Nothing is Impossible

I have come to love my thirty minute drives to and from church. So often, particularly when I am alone, I find myself mulling over a verse I read earlier or I will spend the time in prayer. I don’t manage to solve the world’s problems, but along the way, God helps me to find understanding and peace regarding my place, my job in the midst of “the world’s problems.” Yesterday was one such day.

Yesterday I felt compelled to pray. My mind was heavy with the many requests I knew of- individuals struggling with persistent health issues, new and unexpected stages of life, surgeries, despair, addiction, lack of faith and more. My heart ached as I considered all the ways sin and its stain was affecting the lives of those near and dear to me. As I prayed, I noticed a theme. I would find myself uncertain of even what to ask for because every possibility I considered seemed impossible…..  but that’s the beauty of prayer. When things appear impossible to us, we can take our concerns and troubles, worries and doubts to the One for whom nothing- absolutely NOTHING- is impossible.

Nothing is impossible for the One who created the heavens and the earth.
Nothing is impossible for the One who made the sun stand still.
Nothing is impossible for the One who preserved- without singe or smell- Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fiery furnace.
Nothing is impossible for the One who knew the Samaritan Woman’s whole life story.
And absolutely nothing is impossible for the One who conquered death.

Gabriel, the archangel, declared this very thing to Mary when she questioned how she, a virgin, could give birth to a son. (Luke 1:37) And in Matthew 19, Jesus himself stated, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (verse 26)

I don’t know all that weighs on your heart and mind today. I don’t know what you are personally going through or what those you love may be going through, but I do know the One who is able.

I know the One who has brought peace and joy in the midst of pain and loss.
I know the One who has healed what seemed untreatable.
I know the One who holds the answer when medical personnel run out of options.
I know the One who claims victory over every addiction and every sin that bind us.
I know the One who loved us and sacrificed everything for us, even those who still deny Him.

And because I know the One who is able, I know He can do the impossible in your life today. “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” (1 John 5:14) I cannot promise it will always be the answer we are looking for, but it will always be for our eternal good. If we can humble ourselves and acknowledge as Job did, “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2)

Through You
Blind eyes are opened
Strongholds are broken
I am living by faith
Nothing is impossible!

(Nothing is Impossible- Planetshakers)

A New Response

For the past few weeks, someone who had once been a very good friend to both Drew and I has been posting numerous comments, memes, etc. on Facebook that attacked the idea of God. I knew this had been their position for several years now and I have been saddened by their choice. However I have always acknowledged that it is their choice.... their God-given choice.... and accepted that I was not currently in a position to have much influence in their life. But these latest posts have sat with me differently. I don't know if something has changed- if the posts are more caustic or angry- or if it is just a change in my perception, but while I still grieved for this friend's current position and whatever events have led them to a position that appears to be filled with anger, hatred and pain, I also felt a need to address it somehow. Yet the reality is our situation hadn't changed. It had been years since we had the chance to spend time together and it had even been several years since we had a meaningful conversation. How could I hope to reach them when I only know what I see shared on social media? And so I prayed. I prayed for them. I prayed those who might influence them and I prayed for an answer as to what my role might be.

The comments continued and I found myself praying more and more for this individual who I once called friend. But as the comments continued, I found that I was carrying around more and more sorrow for them and it was beginning to consume me and weigh me down. I toyed with the idea of asking Facebook to show me fewer of their comments just to give myself a bit of a break- a respite- but I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right and I didn't want to limit my world to only those who agree with me or cause me no sadness or sorrow. But I needed to find some way to handle all the emotions that were beginning to overwhelm me, so I went to Drew for advice.

When Drew heard my story, he keyed in on the times I had prayed and advised me to focus on that. Drew suggested that each time I saw a post from this individual, I should use it as a reminder to pray for them and then do just that. I loved the idea. I may not feel I'm in a good position to speak verbally into their life at this point, but I can certainly take their needs- known or unknown to me- and place them in the hands of God. And so I went forward feeling equipped for what may come.

