Two Roads

For the last month or so, Drew and I have been standing at an intersection point in our lives. Two paths lay before us, and we were going to have to decide which one to take. As I looked at the two options, the decision seemed impossible. Both paths would come with benefits as well as concerns/disadvantages, and I truly could not see anywhere where the balances really tipped in favor of one or the other. One day I would lean towards the one path, and the next I was leaning in the other direction. There was good in both; there was uncertainty in both. There were things I looked forward to in both; there were things I feared in both.

Throughout all of our decision-making process, we have been praying that God would lead us onto the path that was best for us- both individually and as a family. Drew and I desire above all else to serve the Lord and walk in His will, and so we asked Him to show us what that was in this situation. As time went on though, I had to admit that one direction was definitely the desire of my heart, and I very much wanted to see God moving us in that direction. So I prayed just for that. I told God how much I liked the idea of the one path and asked him to open a door- clear the path even just a little bit- in that direction if it was in His will and would be good for us.

I prayed and I watched. I looked for anything that might appear to be an open door or even a cracked window. And out of the blue, an opening appeared…. but not in the direction I wanted. The opening wasn’t a definite though- just a bit of a clearing- and so I prayed again. I acknowledged the opening that had appeared and expressed my confusion and prayed that God would just make things a bit clearer. All the while, I laid the wishes of my heart at his feet and asked Him to direct us.

A week ago, the time came when the decision had to be made. Drew received two pieces of news; one didn’t move us much to the left or the right, but the other confirmed that although the opening wasn’t definite- it was highly likely. The path that I liked less was being opened to us more and more. Meanwhile none of my research- of which I did a great deal- had cleared the way at all on the path I longed for.  I wish I could say that I recognized right then and there that God was showing us what to do and that I made the decision myself to follow along that path…. But I couldn’t. There hadn’t been any flashing signs pointing us in one direction or the other- only gentle nudges- so maybe, just maybe, God hadn’t given us a final answer yet.

Drew and I talked that night after which he told me the direction he thought we should go. It wasn’t the choice my heart wanted, but deep down, I knew it was the choice we were being called to make. And in that moment, I had to admit to myself that perhaps God’s answer to my prayers had been a “no.” It hurts to admit that because I wanted the one path so very much, but I have also seen God work in mighty, incredible ways after gently and lovingly telling me “no.” The path has rarely been easy and has often been downright painful, but looking back at those times, I am so grateful God didn’t give me what I wanted. Instead He said “no” and gave me exactly what I needed.

And so we have taken our first steps down the one path- moving forward in confidence that the Lord has directed our steps and will see us through because we have seen what the psalmists knew when they wrote, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.” Psalm 37:5 and “those who know your name, put their trust in you, for you O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10

It’s only been a week since the decision was made, and I find myself mourning the path we will not take- needing time to say “goodbye” to the dream, so I can move forward without regret or doubt. I am vulnerable in that way, and the adversary is certainly trying to take advantage of that. Already I can see doubt and fear trying to undermine that confidence. In just the last few days, I have had three separate occasions where I have been forced to face the hardships we will likely endure on our intended path. The fears, the frustrations that made this path less appealing are staring me in the face, prodding me to turn back, but there is no turning back. Circumstances won’t allow it, and deep down, I know the only way through this life- no matter what path we had chosen- is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, for He is my savior and deliverer, and He has promised, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

So as I take the next step down the path set before us, I think back to the Robert Frost quote above and remember that the diverging paths set before me wasn’t actually about the decision we made. No in reality, it is something far greater: To follow Christ in all things or to go my own way. And I trust that because of His leading-- the hard road, the dirtier road- the road less traveled- is the road that will lead us to our greatest joy and peace.

 “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

A New Life

Last Sunday our oldest confessed Jesus as her Lord and Savior and was baptized.

I just have to pause here for a moment. Praise the Lord! There is nothing better- nothing has brought us more joy than watching as she has grown in her faith and taken this step in her walk with God. Happy, happy day and we know that the angels are rejoicing with us!

While our church family saw the baptism for themselves, I had a glimpse of what was going on behind the scenes as Naomi prepared for the baptism. She may have been excited about being baptized, but she was also nervous about being in front of and speaking before a large group of people. This is not the first time we have seen this with her so we had made plans for just such a situation.

