Mom

Our oldest has been difficult and challenging for the last many weeks. She has not responded well to anything that is not what or how she wants it, and lately saying she hasn't responded well sounds like a ridiculous understatement. So today when I asked Naomi to take care of some items she left discarded in the living room, I expected at least a little push back. Instead, she promptly said, "Sure, Mom" and then followed through. YAY!!!

Thank you, God! I know this is not the end of things. I know we most likely still have many rough patches ahead of us and yet, those two simple little words were wonderful, a balm to my soul and encouragement for the days ahead.

From My Depths to His Heights

There is nothing more humbling than to have to face yourself at your worse, to see yourself broken and beyond flawed.

Yesterday the weight of everything pressed down on me more than at any other time and finally something inside me snapped. The results were terrible. It was as though I became detached from emotion and acted purely on impulse, and my first impulse was anger- irrational and immediate. I wasn't violent but all gentleness was lost. I hate to say that; I'm ashamed to say it, but that is what happened.

As the anger subsided, it was replaced with deep grief and shame, and with those came the tears. Thankfully as the tears flowed, I found myself crying out to God, and there was nothing better I could have done.

The day continued to be difficult. Naomi had one of her absolute worse days ever.... and I have been around for some rough days. Her attitude and words were distressing, but the worst thing was the look in her eyes. I cannot fully describe it. The one thing I can say is that what poured forth was frighteningly malevolent and it's so troubling to think that is possible with our little girl.

Yet through the afternoon, I felt a guiding force, directing when I spoke, what I said, the tone and volume of my voice, and the direction I took with our daughter. A peace beyond all understanding encompassed me, and hope and joy in God's goodness filled my thoughts.

By the end of the day, it seemed as though I had taken a page straight out of the Psalms.


"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, 
My glory and the One who lifts my head. 
I was crying to the Lord with my voice, 
And He answered me from His holy mountain. 
I lay down and slept; 
I awoke, for the Lord sustains me." 

Psalm 3:3-5

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

and He inclined to me and heard my cry. 

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay.

And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. 

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a song of praise to our God; 

Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord. 

How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust, 

and has not turned to the proud nor to those who lapse into falsehood. 

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, 

And Your thoughts toward us; 

There is none to compare with You. 

If I would declare and speak of them, 

they would be too numerous to count." 

Psalm 40:1-5

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God."

Psalm 42:11

Best Christmas Gift Ever!

I woke up to my phone's new e-mail signal. Knowing there is only one person who typically sends me an e-mail at that time, I wanted to read it right away. As soon as I saw the subject line "Good News," my heart began to beat quicker. Could it be? Was it the news I had hoped and prayed for?

As I read through the message, the tears began to fall, and by the time I had re-read the e-mail, I was literally shaking- trembling with joy and excitement.

Drew is returning early. 

He will be home for Christmas. 

Best gift ever!

Thank you, Lord, for this incredible gift and Your unending providence.

Pray for Me

Our house in the last few weeks has gone through a drastic transformation, and while I wish I could tell you that it is because we have found a great routine for the school year and all is running smoother than I could ever have imagined, that just isn't the case.

All you need to do is look back a year or a little more, read about some of the troubles we were dealing with then and apply to now. Our house has a very similar feel now. Naomi, in attitude and behavior, has returned to many of the same issues we faced then. Added to that, Noelle is two and is going through typical two-year-old issues- challenging authority, questioning boundaries, grasping for independence and struggling to share.

Previous moments like this have always been difficult but we always made it because we were a team. When I was too worn down or stressed from the day, Drew would always be there to fill in the gap, to bear the burden of the rages and give me a chance for calm and peace. This time though, he can't do that. He is still my teammate and helps me in what ways he can, but I am on my own to deal with the day in, day out issues that seem so constant (well at least whenever the girls are awake).

I am worn down, stressed out and feel as though my emotions and nerves are frayed and hyper-sensitive.  All the while, I continue to do my best to address both of the girls needs- attention and love, correction and discipline, fun and learning. However I often stumble along the way and sometimes downright fail.

This situation was one of my greatest fears going into the deployment and now it is here, staring me down. The girls are one of our greatest gifts and greatest responsibilities, and Drew has entrusted them to my care during this time. And because of that, I ask that you pray for me.

Pray for His strength to support me.
Pray for His Spirit to guide me.
Pray for wisdom to deal with each situation with love and purpose.
Pray for His peace to calm my nerves and sooth my fears.
Pray for the words I will say and the choices I will make.
Pray for our evenings, when the girls grow grumpy and I grow short on.... everything.
Pray for our two precious girls as they grow.
Pray for their hearts and their hands- their minds and their mouths.