The next day, I ran across another post from this person but this time they was specifically attacking Christian parents- and it immediately felt far more personal. They may not have intentionally thought of Drew and I, but in the end, their words referred to us as well. These words were not just unkind or condemning; they were slanderous. They implied that the very fact that we would choose to teach our children about God made us child abusers in their eyes. I was devastated.

I knew I should pray but the sadness and hurt clouded my thoughts, and I struggled to put any words together. How should I pray for someone who held such a terrible view of me? What should I even pray for? I didn't want the prayer to be about me- that wasn't the purpose- but I was struggling to separate out my own feelings in the moment.

But then- as I took a little time just to try to collect myself and my thoughts, something occurred to me. This wasn't a coincidence. Less than 24 hours ago, I had committed myself to pray for this individual on what I believed would be a fairly regular basis, and suddenly I am confronted with a post that cut me deeper and more personally than anything before. And I found myself wondering if Satan wasn't intentionally trying to keep me from praying for this person. It certainly felt that way. And at that moment, I knew there was only one thing I could and should do. So I prayed and when I struggled with the words, God provided.

Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about the event and the lesson that is so clearly within. I haven't patted myself on the back (or shared this now in hopes of the same) because in reality this should have been my response all along. What was Jesus' response when people insulted Him?

 "Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.” The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” There was a written notice above him, which read: this is the king of the Jews. One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!” But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23: 34-43

Jesus prayed for those who beat him, mocked him, sneered at him and wrongly accused him. If his actions were not enough, he also taught us, saying:

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." Matthew 5: 38-42

and later in the same chapter:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:43-45

How do I- how do you- respond when we are insulted or maligned because of our faith?
How often do we allow our first emotions of hurt, anger, sadness to come between us and the chance to reflect God's pure, unadulterated love?
How many times have our emotions and our personal hurt or irritation caused us to view the other party through our own eyes instead of the eyes of their loving Creator?
How often have we responded in a way that suits our wishes but not the will of God?

The reality is that what I shared above was truly minor. It wasn't even directly aimed at Drew or I, but even so, it took a clear reminder from God to help me do what I should have done from the start. If I want to "be prepared in season and out of season"  (2 Timothy 4:2a), I need to start with the little things that are in front of me now.

My Untold Story

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present 

nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

April 1, 2018

Saved from Myself
Oh the work that was accomplished on this weekend so many years ago! This weekend my soul rejoices because I have seen personally how Jesus' death, burial and triumph over the grave can change your life. This weekend, I remember how Jesus' sacrifice, love and forgiveness saved me from myself.

I feel compelled to share this piece of my story but at the same time, I am extremely nervous. This particular time in my life that I want to share was definitely the darkest, lowest, ugliest time I can recall and the thought of exposing it to whomever chooses to read this is a bit daunting. Despite the fact that this was something I struggled with for nearly two years, only a select few even know it existed. Shame, fear, sadness and reproach still cloud my thoughts when I think back to this particular time. Yet I know that God has redeemed this part of my story as well and I trust He will continue as He has done all along. So here goes.........

Back when I was in high school, I went through a time of great self-reproach and disgust. For those on the outside looking in, there would have been nothing to hint that this was going on. I appeared to have things well in hand. I was doing well in school, had several good friends, was involved in numerous extra curricular clubs and activities, and generally excelled at whatever I put my mind to do. However I had been fed a load of lies- a running monologue of all the ways what I was doing wasn't enough and would never be. No person spoke these things to me so I can only assume it was the work of the devil, eager to destroy me with these lies..... and you know what, they nearly did.

I looked at myself and saw nothing but disappointment and failure. Nothing I did was good enough. I lacked self-control and was too selfish, prideful and judgmental. I couldn't see anything of value in myself and did not see any reason people should love or care for me. I had nothing to offer. These things may not seem that terrible to some, but the thoughts were so pervasive and constant I couldn't see a way out and I honestly struggled with the question of whether it wouldn't be better if I just ended things. For nearly two years, I struggled with thoughts of suicide. I made a plan, had access to every thing I needed, and even decided on the best time to act to ensure effectiveness. I remember laying in my bed debating the idea time and again. Do I? Could I? Why shouldn't I?