Drew walked her through the whole process and then eased her fears with humor. When her nerves cropped up again, we encouraged her to focus on Drew- to look at him and speak as though he was the only one in the room. And in the moment when Naomi needed to repeat her confession of faith, Drew bent down so they could be at eye level with each other.

She did wonderful when the time came and I know part of that came from the calm, strength and encouragement of her father. And as I watched the relationship between Drew and Naomi, I saw a glimpse of the relationship we each can have with God if we will only look to and keep our eyes on Him.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, 

“I will rescue him; I will protect him, 

for he acknowledges my name. 

He will call on me, and I will answer him; 

I will be with him in trouble, 

I will deliver him and honor him. 

With long life I will satisfy him 

and show him my salvation.” 

Psalm 91:14-16

A relationship where we are:

    Met where we are- on our level.

Offered hope, encouragement, strength and guidance.

Experience mutual love and perfect joy.

All resulting in absolute trust and unparalleled peace.

Lord,
We have prayed and prayed for this young girl and her relationship with you, and now as we celebrate this decision she has made, I will pray again- for we know this is not the end but the beginning of a whole new story..... the story of her new life with You. 

I thank you Lord for her decision. I thank you for her keen mind and tender heart which recognized the problem and sought answers. I thank you for all of those who have spoke into her life and taught her through word and example more about You, Your love and a life lived for You. 

Now Lord I pray for her as she starts her new life in You. I pray for her to remain rooted in You, always- ALWAYS- keeping her eyes focused on You, knowing that You are where her identity, strength, comfort and peace will be found. I pray that as she has found that in Drew, she will come to know and trust the same in regards to You. 

I pray that You will give us wisdom as we help her to grow more in her faith and her relationship with You, and that no matter where we may call home, You will help place others- adults and friends- who help her along that path as well.

Protect her tender heart for it is the source of her compassion. Guide her in the ways to use her strength of will so that it helps her to stand confidently in You.

Thank you Lord for loving her and pursuing her. Thank you Lord for giving her to us.

Nothing is Impossible

I have come to love my thirty minute drives to and from church. So often, particularly when I am alone, I find myself mulling over a verse I read earlier or I will spend the time in prayer. I don’t manage to solve the world’s problems, but along the way, God helps me to find understanding and peace regarding my place, my job in the midst of “the world’s problems.” Yesterday was one such day.

Yesterday I felt compelled to pray. My mind was heavy with the many requests I knew of- individuals struggling with persistent health issues, new and unexpected stages of life, surgeries, despair, addiction, lack of faith and more. My heart ached as I considered all the ways sin and its stain was affecting the lives of those near and dear to me. As I prayed, I noticed a theme. I would find myself uncertain of even what to ask for because every possibility I considered seemed impossible…..  but that’s the beauty of prayer. When things appear impossible to us, we can take our concerns and troubles, worries and doubts to the One for whom nothing- absolutely NOTHING- is impossible.

Nothing is impossible for the One who created the heavens and the earth.
Nothing is impossible for the One who made the sun stand still.
Nothing is impossible for the One who preserved- without singe or smell- Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fiery furnace.
Nothing is impossible for the One who knew the Samaritan Woman’s whole life story.
And absolutely nothing is impossible for the One who conquered death.

Gabriel, the archangel, declared this very thing to Mary when she questioned how she, a virgin, could give birth to a son. (Luke 1:37) And in Matthew 19, Jesus himself stated, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (verse 26)

I don’t know all that weighs on your heart and mind today. I don’t know what you are personally going through or what those you love may be going through, but I do know the One who is able.

I know the One who has brought peace and joy in the midst of pain and loss.
I know the One who has healed what seemed untreatable.
I know the One who holds the answer when medical personnel run out of options.
I know the One who claims victory over every addiction and every sin that bind us.
I know the One who loved us and sacrificed everything for us, even those who still deny Him.

And because I know the One who is able, I know He can do the impossible in your life today. “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” (1 John 5:14) I cannot promise it will always be the answer we are looking for, but it will always be for our eternal good. If we can humble ourselves and acknowledge as Job did, “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2)

Through You
Blind eyes are opened
Strongholds are broken
I am living by faith
Nothing is impossible!