When Mommy Isn't Watching

The timing of Drew's call yesterday and my outpouring must have been God-given, for today I needed every extra ounce of strength and patience I could possess (plus more).

The girls are challenging me. Both in their own way. With Noelle, I have a good idea how I need to address her challenges as she doesn't truly like to get in trouble and therefore lacks any strong conviction to disobey or defy. Naomi is another issue. She can be openly stubborn and defiant. There are time I can easily recall a look in her eye that told me that nothing I said or did would get through at that time because she had entrenched herself and wasn't going to budge. Yet more often, Naomi is  likely to employ sneakiness. She'll be the picture of obedience in my presence or the presence of any other adult, but the minute we are gone, she'll be quietly disobeying- either with her own hands or by encouraging others to do so in her stead. This sneakiness has made a reappearance in the last few weeks but was caught red-handed today.

This morning I had to correct and talk with Naomi about encouraging Noelle to disobey and how her part in such a situation is disobedience as well. Then this evening after going outside no more than a few minutes earlier, I caught her doing something I would never, NEVER have thought she would do. We have addressed the issue so thoroughly in smaller ways that I would never have imagined she would choose to do something so flagrant, but she did just that.

Please pray for us as we move ahead. It has always been very emotionally and physically taxing to consistently and faithfully address Naomi's sneaky disobedience. Its presence seems to ebb and flow but once it begins, it usually lasts several weeks before she decides it isn't worth it. Now I find myself in the midst of this once again, but it is compounded by Noelle's new-founded disobedience and the many stresses of the deployment.


Lord,

Help me in the days ahead. Let me take them one at a time, even one moment at a time if need be. Give me the strength, patience and wisdom to address the issues that have arisen with the girls. Help me to appropriately and consistently guide and correct them when needed. 

Be with Naomi and help her to see her actions are never truly out of sight. May she see and learn the value of truthful living- both in her words and her deeds. 

Help me as I look for places I can better prioritize and look for options that will help me manage the multitude of responsibilities I find placed on my shoulders during this deployment. May I not become so task-focused that I miss a greater need of the girls.

Despite The Miles Between

Under the umbrella of God's love comes so much- His comfort, His presence, His patience, His grace, His body of believers. Our family, our friends, our church- they are all gifts from God who have encouraged and supported us in this time and many of whom have reminded us where to focus, whom to look towards, whom to rely upon and where our strength comes from. I am ever so thankful for all of those God has brought into our lives and their help through this time, but even more so, I am thankful that God brought one man into my life.

I have talked with several people lately about some of my struggles. They all have been most caring, considerate and encouraging, yet still I found self-recriminations and stress getting the best of me. Yesterday we were able to get on Skype with Drew and without intending it, I ended up sharing with him, all in the midst of tears. I felt terrible laying that knowledge at his feet, knowing there was nothing he could physically do to help me despite his desires and wishes.  At the same time though, I felt the burden begin to lift. I cannot explain it. In typical Drew fashion, he said very little except to reassure me that it was okay to share and express what I was feeling, yet the effect of sharing with Drew brought a peace I haven't felt concerning the issues in days, if not weeks. It continues to amaze me how quickly and easily he can calm some of those nagging voices in my head and quiet the doubts that assault me, and at times like that, I can only thank God that He brought us together.

God has brought great comfort, strength and peace to my heart and soul and uses Drew to continue to calm and quiet my thoughts. I am so thankful for His guidance which led me to ignore pressure and concerns and wait for a summer in Texas and a 19 year old young man, a man who has understood me better than any one else I have ever met and who can, with a simple joke and incredible smile, erase doubts and fears from thousands of miles away.

120 days down..... and I know now- more than ever- how much I cherish my husband.

120 Days

                It has been

                                  3.9 months-

                                                     17 weeks-

                                                                      120 days-

                                                                                      since Drew left.

Wow! That seems incredible, especially when I consider it in terms of days. Have we really marked off 120 days of what will likely be nearly 300 days of separation? In some ways that is encouraging (as long as I don't consider the opposite side of the coin and look at how much time is left). We are slowly making it. I have had some bad days. I have had several roller coaster weeks but we are making it.

We are making it

1 day at a time - with  2 eyes on the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Lord,

Sometimes the pain is so unbearable. Drew's absence is never far from me or my thoughts, but there are so many times when I tangibly feel his absence in my chest- a pressure, a hole. It hurts beyond all reason, and it can consume me- my thoughts, my actions, my every emotion. 

My thoughts are so scattered right now. They jump from one issue related to Drew to the next, yet one thing I know for certain. I don't want the next many months to be filled with this. I realize there will be moments and days when I will feel the full extent of the sorrow and pain, but I don't want to live there. Not only for my sake or the girls, but because I know there are so many others who are suffering and dealing with their own struggles all around me.