All that stayed my hand was the love of my Savior. Whenever I seemed to come close to acting on these thoughts, He was there reminding me that He loved me- even at my ugliest. He showed me that I was worth fighting for- even when I couldn't see anything worth saving. From one time to the next, the method He used changed- a friend, a Bible verse, a song- but each time He was there reminding me that I was His precious child, worth everything to Him- even the sacrifice of His own son.

I cannot tell you when things changed because it's too hard to pinpoint one event or moment. It just didn't happen like that, but the more I listened to what God was telling me, the less I heard the lies. And the less I heard the lies, the more I understood the beauty of the cross and the grace and love that are found there. I am here today because God loved me too much to leave me how and where I was. Thank you Lord for your amazing love and grace!

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

This is my story.

This is my song.

I'll praise my Savior all day, every day, long!

With Gratitude

"God will make a way where there seems to be no way. 

He works in ways we cannot see. 

He will make a way for me. 

He will be my guide, hold me closely to his side. 

With love and strength for each new day, 

He will make a way. He will make a way."

If there is one thing I have learned over the last 10 months it is that God will make a way where there seems to be no way. You see some things remained the same between our last deployment and the latest, but as often happens in life, other things had changed. And what had changed was not little. During our first deployment, we became very close with a couple from our church, and they became my go-to whenever I needed help- whether with child care or car troubles, lawn issues or loneliness. But in the 20 months between the 2014 deployment and the 2016 leave date, life had happened and this dear couple's circumstances and schedule had changed in such a way that I knew things couldn't work as they had before. How would I manage? The hole left was no small hole, and we fully expected Drew's absence would be even longer this time. But in what should have been a void, God stepped in and provided in absolutely incredible ways!

In those early weeks of the deployment, I had numerous appointments I had to keep where I could not have the girls with me. I counted and in less than 4 weeks, 10 different ladies offered to watch one or both of the girls free of charge. A couple even changed their schedules to work around my appointments and one, when I had to change an appointment when one of the girls took ill, asked me immediately when my rescheduled time was so she could be free to help.

Then in the month of January, we had a couple of incidences where I thought I might need to take one of the girls to a late night walk-in clinic or ER right at bedtime. Noelle cut her thumb on a large piece of glass just before bed and another time I watched as a fever, with medicine, continued to climb all day to 104 degrees Fahrenheit and began making plans should the temperature go up even higher. The problem was I had no plan as to who I would or could call late at night in the case of the emergency. I was fairly certain that there were several I could have called and they would have done whatever was necessary to help me, but I hated the thought of surprising someone with an emergency HELP ME call without discussing it with them first. (The planner in me doesn't like to inconvenience anyone.) After the second incident, I mentioned this source of stress during prayer time with my ladies' Bible study group and before I even finished my request, the ladies were passing around a slip of paper so I had names and numbers that I could call any time day or night. Even now I'm in tears as I recall this because, although another situation never arose and I never needed to call one of those ladies on that list, that slip of paper would hang on our refrigerator the remainder of the deployment and I never once looked at it without being reminded of the love and care of so many incredible women and the love and providence of God.

I can never say thank you enough to any of the ladies above, whether they watched the girls for me while I went to an appointment or a meeting or whether they eased my mind by offering to be on call. Both provided comfort and both were a reminder that I am not alone. Amazingly enough, those stories are just a drop in the bucket.

I am also so thankful for.......

My go-to gals who always had time for a phone call or a messenger chat, who patiently listened to my rambling stories and my craziness and helped me sort through the muddle of emotions and challenges.- Thank you for being a safe place to land and an honest but calming and wise voice.

My grandma who wrote daily devotionals and shared them with both Drew and I- Thank you for the time you put into it, the sound teaching found throughout them and the additional layer of connection you helped to create between Drew and I while we were separated.