(Nothing is Impossible- Planetshakers)

A New Response

For the past few weeks, someone who had once been a very good friend to both Drew and I has been posting numerous comments, memes, etc. on Facebook that attacked the idea of God. I knew this had been their position for several years now and I have been saddened by their choice. However I have always acknowledged that it is their choice.... their God-given choice.... and accepted that I was not currently in a position to have much influence in their life. But these latest posts have sat with me differently. I don't know if something has changed- if the posts are more caustic or angry- or if it is just a change in my perception, but while I still grieved for this friend's current position and whatever events have led them to a position that appears to be filled with anger, hatred and pain, I also felt a need to address it somehow. Yet the reality is our situation hadn't changed. It had been years since we had the chance to spend time together and it had even been several years since we had a meaningful conversation. How could I hope to reach them when I only know what I see shared on social media? And so I prayed. I prayed for them. I prayed those who might influence them and I prayed for an answer as to what my role might be.

The comments continued and I found myself praying more and more for this individual who I once called friend. But as the comments continued, I found that I was carrying around more and more sorrow for them and it was beginning to consume me and weigh me down. I toyed with the idea of asking Facebook to show me fewer of their comments just to give myself a bit of a break- a respite- but I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right and I didn't want to limit my world to only those who agree with me or cause me no sadness or sorrow. But I needed to find some way to handle all the emotions that were beginning to overwhelm me, so I went to Drew for advice.

When Drew heard my story, he keyed in on the times I had prayed and advised me to focus on that. Drew suggested that each time I saw a post from this individual, I should use it as a reminder to pray for them and then do just that. I loved the idea. I may not feel I'm in a good position to speak verbally into their life at this point, but I can certainly take their needs- known or unknown to me- and place them in the hands of God. And so I went forward feeling equipped for what may come.

The next day, I ran across another post from this person but this time they was specifically attacking Christian parents- and it immediately felt far more personal. They may not have intentionally thought of Drew and I, but in the end, their words referred to us as well. These words were not just unkind or condemning; they were slanderous. They implied that the very fact that we would choose to teach our children about God made us child abusers in their eyes. I was devastated.

I knew I should pray but the sadness and hurt clouded my thoughts, and I struggled to put any words together. How should I pray for someone who held such a terrible view of me? What should I even pray for? I didn't want the prayer to be about me- that wasn't the purpose- but I was struggling to separate out my own feelings in the moment.

But then- as I took a little time just to try to collect myself and my thoughts, something occurred to me. This wasn't a coincidence. Less than 24 hours ago, I had committed myself to pray for this individual on what I believed would be a fairly regular basis, and suddenly I am confronted with a post that cut me deeper and more personally than anything before. And I found myself wondering if Satan wasn't intentionally trying to keep me from praying for this person. It certainly felt that way. And at that moment, I knew there was only one thing I could and should do. So I prayed and when I struggled with the words, God provided.

Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about the event and the lesson that is so clearly within. I haven't patted myself on the back (or shared this now in hopes of the same) because in reality this should have been my response all along. What was Jesus' response when people insulted Him?

 "Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.” The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” There was a written notice above him, which read: this is the king of the Jews. One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!” But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23: 34-43

Jesus prayed for those who beat him, mocked him, sneered at him and wrongly accused him. If his actions were not enough, he also taught us, saying:

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." Matthew 5: 38-42

and later in the same chapter:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:43-45

How do I- how do you- respond when we are insulted or maligned because of our faith?
How often do we allow our first emotions of hurt, anger, sadness to come between us and the chance to reflect God's pure, unadulterated love?
How many times have our emotions and our personal hurt or irritation caused us to view the other party through our own eyes instead of the eyes of their loving Creator?
How often have we responded in a way that suits our wishes but not the will of God?

The reality is that what I shared above was truly minor. It wasn't even directly aimed at Drew or I, but even so, it took a clear reminder from God to help me do what I should have done from the start. If I want to "be prepared in season and out of season"  (2 Timothy 4:2a), I need to start with the little things that are in front of me now.