Help me, Lord, to look past my own pain and see those around me. Open my eyes, Lord, and let me see what You see and feel as You feel.

When The Floodgates Open

I suppose it was only a matter of time. All it took was one small, seemingly minor comment (at least to the speaker), and I saw the dam break and the floodgates open. 

Drew and I have had spotty, inconsistent communication for the last month or more. Whether it be Skype or the post (mailing packages), things have been rough going and nothing like what people assured us we could expect to help us stay connected throughout this time. It has been wearing. 

Drew finally got his new mailing address at Kandahar and two days later (just after the weekend), we were at the post office to send him another care package with everything from goodies and treats and items he'd requested to personal letters, drawings and pictures. I had everything ready to go, or so I thought. When I got to the counter, I was told that I couldn't use the customs form as I had filled it out and needed to complete a new one. However the new form didn't resolve the issue, so I did the best I could given what I was provided with. I finished up and went back to the counter. The clerk began to process the package, sticking on the customs forms, and handling my payment. At the very end, she tells me that she doesn't know if the package will ever make it to him as customs may well return the box due to the forms. She had never seen them done this way before. The dam broke at that moment and all logical thought left, so I never thought to ask for the package back. Instead I now have to hope that our package, so carefully and lovingly compiled just for Drew, makes it to him in decent time.

Of course, it is possible there will be no difficulty with the package and it may seem like a small thing, but for me on this day, it was the last thing I wanted or could hear. These care packages are my little way to tangibly show Drew our love, to share a piece of home with him while he is far away, and it felt like it was being taken away. That was heaped on everything else and before I knew it, the tears began and unlike in the past, I couldn't stop them. For the first time since Drew left, I couldn't find any motivation to put one foot in front of the next. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and hide from the world- preferably until next March- even as the girls played nearby. The pain of loss and sorrow were unrelenting and overwhelming, and I just wanted to have Drew walk in the door, take me in his arms and wipe away the tears.

As I lay there, words from a song we sang at church yesterday came back to me:

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

(In Christ Alone by Natalie Grant)

And from there, I felt drawn to Psalms:

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain.  I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me." Psalm 3:3-5


I sit four days later looking back over the week that began so tumultuously and I can say with absolute certainty that God has truly sustained me, but not only that, He has lifted my spirit, calmed my emotions, guided my hands and feet and returned my smile.

Faithful to the Finish

Today our home church said goodbye to a well-loved minister and his family, as they head out for a new ministry in another state. He spoke one last time during church service on being "Faithful to Finish." In his message, he was specifically talking about our lifetime- being faithful until our time on earth is complete. Yet over the course of the day, it has taken on even greater meaning for me.

Of course, I desire nothing more than to hear the Lord tell me, "Well done, good and faithful servant" when my life on earth is done, and I do my best to live in such a way that it will come to fruition. Yet right now, the deployment has made me a bit more short-sighted when it comes to most things. It is hard to look too far ahead because I am reminded how long it will be until Drew returns. Perhaps it is short in the long run, but it is ever so long at this moment. Instead I find that I am just handling the needs for this day (and maybe some basic plans for the week).

Being faithful to the finish is challenging as my own desires and feelings often struggle against something far greater than I, and not just on the scope of my lifetime. For right now I just want to faithfully finish this hard time in our life, and sometimes I have to find the ability just to be faithful to the finish of the day. Especially lately, I have felt overwhelmed by all the burdens of responsibility at home as well as the unceasing sorrow of Drew's absence, and I have voiced to myself that I just didn't see how I could do it for another six months. A week or so ago, I was probably at the lowest I have been since Drew left, and the only way I have come up out of it was by being faithful- just for the day ahead.

Faithful to complete the tasks set before me during this time. 

Faithful to recognize my inability and His great ability. 

Faithfully relinquishing my control and relying on His strength and omnipotence. 

Faithfully trusting in His promises, providence, love and grace.

As I sit here looking back over the last three months and facing another six, I know there is only one way to faithfully finish the course set before me. "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." (1 Corinthians 15:58) And while I do not know the future and could not even tell you with certainty how tomorrow will turn out, I have confidence that persevering in this effort will lead to peace in the midst of sorrow and strife. For "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal," (Isaiah 26:3-4) and  "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Lord,

Great God, mighty and strong to deliver us from all troubles, yet loving us enough to let us endure as a Father with His children. Thank you for your incredible faithfulness, despite my often wandering heart and stubborn will. May I faithfully follow and serve you in this time- knowing that living faithfully for this day will one day lead to faithfully finishing.