The ladies- you know who you are- who were my go-to babysitters- Thank you for your willingness, your generosity and the love you brought to each visit. Thank you for making it possible for me to not only handle personal matters but also serve in ways outside of our home.

The ladies who took the girls out just so I could have a little time alone- Thank you for that precious commodity and thank you for the attention and love you showered on our girls.

To those who offered to help with the girls, whether you ever did or not, thank you for coming along side of us.

To those who stopped what they were doing to listen to my honest answer to the question, "How are you doing?", thank you for taking the time and caring.

To those who always had time to listen to the girls and get a hug (or two) whenever we stopped by the office, thank you for loving our girls so completely.

To those who listened to the latest parenting challenges I faced and offered encouragement and support as I tried to find a way to be both mom and dad to our girls, thank you for the grace you offered me and the guidance you shared.

To those who asked me how Drew was doing, even when I didn't have much new to report, thank you for remembering he remained very much a part of our thoughts and lives despite the distance.

To those who wrote me notes and sent me cards, thank you for remembering us and brightening my day.

To those who heard we were going through a deployment and left me poems, books and other materials, thank you for taking time after the fact to remember me and encourage us along the way.

To those who sent care packages to the girls and I, thank you for the reminder that our we are loved by so many, near and far away.

And to the many, many who hugged us and held us close, thank you for being there at just the right time.


Each and every one of you was a beautiful reminder that as a part of the body of Christ, we are never alone, and with each word and deed God silently whispered to me, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.." (Isaiah 41:10)

Teaching Me To Trust

After a long few weeks, I woke this morning and felt as though the very fibers of my being were strained to the point of breaking and my nerves were frazzled beyond repair. Stress, some unavoidable and some self-inflicted, was tearing at me and weighing me down. For days now, I have found myself thinking, “I can’t do this any longer.” As close as we may be, what remains is still far too much and the pressure of it all- the deployment, the parenting, the move, the unknowns and the waiting- were taking their toll.

My patience had reached a low point; my need for order, control and timeliness were screaming for attention and the girls were swept along in the wake. I know I was barely holding things together as we entered the church building this morning and while I know we stopped to speak to a few people before we headed in to service, sadly most of it is lost on me now just hours later.

As the service began, I held the girls close, hoping to bridge any rifts my distress might have created and I felt the tears brimming at the surface. As I tried to sing, my throat began to burn and words were hard to come by. And then, as He so often does, He reminded me ever so clearly that He knows what I face, He knows my struggles and He knows my sorrow. He can turn my tears into something beautiful and He is working even as I wait.

“There is strength within the sorrow

There is beauty in our tears

And You meet us in our mourning

With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You’re sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding

You’re teaching us to trust”

Lord,

You are faithful. You are forever and You are sovereign. I know this but I have to admit I don't always live this. Forgive me and help me to fight the lies of fear and stress with what I know to be true of You. Thank you for remaining true even when I falter and need reminding- time and again.

You are perfect in love. Lord I am so grateful for this, for I surely don't deserve it. As I sit here tonight, I look back and see how imperfect my love can be- for You, for our girls and for all You have created. Help me see those areas where my love should be more like Yours and give me the strength to pursue it, regardless of  all else.

Teach me to trust Lord- at all times, in all things, when I wake and when I lay down, when the plan seems clear before me and in the unknown and the waiting.

Separation

This separation from Drew is painful and no amount of time lessens the ache. It can still hit me like a freight train at just a moments' notice, and despite all that I say and do to help the girls with their own loss and pain, there are times when I cannot seem to take my own advice. That is where I found myself last night. For 161 days, we have relied on texts, emails, packages and video chats to help stay connected. And while I am grateful that we live in a time and place where this is even possible, I also have moments when I admit that video chatting isn't enough because all I really want, all the girls want, is Drew and nothing really makes up for that. In acknowledging that truth, my heart broke and  I wept for the time we've already been apart and the time still to go.

This morning as church service began, I found that all of those emotions were still simmering just below the surface. Still I fought to focus on the words and praise found within the songs and was so grateful for their message. The last song we sang was "What a Beautiful Name" by Hillsong.

