Hand Count

Some stories just need to be shared. Forgive me if it isn't done in the most eloquent of ways.
(Written a week ago Friday.)

After a busy morning and afternoon, I found myself in the kitchen finishing up the prep work for a side dish to take to a church event this evening and ready to focus on dressing the girls up as "princesses" for the same event- having just enough time to accomplish it all before we needed to be out the door. When all of a sudden I pressed my foot down and felt a sharp cutting pain in my left heel. I knew immediately what I'd done. Yesterday Noelle dropped a glass on the floor, shattering it. I'm certain I now had a sliver of the glass lodged in my heel. I sit down to look and realized it had gone completely into my foot. In the twenty minutes it would take me to loosen, wiggle and squeeze the sliver out of my heel, I sent Naomi on a few search and find missions (tweezers, ect.) and asked her to get herself dressed for the event. At the same time, I was hot from the rising humidity with no breeze or AC to cool the house, I had to shew Noelle out of my lap where she was determined to sit and I had to reassure Naomi that we would still be going to the church event.... we just may be late. All of this piling on when I'm already tired and exhausted and thinking just how nice it would be to have a second set of hands- preferably in the form of Drew.

By the time I removed the sliver, we were already late for the the church event, Noelle wasn't yet dressed and the house looked like a mini tornado had blown through. Not ideal, but it was time to focus on the needs and ignore the rest. We finally managed to get in the car and on our way.... thirty minutes late. So we get to the church building and I wondered just how much we've missed and if I would I be able to get something for the girls to eat without causing them to miss even more.

We walked in the doors and people were almost instantly there to help us. One lady came by and took my side dish, another directed us to the activity that was just finishing up, helping us to complete it so the girls didn't miss out. Then as we headed to the food line, I realized how daunting it may be. I had two little girls- one who's too excited to stay put and the other who was clinging to my side for dear life and neither who is big enough to carry a plate of food through the church building- plus myself to feed and only two hands. I figure Noelle and I could share a plate and I continued on. As I was setting Noelle down and asking her to hold Naomi's hand so we can go through the line, a lady from the church came up and offered to help fill our plates. She took Naomi and a plate and headed off, with Noelle and I just behind. We made our way through the line and were approaching the drink station where I once again did a hand count. Three plates, napkins, silverware, three drinks, two girls who needed corralling....  and only four hands to help. Somehow the math didn't seem to add up. I figured I can run back for additional drinks or again, we'd share, when a gentleman came up and offered to carry some drinks for us. I laughed to myself a bit as I saw the two girls walking with an "entourage" of adults behind- two additional sets of hands helping to get us settled only an hour after I was wishing for just one extra set to help me out.

As the girls and I sat down, I realized I no longer felt any of the frustration or stress from an hour ago. The consideration and helping hands of our Church family had caused them to be replaced with a sense of love, compassion and Heavenly providence. I have already seen how quickly our Church family has responded if I voiced a need and now I see people jumping in to help when they notice an unspoken need. I love my family and there will never be any to replace them, but I am ever so thankful for the Church and our Church family. We have seen their faithfulness and love in times past and we are experiencing it in its fullness once again.

One Month Down

One month has passed since Drew boarded a plane that took him away from family and home. One month down- eight plus months to go- and how are we doing? The straight forward, honest answer is that we are doing quite well.

We have worked through a few difficulties with Naomi and now her attitude and behavior are as good as we could ever hope for and not different in any material way from before Drew left. Noelle, who has always been fairly independent, needs more cuddles and close proximity to Mommy, but with the return of our regular schedule, she has otherwise settled back to her easy going, content self, playing and occupying herself quite easily for hours. I do find that both girls want to see Drew’s picture at least once a day and the viewing always includes a kiss or two. Since we have had the opportunity to Skype with Drew (about once every four or five days), there is a greater ease in both the girls.

Life for me seems to be much the same. There is more to handle and juggle, and it seems there is never enough time. However I am learning to cope and manage fairly well. Missing Drew never gets easier; in fact, it is getting worse with time. Yet I have a peace about it all. Most definitely, it is a peace that passes all understanding and I can only attribute it to God. There is no reason I should feel so at peace given Drew’s situation, and it seems from everyone’s comments and questions that they would agree with that statement. In fact because of that sense, I find myself questioning if there is something wrong with me, but I am not hiding from reality and I’m not avoiding the facts. I just know who is in control; I know who holds our lives in His hand and I know that He cares for us. That doesn’t mean we’ll be protected from harm but it does mean He’ll see us through whatever may come.