This I Know

Today Drew confirmed that, at least for a short while, his circumstances were changing, placing him in far greater danger. It was hard to consider initially. I could feel this heaviness weigh down on my chest and it seemed nothing could lift it. At first, my thoughts were consumed with the many hazards and "what ifs", but I did my best to replace those thoughts with things I know are certain and prayed that God would help me stay focused on those.

I know.....

The Lord is always with me-

Deuteronomy 31:8- "The Lord Himself is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Hebrews 10:23- "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;"


God commands a mighty army-

2 Kings 6:15-17- "Now when the attendant of the man of God had risen early and gone out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was circling the city. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” And the Lord opened the servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha."

"I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side"

"Whom Shall I Fear" by Chis Tomlin

All I have to do is look up-

Psalm 121- "I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever."

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine."

"Oceans" by Hillsong United

And trust in Him-

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Psalm 9:10- "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You."

Isaiah 12:2- “Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation.”

John 14:1- "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me."

Romans 15:13- "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

"And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul."

"It is Well" by Bethel Music

To Run a 5K

I have been planning to write this for several weeks now, but I have avoided it. Once it's out there, people will know and then I'll have to follow through. That's actually why I want to share this and it's why I have hesitated to share.

I have never been athletic. I never attended a dance or gymnastics class; I never participated in peewee soccer or t-ball. I wasn't on a jr. high or high school sports team. I struggled in PE, always feeling awkward and uncomfortable except for the occasional activity. It's not that I never wanted to be in sports, but that awkwardness and discomfort always stilled any thoughts I might have had.

To make matters worse when I was in seventh grade, I began having grand mal seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. After that diagnosis, I never ran another mile in school. I would begin along with the rest of my class each fall and spring for the Presidential Fitness test, but each time as I was wearing down- somewhere between the half mile and three quarter mile mark, my teacher would notice me and become concerned because I looked so pale, ect. They worried I might go into a seizure and would pull me from the run before I finished it.

Fast forward more than half of my life time.

It was last summer. We had recently moved to Virginia and I had been working on taking off the last few pounds that I had put on from my second pregnancy. I didn't want to be stuck in the house, so I decided to take advantage of our location and began to run from our house down to the marina and back. It was exactly one mile. After my first run, I was already hooked. I enjoyed it more than I had imagined. It wasn't fun, but the thought of what I could accomplish attracted me. That was the first time I thought about running a 5K.

Months passed again. We moved to Colorado and were notified of Drew's deployment. I knew between church, volunteering, Naomi beginning school and my hobbies, we would have plenty to keep us busy, but I wanted a goal of some kind to work towards during his deployment. Running a 5K came back to mind. I asked Drew that if, when he returned, I was up for it, would he run a 5K with me? Not surprisingly, he said he would.

With the routine that school has brought to our life, I have started to regularly go to the YMCA to work toward that goal. I cannot lie. It is hard; I am ever so intimidated to be in a room filled with work out machinery and I don't feel like I really belong on the running track either. I feel like that awkward, non-athletic teenager once again. This time though I will overcome because the thought of running with Drew spurs me on.

Mark my word. Next spring/summer, you will see pictures of Drew and I after completing my first 5K.

The Two Faces of Skype

Oh Skype, you are both wonderful and torturous at the same time.

You have been such a blessing, helping our family to connect in a way we could never have done before. It is so good to see and hear Drew. It is wonderful to be able to share with him on the girls' birthdays and other momentous events here at home. It is so sweet to see him and know he is well. It is incredible to see a brief smile or share a private moment that are so prevalent when we're together.Then there's the girls- although they may not focus much on the computer during the calls, they are obviously calmed by the brief moments they see and speak to him. In such ways, you are beyond wonderful.

But there is another side to this Skype relationship that tears at my heart. More and more, we find ourselves sitting with the computer near, signed in to Skype, waiting. Thirty, forty-five, sixty minutes pass and no call can be connected. The hope of seeing Drew, the joy and calm that comes from whatever time we can manage before the call is lost or dropped, is torn from our hands, leaving an even greater sense of loss. In this way, you are nothing more than a tease and most torturous.

 Lately I have had to bite my tongue when people tell me how lucky we are to have Skype, as lately Skype has only seemed to highlight the separation and loss instead of minimizing it. Yet I know that these individuals mean it for the best and do not realize how difficult it has been for Drew to get and maintain an internet connection that can support a call- video or voice. I also know that while lately Skype has been less wonderful and more of a tease, I am still ever, ever so thankful for the opportunity to celebrate both of the girls birthdays with Drew and each chance we have to see each other. No it's not enough, but then again, I don't expect it to ever be enough. For now, I just need to focus on the good it has brought us and be thankful for that.