My Untold Story

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present 

nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

April 1, 2018

Saved from Myself
Oh the work that was accomplished on this weekend so many years ago! This weekend my soul rejoices because I have seen personally how Jesus' death, burial and triumph over the grave can change your life. This weekend, I remember how Jesus' sacrifice, love and forgiveness saved me from myself.

I feel compelled to share this piece of my story but at the same time, I am extremely nervous. This particular time in my life that I want to share was definitely the darkest, lowest, ugliest time I can recall and the thought of exposing it to whomever chooses to read this is a bit daunting. Despite the fact that this was something I struggled with for nearly two years, only a select few even know it existed. Shame, fear, sadness and reproach still cloud my thoughts when I think back to this particular time. Yet I know that God has redeemed this part of my story as well and I trust He will continue as He has done all along. So here goes.........

Back when I was in high school, I went through a time of great self-reproach and disgust. For those on the outside looking in, there would have been nothing to hint that this was going on. I appeared to have things well in hand. I was doing well in school, had several good friends, was involved in numerous extra curricular clubs and activities, and generally excelled at whatever I put my mind to do. However I had been fed a load of lies- a running monologue of all the ways what I was doing wasn't enough and would never be. No person spoke these things to me so I can only assume it was the work of the devil, eager to destroy me with these lies..... and you know what, they nearly did.

I looked at myself and saw nothing but disappointment and failure. Nothing I did was good enough. I lacked self-control and was too selfish, prideful and judgmental. I couldn't see anything of value in myself and did not see any reason people should love or care for me. I had nothing to offer. These things may not seem that terrible to some, but the thoughts were so pervasive and constant I couldn't see a way out and I honestly struggled with the question of whether it wouldn't be better if I just ended things. For nearly two years, I struggled with thoughts of suicide. I made a plan, had access to every thing I needed, and even decided on the best time to act to ensure effectiveness. I remember laying in my bed debating the idea time and again. Do I? Could I? Why shouldn't I?

All that stayed my hand was the love of my Savior. Whenever I seemed to come close to acting on these thoughts, He was there reminding me that He loved me- even at my ugliest. He showed me that I was worth fighting for- even when I couldn't see anything worth saving. From one time to the next, the method He used changed- a friend, a Bible verse, a song- but each time He was there reminding me that I was His precious child, worth everything to Him- even the sacrifice of His own son.

I cannot tell you when things changed because it's too hard to pinpoint one event or moment. It just didn't happen like that, but the more I listened to what God was telling me, the less I heard the lies. And the less I heard the lies, the more I understood the beauty of the cross and the grace and love that are found there. I am here today because God loved me too much to leave me how and where I was. Thank you Lord for your amazing love and grace!

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

This is my story.

This is my song.

I'll praise my Savior all day, every day, long!

With Gratitude

"God will make a way where there seems to be no way. 

He works in ways we cannot see. 

He will make a way for me. 

He will be my guide, hold me closely to his side. 

With love and strength for each new day, 

He will make a way. He will make a way."

If there is one thing I have learned over the last 10 months it is that God will make a way where there seems to be no way. You see some things remained the same between our last deployment and the latest, but as often happens in life, other things had changed. And what had changed was not little. During our first deployment, we became very close with a couple from our church, and they became my go-to whenever I needed help- whether with child care or car troubles, lawn issues or loneliness. But in the 20 months between the 2014 deployment and the 2016 leave date, life had happened and this dear couple's circumstances and schedule had changed in such a way that I knew things couldn't work as they had before. How would I manage? The hole left was no small hole, and we fully expected Drew's absence would be even longer this time. But in what should have been a void, God stepped in and provided in absolutely incredible ways!

In those early weeks of the deployment, I had numerous appointments I had to keep where I could not have the girls with me. I counted and in less than 4 weeks, 10 different ladies offered to watch one or both of the girls free of charge. A couple even changed their schedules to work around my appointments and one, when I had to change an appointment when one of the girls took ill, asked me immediately when my rescheduled time was so she could be free to help.