Eight months is still such a long time. All I want is to be wrapped in Drew’s arms, to have a true family dinner and not to go to bed alone. Some things won’t get easier and some things just can’t be “fixed.” Many tears have yet to be shed, but I know,

“The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

PRAISE GOD for His unceasing lovingkindness and providence and His concern for one as insignificant as I!

The Other Side of Renting

For the past year or so, I have cringed at the thought of how much we are spending on monthly rent. It provides us with a home, for which I’m forever grateful, but it seems like it would be more prudent to put those funds toward owning our own home. At least then, the money is towards an investment. We’ve never pursued that route, though, as we didn’t want to have to worry about selling the house when new PCS orders came through or turning the home into a rental property managed by someone else. So, we have continued to rent and this weekend, I couldn’t help but thank God that we do.

Friday night around 8:30, our doorbell rang. When I opened the door, a gentleman waited outside. He introduced himself as one of our neighbors and promptly asked me if I had seen the back yard. I must admit I was mystified. I had been outside but I hadn’t noticed anything. I said as much, so he explained that during a storm the other day, a tree in our backyard, which butts up to our mutual fence, split down the middle. One portion remained upright; the other half fell across not one, but two different fence lines- damaging slats, crossbars, and fence posts.

(our tree and the fence between our yard and our neighbor's)

(looking into our nieghbors yard and our tree on the fence between their yard and their neighbor's yard)

Our neighbor explained what he felt would be a fair arrangement for labor and parts needed to fix the fence lines. I told him I would pass the information on to the owners, along with contact information. And with that action, my portion of the whole event was complete. I can only imagine how different it would be if we owned the property and it was my responsibility to tend to the whole situation personally. I could do it, if it was needed, but I am thankful that it isn’t mine to handle. 

Waiting

Drew sent me an e-mail this morning (before he went to bed over there) and told me he would be on Skype from 8pm-9pm tonight, if we wanted to try to Skype. IF I wanted to try and Skype? Of course, I want to see and hear him, so as soon as I was able after 8pm, I signed on to Skype but Drew wasn't on.

So I waited......

                     and waited......

                                         and waited......

                                                             and waited......

And here it is after 9pm and I never did see or hear from Drew. I'm not hurt or upset because I know it's not because of Drew's wishes or wants but it happened because of his circumstances (whether work, sleep, internet or otherwise related). It's moments like these though that are so hard. The anticipation and excitement about seeing Drew and hearing his voice has gone unanswered and come up wanting and all the feelings I hold so closely to my heart have been freed to express the sorrow and longing that I carry each step of the day. Moments like this are going to be unavoidable and no amount of "preparation" takes away the sting.

Yet still I know I am not alone in this feeling. This is nothing new to the military life or the military spouse and this is nothing new to our Lord. "Here I am. I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." Revelation 3:20 
How many times and how long has God spent waiting for me-

waiting for me to seek Him,

              waiting for me to acknowledge Him,

                             waiting for me to do His work here on earth,

                                            waiting for me to thank Him and praise Him,

                                                          waiting for me to turn to Him for support, comfort and strength?

                                                                        Waiting on me.

How often have I left Him- just as the prodigal son did- to pursue my own paths, follow my own ideas? And how often have I come home- humbled, low and unworthy of His love and attention?



Lord,

Thank you for waiting for me, when so often I don't deserve the grace and patience that inspire it. Be with me as I wait and keep my head and heart busy with Your work while I do.

Overwhelmed but At Peace

I don't really want to write part of this post because I know my struggles are small compared to others, but at the same time, I did say this would be a place to find out what's going on with us and things for which you could pray.

This morning I was overwhelmed. I haven't felt great for the last few days. It's not anything serious, just enough to make you wish for quiet and rest. Of course, that hasn't happened. On top of that, I have guests coming over to our house on Thursday for a Bible study (at a time when cleaning has slipped far, far down on my To Do list), Naomi has a birthday in a week for which I need to begin to plan for her cupcakes, cake and have yet to make her BIG present, plus Naomi has not been sleeping well for several days leaving her ornery and unable to handle even the smallest things. While I anticipated all that, there is more. On our way home for church on Sunday, we were rear-ended. The girls and I appear to be fine but the bumper on the car is going to need to be repaired and I need to get an estimate for the gentleman who hit us. AND.... my limited part time job at the church (typically 3-4 hours a week) has required more time recently as the church is in the middle of a huge overhaul to their management system. I found out at noon today that they had a deadline for which they needed my research and input.

I had already scheduled out the planned events so that I would hopefully not get too stressed by them which meant I just needed to work in all the new issues as well.