"In the day of prosperity be happy,

But in the day of adversity consider—

God has made the one as well as the other

So that man will not discover anything that will be after him."

Ecclesiastes 7:14

Normal

This weekend I ran into a situation where I could really use a second set of eyes and outside opinion to help direct my thoughts and actions along the best forward path. Typically I would turn to Drew. Given the circumstance, though, I hesitated to contact him now- as if he really needed my petty troubles to consider given his current locale. So I began to think about other individuals, but in the end because of personal reasons, I didn't feel comfortable going to anyone else with this situation. So I did what I have done for so many years now. I turned to my husband.

Despite the distance, time difference and his long work hours, he still managed to write back with a thought out response within half a day. I'm not certain I can fully express how wonderful that was. In the midst of this whole separation, this interaction felt "normal". That's not something I feel much of these days with Drew so far away and so difficult to reach. Yet today, things between us felt normal and for that I am ever so grateful. There is not much that I desire more than to get back to our normal family life and today I was granted a reminder that someday, feeling normal will not be foreign. No, someday- once again- normal will be the norm.

Going Home

So after nearly two and a half weeks visiting family, it is time to begin to prepare and think about going home. The only problem is that I'm not certain where home is.

We'll be returning to Colorado because that is where we reside.....for now. That is where we volunteer, attend school, rent a home and store our worldly possessions. But does a closet of clothes and a cupboard of family heirlooms make a home? No- I love how we have decorated our house and cherish our family heirlooms, but our home is not a home just because of the things inside. It's been our home because of the family that is within the walls. Right now though, most of the family travels with me and the rest, well the rest won't be in Colorado any time soon. So is Colorado our home or is it merely our residence?

I also love my family. I love my parents and my siblings. I love my grandparents. And while I love them all, enjoy every moment we have together, and may be more at peace and at rest when with them, their homes are not my home any longer. The rhythm of my life was forever altered when I said "I do," and there is no going home in the same way as before.

So if Colorado isn't our home and our extended family isn't our home, where is home? The first response that comes to mind is, "Home is where the heart is." So where is my heart?

A part follows along behind me- and I mean that quite literally at times. Our two little ducklings often trail behind this Mama Duck and I know where I am, they'll not be too far away. So in this case, home could be anywhere of my choosing.

A big part of my heart is in Afghanistan. We have worked for more than seven years now to make our two lives one and home just isn't home without him. For now though, being with him isn't possible.

And here's where the math gets fuzzy, because I know with all certainty that all of my heart is actually beyond this world-yearning for my soul's rest and home in heaven. “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21 So can I ever be "at home" here on earth?

It seems to me that God has given us, through our relationships, a taste of the home He has and is preparing for us. I know the joy, peace, rest and contentment I have when I am with Drew and our girls and if that is just a foretaste of what is to come, Oh what delights await those who faithfully follow and serve Him!

Lead Me To Calvary

Today during church service, we sang the hymn "Lead Me to Calvary." As we sang the last verse, thoughts began whirling around:

"May I be willing, Lord, to bear

Daily my cross for Thee;

Even Thy cup of grief to share,

Thou hast borne all for me."

I don't know, and I would be unwilling to state, that Drew's deployment is my cross to bear or a share of Christ's grief. It is absolutely possible that our situation is specifically God-given, but it is also completely possible that this deployment is a natural consequence of our decisions and actions (ie. Drew choosing a career in the Army). Whether or not the deployment was specifically a part of God's bigger plan, I am certain He can and is using it for His good. I feel confident it will be used to teach us, stretch us and, hopefully, further mold us to be more like Him. 

No matter what though, this verse reminded me of something more. "May I be willing, Lord, to bear daily my cross  for Thee." You see, it seems that often we are willing to identify areas, experiences, events in our lives that are our "cross to bear" or our "thorn in the flesh," but there's more to it than just bearing our burdens or sorrow. 

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but  whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:24-26

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

Bearing well under the toils of this life is commendable, but bearing them for Christ or for His sake adds a whole new dimension. Who's glory do I seek throughout this time? Am I seeking praise for my own response and actions? Am I seeking praise for Drew's sacrifice? Or am I seeking to continually point all praise, honor and glory back to God, by whom and through whom we have made it thus far? What more should I be doing? The chorus seems to provide a wonderful starting point. 

"Lest I forget Gethsemane,

Lest I forget Thine agony,

Lest I forget Thy love for me,

Lead me to Calvary."

Lord,

May I never forget all the grief, pain and separation You experienced on my behalf, on behalf of my friends and family and for all of mankind. May this time be a time of growth and refining and Lord, I pray that through it all, I will point all the glory to You, for it is through You alone that we will come through.

Just Ask

My name is Danielle and I have a hard time asking for help.