Take a couple of minutes and listen to the whole song, if you aren't familiar with it. The message of the song is beautiful and such a wonderful reminder, but today I only saw one thing..... the phrase "My sin was great, Your love was greater; What could separate us now." Separate- a word that cut me to the heart and caused the tears to flow deeply and freely. And while the tears were tears of sadness at the separation I am enduring right now, they were also tears of joy. This separation from Drew leaves me with an almost tangible feeling of being ripped in half. It hurts and I carry that hurt with me every moment of each day. Yet still as much as Drew is my other half, a very real part of my very being now- Christ is more. The thought of being separated from Him is distressing, but the knowledge that nothing- absolutely NOTHING- can separate us now is an amazingly beautiful thing!

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39

For one who believes in Jesus and acknowledges his authority and lordship, these promises offer hope, comfort and strength. They keep me singing in the midst of my tears and keep me joyful in the midst of sorrow and separation.

Heavenly Father- 
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 
Thank you for concerning yourself with one such as me and never leaving me.
May I be more aware of your presence and may I seek to find you in each moment of every day.

Overcome

I just finished a bit of cardio and leg exercises, and despite following a routine similar to what I have completed in the past, I found that about a quarter of the way through I felt like I was at my quitting point. My thighs were burning. My heart racing. My lungs and throat felt like they were on fire, and I had a lovely headache building. (I'll be honest. The headache was the tipping point.) I didn't see how I would make it through and felt I might have to quit before reaching the end. The fight to persevere took hold though, and as I neared the midway point of my workout I didn't feel any changes physically, but mentally I committed to the idea of finishing. And as I did, a connection between my physical endeavor and my personal journey came to light.

So often with hardships, the start is daunting and the struggle can seem overwhelming and beyond painful. Yet as you approach the mid-point, the finish line becomes visible in the distance and with it, the will to continue. That is where I found myself in the middle of my workout. And as I pressed on, the end became all the clearer and with it, my determination rose. By the end, I was glad  I had persevered despite the struggles along the way and I knew I would be stronger because of it.

How true this is with the hardships we face in life! Even truer, if we are willing to lay those hardships at the feet of a loving and compassionate God. The road we travel will still be filled with times of pain and struggle, and there may very well be times when we feel that our only option is to give up. Yet if we commit and continue on the path laid before us while resting in the hands of our Heavenly Father, we will look back and acknowledging the pain and hardship, we can still be thankful for the journey and know we are stronger for it.

For me, the current hardship I am facing is deployment and all that goes with that- separation from my husband, best friend and confidant; the responsibility for our home, finances and all related decisions; bearing the weight of both mother and father for our girls and trying to fill in those gaps created by Drew's absence all while taking on the full care and parenting of our two girls, two girls who are facing their own struggles with the absence of their father.

For others, the hardship may be a body that is failing, a recent life-changing diagnosis or the on-going battle with a degenerative disease. The hardship may be financial troubles, the death of a loved one or a strained/broken relationship. For others it may be uncertainty about your future or the loss of a long-held dream. Whatever you face, the hardship is real. The pain is palpable and ever-present, and the end seems impossible.

Yet no matter what hardship you find yourself in or how long the road may be, do not be dismayed for with God you can be an overcomer.

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Lord- 

You are a loving and compassionate Father, who cares about the lives of his earthly children. Thank you for the grace and peace you offer to all and the strength and endurance you provide to those who turn to you.

Thank you for those you have placed in our lives- the men and women who love on our girls and support us during our time of separation and loneliness. Thank you for never leaving us.

I know many who are facing mighty hardships in this world and for some right now, their road seems unending and unbearable. I pray for them now- as I have in the past. I pray that through you they will find the strength they need for this day and I ask that you would grant them peace in the midst of their turmoil. Lord, surround them with others who can encourage and uplift them and help us all to have open eyes to see those near us who are hurting and in need of a comforting and guiding touch.

And in this moment, may we reflect your light upon this world as we overcome what holds us down.