Sitting here tonight, I am still feeling sick but I am less overwhelmed. Partially because I planned my work and have begun to work my plan, but even more so because of other events from today. First, I carved out several small periods of time when I could sit at the piano to play. Not only do I find playing piano very relaxing (despite my inadequacies) but I also chose to play some beloved hymns and as I played, the words ran through my mind, comforting and calming my soul. Also through our church family, I have received referrals for two different auto body shops and am working out details for help to and from the shop should they need to keep it (which I anticipate). Then, Naomi had THE BEST bedtime since Drew has left. I know that doesn't mean all future bedtimes will go so smoothly, but tonight was good and I'll take it. Last but most certainly not least, I set aside some time to read from God's Word and have begun to memorize a Bible verse- all thanks to my Bible study group.

Today was hard. There is much that needs to be done and only one me. Still I sit here tonight with a stack of work in front of me and I am at peace because:
we have a good, solid home that not only meets our needs but meets our wishes for comfort as well.
The accident, though a hassle, could have been far worse.
The car is still driving and we have Drew's car if and when mine is in the shop.
I have a job that works with the current demands of my life and allows me to have a little something that is separate from wife, mother and homemaker.
We have two beautiful, precious, loving children who, yes, are challenging and humbling but also bring great joy to our lives.
I am a part of a Church family, and a Bible study with a wonderful group of ladies, who support, encourage and stretch me.

And finally, I have a Heavenly Father who is faithful and will not forsake those who love Him and obey His commandments.

A Choice Well-Made

I sat down to write a letter to Drew a couple nights back and was transported back to nine years ago when a notepad and pen were our only form of communication.

Drew and I had known each other for a year. We had carried on a long distance relationship over the course of the previous school year. I had just graduated from Johnson and Drew was off at Basic Training after deciding to take a commission with the US Army and serve in the National Guard in the meantime.

A few months before when Drew first made that decision, he wrote me and asked me to consider if I wanted a life in the Army or not. Drew knew the Army was the choice for him, but he wanted to give me the chance to say "No thanks" before things got any more serious between us.

I remember thinking about it. I remember knowing that I loved Drew but feared an Army life. In fact if there is one thing I had always known about the man I would one day marry, it was the fact that I didn't want him to be a "man in uniform" (be it police, fireman, or military). Specifically regarding Army life, I didn't want to move that much. I didn't want to live so far from my family. I never felt like I made friends easily or quickly. I feared deployments and the inherent dangers of the job. In the end though, I loved Drew and that was more compelling than my fears. So I said I was in.

The years have sped by and now we find ourselves in the midst of those fears, and you know what, I'm so thankful I made the choice I did. Those fears are as real and as daunting as I ever imagined and there are so many aspects of Army life that I never even really considered. Some days all of that can seem overwhelming, but in the end, Drew is more than worth it.

A Note and Prayer for Naomi

I held Naomi in my arms tonight as she cried and clung to me while struggling with sadness and longing for her Daddy. Through her tears, she told me, "I just want Daddy. I want Daddy here with us. I wish Daddy had a normal job where he worked in town and came home every night."



Oh my dear precious little girl,

I wish the same thing and it is hard to carry on at times knowing that it isn't that way. Yet we know that your Daddy loves us very much, that he is missing us as much as we miss him, that he is gone in the hopes of helping and protecting others, and that even if your earthly Daddy is not near, our Heavenly Daddy is always near.

When the day is hard and the missing is too great, please run to me. My arms are always open and my shoulder is always ready for your sweet little head. No household task or errand is more important than you.

When you don't understand, talk with me. I may not always have the answer but I will listen.

When your excitement overflows, sing and dance with me. Even when Daddy is away, he would still want us to celebrate and enjoy each day, for we know that "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24)

No matter what you are feeling, thinking or experiencing, I pray that you will be able to come to me. We can handle things better together and if we then turn to the Lord, there will be nothing we cannot weather.


For in the end sweet child, you belong to the Creator of this world. Your Daddy and I have been entrusted with your care for just a short while, but you are and always will be His. God's love for you is beyond our understanding and He knows your heart better than any other. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16) He knew this time, these trials and this sadness would come into our lives before either of us was born and He and He alone can see us through.

I love you, my sweet, sensitive, determined, energetic little Naomi Grace. Your Daddy loves you and even greater still, your Heavenly Father loves you.

Many hugs and just as many kisses- Mommy


Lord,

You are the Father of the fatherless. You are the Architect and Creator of this world. You designed and formed all that is in this world and we know that Naomi is Your precious child. 

Watch over our little girl this night. Bring her peace and comfort despite all the sorrow and longing she feels. Guide her thoughts, words, hands and feet in the days ahead and hold her close when her Daddy seems so far away.  

One Thought

I have several things I should still complete before going to bed tonight,
but I had to take a little time to stop and share.