Five years ago, Drew was away for BOLC II; I was struggling with severe morning sickness during my first pregnancy and had the sole responsibility of overseeing our first military move. One day at work, I was talking with a good friend about some of the things on my plate, and he stopped me and told me that he and his wife and family would be more than willing to help. In my usual way, I quickly agreed, but something led my friend to pursue it more, pointing out to me that even if I knew they would help, I would never ask for the help and I should. He reminded me that God had placed each of us in the midst of a family of believers to encourage, correct, teach and support one another, and part of that support was helping each other in difficult or challenging times. He pointed out that it was wrong for me to refuse or not acknowledge that aspect of God's providence.

That was the first time I had to directly face and admit to myself that I do have a hard time asking others for help. Sadly, the lesson didn't stick as well as it should have. I've continued to struggle with asking people for help. Most likely, there is an underlying issue related to vulnerability and pride, but in my head I don't ask because whenever I consider asking someone for help, I usually hear one of three "buts":

(1) .....but I don't want to be an imposition/ I don't want to take away from their family time.
(2) ..... but I don't want them to think I am taking advantage of the relationship we do have.
(3)...... but it's my responsibility.

Every now and then, there will be a different reason, but always, always, always there is some reason, some excuse, for why I shouldn't ask. And more often than not, I don't ask anyone for help.

Drew's deployment has been a time for learning to ignore and let go of those excuses. There are some times when two adults are needed and some times when I just need help- even with a matter that seems trivial. So far, each time there have been willing hands at the ready as soon as I asked, and I know, thanks to so many offers, that there are even more ready and willing hands just waiting for a time when I ask again. Each time I ask and receive aid, I find myself thanking God for another lesson- a lesson in humility, a lesson in the body of Christ, a lesson in gratitude.

God has provided for us. He has provided for our physical needs. He has provided for our spiritual needs and He has provided for our emotional needs. But as with so many of His gifts, He may provide but we must accept. His gift of freewill just works that way. We can choose whether or not we want to accept his providence of a caring, supportive Church family, just as He has given us the choice on whether or not we believe in Him and allow Him to be Lord of our life.


“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.." Matthew 7:7-12

Beautiful Pain

Most days things seem to go fairly smooth. Routine and purpose keep me moving and motivated to handle all that lays at my feet these days. Yet still there are some days when it takes all I have just to shuffle through, completing only the most basic, basic of tasks (primarily caring for the girls and ensuring they get three meals a day). It feels like I have had a week of just those kinds of days. There have been outside forces, such as sick children and now a sick me, that have aggravated everything, but deep down at the heart of the issue, these days have come about because of one thing:

I miss Drew.

I miss Drew ever so much.

Even writing those words causes tears to flow freely. Tears have been my frequent companion and tears have been the day's final act each night as I finally succumb to sleep. They come unannounced and at unexpected times. Except at night, the situation is always different, but no matter what the circumstance, the reason is always the same- Drew is not near.

At this moment, the pain seems nearly unbearable and I know there is no relief in sight. Drew is my other half and there is nothing and no one who can lessen or fill the void his absence has created while I await his return. The days will go on. Many will be pleasant and joy-filled, but still I will carry Drew's absence with me. Yet despite all of that, I am thankful for the pain- okay, maybe not the pain itself but what the pain represents. I am thankful for Drew. I am incredibly thankful that he is my husband and I am grateful for the relationship we have. 

A relationship that makes this time apart hurt.

A relationship that makes the pain beautiful.

Hand Count

Some stories just need to be shared. Forgive me if it isn't done in the most eloquent of ways.
(Written a week ago Friday.)

After a busy morning and afternoon, I found myself in the kitchen finishing up the prep work for a side dish to take to a church event this evening and ready to focus on dressing the girls up as "princesses" for the same event- having just enough time to accomplish it all before we needed to be out the door. When all of a sudden I pressed my foot down and felt a sharp cutting pain in my left heel. I knew immediately what I'd done. Yesterday Noelle dropped a glass on the floor, shattering it. I'm certain I now had a sliver of the glass lodged in my heel. I sit down to look and realized it had gone completely into my foot. In the twenty minutes it would take me to loosen, wiggle and squeeze the sliver out of my heel, I sent Naomi on a few search and find missions (tweezers, ect.) and asked her to get herself dressed for the event. At the same time, I was hot from the rising humidity with no breeze or AC to cool the house, I had to shew Noelle out of my lap where she was determined to sit and I had to reassure Naomi that we would still be going to the church event.... we just may be late. All of this piling on when I'm already tired and exhausted and thinking just how nice it would be to have a second set of hands- preferably in the form of Drew.