Today has been a GOOD day. 

Thank you, Lord, for Your mercies are new every morning and today I have seen that ever so evidently. May I never forget what brought me to this point- not my own power, wisdom or strength, but my weakness exposed and laid at Your feet.

Heart-wrenching and Heart-warming

There are some memories I don't want to forget. This morning was one of them. 

Before Drew left, he gave me a locket. It's a beautiful, antique piece

 in which I have placed pictures of him- so that he will always be near. 

I showed both of the girls what was inside and while Naomi has asked me once or twice if she could see inside- likely more out of curiosity than need- Noelle seemed to have forgotten. This morning we were in Naomi's room. We had just changed the sheets on her bed. I sat down at the foot of the bed and Noelle was pretending to go "ni-night" with Naomi's bears. Suddenly, she crawls down to me and starts repeatedly saying, "Daddy," finally pointing at the locket. I asked if she wanted to see Daddy's pictures, to which she nodded yes. So I opened the locket for both girls as Naomi came over to join us. Noelle squealed with delight when she saw Drew. I asked her if she wanted to give Daddy a kiss and the next thing I know, the girls are passing the locket back and forth between them, taking turns giving Daddy kisses. Their joy in showering their Daddy with kisses was undeniable and the moment was precious.

Later in the day we would be standing at the fabric counter of Hobby Lobby where I was having some fabric and trim measured and cut. Noelle would ask me again to look in the locket. When it became obvious she wanted him close and I needed more freedom of motion than the chain would allow, I pulled out a laminated picture of Drew and Noelle together and handed it to her. Again her excitement was almost palpable and within moments, she was excitedly holding out the picture to the lady at the counter, exclaiming, "Daddy," over and over again. She wanted everyone to know and see her Daddy.

The reason for these moments is heart-wrenching, but the love and joy found in these moments is heart-warming as well.

How are you doing? Part II

Well, I guess it shouldn't be a big surprise that once again the most commonly asked question is, "How are you doing?"

So far my answer has remained constant- We're okay. And honestly without going into lots of detail, that's pretty accurate. The days have been a mix of good and bad, but not really anything out of the ordinary for our family. The last several days have been just like the first 4 or 5 days of any one of Drew's many military travels. So far, nothing seems all that different from those previous separations. All considering, that doesn't seem like a big surprise. The biggest difference we will face this time will be his location and the length of time. As far as his location, right now it doesn't apply and for the most part, I have a great sense of peace about his safety. (We'll see how that holds up if something big happens in his general vicinity.) The length of time, while something I can grasp, has no real effect on us yet. Right now, nothing is new.

But that will change. Typically Naomi feels the need to challenge everything shortly after Drew leaves. She just wants to see if his absence will mean any type of change in rules and discipline. (Will I get lax?) And usually by about the tenth to fourteenth day, I am 100% worn down and frazzled from this process. I'm tired of the constant battle, arguments, bad attitudes, fits, ect. and I crave a day when I don't feel like correction and discipline is the main form of interaction I have with her. In every past case, I have found comfort in the fact that Drew would be home in XX number of days and usually that we were at least half way through the separation. Somehow I don't think the length of time until Drew returns will be comforting this time around.

We will also get our first taste of another difference later this month. Naomi's birthday is in three weeks and for the first time, Drew will be gone for a major family or national holiday (excepting our anniversary). It will be the first time, Naomi feels the loss of her Daddy for an event of great import to her. We've never faced that before and I feel pretty certain, things will feel a little more real that week.

But in the meantime, we press on- through the good and the bad, and I find that more often than not I end the day singing or humming to myself. (Mom, the last few days it has been "His Eye is on the Sparrow." Thanks for sending me the lyrics earlier. )

For now, please pray for Naomi and I. She is doing what she has in the past and we are having lots of clashes because she will get upset or get an ugly attitude whenever she doesn't get something when she says, how she says, where she says. Bedtime in particular has always been extremely challenging when she is like this. She may become argumentative, sneaky, defiant or mad. It may happen in the moments leading up to bedtime or it may happen after I've tucked her in, and whenever it happens, it is always big, ugly and drawn out. In the end, I usually walk away mentally, emotionally and often, physically exhausted. So if you'd remember us in the 7-8 pm (mountain time) time frame, I would appreciate it.



Lord,

Thank you for this precious little girl you have entrusted to Drew and I. She is a challenge, she is humbling and she is a joy. Help me to never abdicate my role but guide me to handle that authority and position in the way You know is best. Give me the understanding and patience to approach her in ways that encourage and exemplify good actions and attitudes and grant me the strength and stamina to stand strong as she tests and challenges the new situation we find ourselves in.