By the time I removed the sliver, we were already late for the the church event, Noelle wasn't yet dressed and the house looked like a mini tornado had blown through. Not ideal, but it was time to focus on the needs and ignore the rest. We finally managed to get in the car and on our way.... thirty minutes late. So we get to the church building and I wondered just how much we've missed and if I would I be able to get something for the girls to eat without causing them to miss even more.

We walked in the doors and people were almost instantly there to help us. One lady came by and took my side dish, another directed us to the activity that was just finishing up, helping us to complete it so the girls didn't miss out. Then as we headed to the food line, I realized how daunting it may be. I had two little girls- one who's too excited to stay put and the other who was clinging to my side for dear life and neither who is big enough to carry a plate of food through the church building- plus myself to feed and only two hands. I figure Noelle and I could share a plate and I continued on. As I was setting Noelle down and asking her to hold Naomi's hand so we can go through the line, a lady from the church came up and offered to help fill our plates. She took Naomi and a plate and headed off, with Noelle and I just behind. We made our way through the line and were approaching the drink station where I once again did a hand count. Three plates, napkins, silverware, three drinks, two girls who needed corralling....  and only four hands to help. Somehow the math didn't seem to add up. I figured I can run back for additional drinks or again, we'd share, when a gentleman came up and offered to carry some drinks for us. I laughed to myself a bit as I saw the two girls walking with an "entourage" of adults behind- two additional sets of hands helping to get us settled only an hour after I was wishing for just one extra set to help me out.

As the girls and I sat down, I realized I no longer felt any of the frustration or stress from an hour ago. The consideration and helping hands of our Church family had caused them to be replaced with a sense of love, compassion and Heavenly providence. I have already seen how quickly our Church family has responded if I voiced a need and now I see people jumping in to help when they notice an unspoken need. I love my family and there will never be any to replace them, but I am ever so thankful for the Church and our Church family. We have seen their faithfulness and love in times past and we are experiencing it in its fullness once again.

One Month Down

One month has passed since Drew boarded a plane that took him away from family and home. One month down- eight plus months to go- and how are we doing? The straight forward, honest answer is that we are doing quite well.

We have worked through a few difficulties with Naomi and now her attitude and behavior are as good as we could ever hope for and not different in any material way from before Drew left. Noelle, who has always been fairly independent, needs more cuddles and close proximity to Mommy, but with the return of our regular schedule, she has otherwise settled back to her easy going, content self, playing and occupying herself quite easily for hours. I do find that both girls want to see Drew’s picture at least once a day and the viewing always includes a kiss or two. Since we have had the opportunity to Skype with Drew (about once every four or five days), there is a greater ease in both the girls.

Life for me seems to be much the same. There is more to handle and juggle, and it seems there is never enough time. However I am learning to cope and manage fairly well. Missing Drew never gets easier; in fact, it is getting worse with time. Yet I have a peace about it all. Most definitely, it is a peace that passes all understanding and I can only attribute it to God. There is no reason I should feel so at peace given Drew’s situation, and it seems from everyone’s comments and questions that they would agree with that statement. In fact because of that sense, I find myself questioning if there is something wrong with me, but I am not hiding from reality and I’m not avoiding the facts. I just know who is in control; I know who holds our lives in His hand and I know that He cares for us. That doesn’t mean we’ll be protected from harm but it does mean He’ll see us through whatever may come.

Eight months is still such a long time. All I want is to be wrapped in Drew’s arms, to have a true family dinner and not to go to bed alone. Some things won’t get easier and some things just can’t be “fixed.” Many tears have yet to be shed, but I know,

“The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

PRAISE GOD for His unceasing lovingkindness and providence and His concern for one as insignificant as I!

The Other Side of Renting

For the past year or so, I have cringed at the thought of how much we are spending on monthly rent. It provides us with a home, for which I’m forever grateful, but it seems like it would be more prudent to put those funds toward owning our own home. At least then, the money is towards an investment. We’ve never pursued that route, though, as we didn’t want to have to worry about selling the house when new PCS orders came through or turning the home into a rental property managed by someone else. So, we have continued to rent and this weekend, I couldn’t help but thank God that we do.

Friday night around 8:30, our doorbell rang. When I opened the door, a gentleman waited outside. He introduced himself as one of our neighbors and promptly asked me if I had seen the back yard. I must admit I was mystified. I had been outside but I hadn’t noticed anything. I said as much, so he explained that during a storm the other day, a tree in our backyard, which butts up to our mutual fence, split down the middle. One portion remained upright; the other half fell across not one, but two different fence lines- damaging slats, crossbars, and fence posts.

(our tree and the fence between our yard and our neighbor's)

(looking into our nieghbors yard and our tree on the fence between their yard and their neighbor's yard)

Our neighbor explained what he felt would be a fair arrangement for labor and parts needed to fix the fence lines. I told him I would pass the information on to the owners, along with contact information. And with that action, my portion of the whole event was complete. I can only imagine how different it would be if we owned the property and it was my responsibility to tend to the whole situation personally. I could do it, if it was needed, but I am thankful that it isn’t mine to handle. 

Waiting

Drew sent me an e-mail this morning (before he went to bed over there) and told me he would be on Skype from 8pm-9pm tonight, if we wanted to try to Skype. IF I wanted to try and Skype? Of course, I want to see and hear him, so as soon as I was able after 8pm, I signed on to Skype but Drew wasn't on.

So I waited......

                     and waited......

                                         and waited......

                                                             and waited......

And here it is after 9pm and I never did see or hear from Drew. I'm not hurt or upset because I know it's not because of Drew's wishes or wants but it happened because of his circumstances (whether work, sleep, internet or otherwise related). It's moments like these though that are so hard. The anticipation and excitement about seeing Drew and hearing his voice has gone unanswered and come up wanting and all the feelings I hold so closely to my heart have been freed to express the sorrow and longing that I carry each step of the day. Moments like this are going to be unavoidable and no amount of "preparation" takes away the sting.

Yet still I know I am not alone in this feeling. This is nothing new to the military life or the military spouse and this is nothing new to our Lord. "Here I am. I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." Revelation 3:20 
How many times and how long has God spent waiting for me-

waiting for me to seek Him,

              waiting for me to acknowledge Him,

                             waiting for me to do His work here on earth,

                                            waiting for me to thank Him and praise Him,

                                                          waiting for me to turn to Him for support, comfort and strength?

                                                                        Waiting on me.

How often have I left Him- just as the prodigal son did- to pursue my own paths, follow my own ideas? And how often have I come home- humbled, low and unworthy of His love and attention?



Lord,

Thank you for waiting for me, when so often I don't deserve the grace and patience that inspire it. Be with me as I wait and keep my head and heart busy with Your work while I do.

Overwhelmed but At Peace

I don't really want to write part of this post because I know my struggles are small compared to others, but at the same time, I did say this would be a place to find out what's going on with us and things for which you could pray.

This morning I was overwhelmed. I haven't felt great for the last few days. It's not anything serious, just enough to make you wish for quiet and rest. Of course, that hasn't happened. On top of that, I have guests coming over to our house on Thursday for a Bible study (at a time when cleaning has slipped far, far down on my To Do list), Naomi has a birthday in a week for which I need to begin to plan for her cupcakes, cake and have yet to make her BIG present, plus Naomi has not been sleeping well for several days leaving her ornery and unable to handle even the smallest things. While I anticipated all that, there is more. On our way home for church on Sunday, we were rear-ended. The girls and I appear to be fine but the bumper on the car is going to need to be repaired and I need to get an estimate for the gentleman who hit us. AND.... my limited part time job at the church (typically 3-4 hours a week) has required more time recently as the church is in the middle of a huge overhaul to their management system. I found out at noon today that they had a deadline for which they needed my research and input.

I had already scheduled out the planned events so that I would hopefully not get too stressed by them which meant I just needed to work in all the new issues as well.

Sitting here tonight, I am still feeling sick but I am less overwhelmed. Partially because I planned my work and have begun to work my plan, but even more so because of other events from today. First, I carved out several small periods of time when I could sit at the piano to play. Not only do I find playing piano very relaxing (despite my inadequacies) but I also chose to play some beloved hymns and as I played, the words ran through my mind, comforting and calming my soul. Also through our church family, I have received referrals for two different auto body shops and am working out details for help to and from the shop should they need to keep it (which I anticipate). Then, Naomi had THE BEST bedtime since Drew has left. I know that doesn't mean all future bedtimes will go so smoothly, but tonight was good and I'll take it. Last but most certainly not least, I set aside some time to read from God's Word and have begun to memorize a Bible verse- all thanks to my Bible study group.

Today was hard. There is much that needs to be done and only one me. Still I sit here tonight with a stack of work in front of me and I am at peace because:
we have a good, solid home that not only meets our needs but meets our wishes for comfort as well.
The accident, though a hassle, could have been far worse.
The car is still driving and we have Drew's car if and when mine is in the shop.
I have a job that works with the current demands of my life and allows me to have a little something that is separate from wife, mother and homemaker.
We have two beautiful, precious, loving children who, yes, are challenging and humbling but also bring great joy to our lives.
I am a part of a Church family, and a Bible study with a wonderful group of ladies, who support, encourage and stretch me.

And finally, I have a Heavenly Father who is faithful and will not forsake those who love Him and obey His commandments.