Then in the month of January, we had a couple of incidences where I thought I might need to take one of the girls to a late night walk-in clinic or ER right at bedtime. Noelle cut her thumb on a large piece of glass just before bed and another time I watched as a fever, with medicine, continued to climb all day to 104 degrees Fahrenheit and began making plans should the temperature go up even higher. The problem was I had no plan as to who I would or could call late at night in the case of the emergency. I was fairly certain that there were several I could have called and they would have done whatever was necessary to help me, but I hated the thought of surprising someone with an emergency HELP ME call without discussing it with them first. (The planner in me doesn't like to inconvenience anyone.) After the second incident, I mentioned this source of stress during prayer time with my ladies' Bible study group and before I even finished my request, the ladies were passing around a slip of paper so I had names and numbers that I could call any time day or night. Even now I'm in tears as I recall this because, although another situation never arose and I never needed to call one of those ladies on that list, that slip of paper would hang on our refrigerator the remainder of the deployment and I never once looked at it without being reminded of the love and care of so many incredible women and the love and providence of God.

I can never say thank you enough to any of the ladies above, whether they watched the girls for me while I went to an appointment or a meeting or whether they eased my mind by offering to be on call. Both provided comfort and both were a reminder that I am not alone. Amazingly enough, those stories are just a drop in the bucket.

I am also so thankful for.......

My go-to gals who always had time for a phone call or a messenger chat, who patiently listened to my rambling stories and my craziness and helped me sort through the muddle of emotions and challenges.- Thank you for being a safe place to land and an honest but calming and wise voice.

My grandma who wrote daily devotionals and shared them with both Drew and I- Thank you for the time you put into it, the sound teaching found throughout them and the additional layer of connection you helped to create between Drew and I while we were separated.

The ladies- you know who you are- who were my go-to babysitters- Thank you for your willingness, your generosity and the love you brought to each visit. Thank you for making it possible for me to not only handle personal matters but also serve in ways outside of our home.

The ladies who took the girls out just so I could have a little time alone- Thank you for that precious commodity and thank you for the attention and love you showered on our girls.

To those who offered to help with the girls, whether you ever did or not, thank you for coming along side of us.

To those who stopped what they were doing to listen to my honest answer to the question, "How are you doing?", thank you for taking the time and caring.

To those who always had time to listen to the girls and get a hug (or two) whenever we stopped by the office, thank you for loving our girls so completely.

To those who listened to the latest parenting challenges I faced and offered encouragement and support as I tried to find a way to be both mom and dad to our girls, thank you for the grace you offered me and the guidance you shared.

To those who asked me how Drew was doing, even when I didn't have much new to report, thank you for remembering he remained very much a part of our thoughts and lives despite the distance.

To those who wrote me notes and sent me cards, thank you for remembering us and brightening my day.

To those who heard we were going through a deployment and left me poems, books and other materials, thank you for taking time after the fact to remember me and encourage us along the way.

To those who sent care packages to the girls and I, thank you for the reminder that our we are loved by so many, near and far away.

And to the many, many who hugged us and held us close, thank you for being there at just the right time.


Each and every one of you was a beautiful reminder that as a part of the body of Christ, we are never alone, and with each word and deed God silently whispered to me, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.." (Isaiah 41:10)

Teaching Me To Trust

After a long few weeks, I woke this morning and felt as though the very fibers of my being were strained to the point of breaking and my nerves were frazzled beyond repair. Stress, some unavoidable and some self-inflicted, was tearing at me and weighing me down. For days now, I have found myself thinking, “I can’t do this any longer.” As close as we may be, what remains is still far too much and the pressure of it all- the deployment, the parenting, the move, the unknowns and the waiting- were taking their toll.

My patience had reached a low point; my need for order, control and timeliness were screaming for attention and the girls were swept along in the wake. I know I was barely holding things together as we entered the church building this morning and while I know we stopped to speak to a few people before we headed in to service, sadly most of it is lost on me now just hours later.

As the service began, I held the girls close, hoping to bridge any rifts my distress might have created and I felt the tears brimming at the surface. As I tried to sing, my throat began to burn and words were hard to come by. And then, as He so often does, He reminded me ever so clearly that He knows what I face, He knows my struggles and He knows my sorrow. He can turn my tears into something beautiful and He is working even as I wait.

“There is strength within the sorrow

There is beauty in our tears

And You meet us in our mourning

With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You’re sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding

You’re teaching us to trust”

Lord,

You are faithful. You are forever and You are sovereign. I know this but I have to admit I don't always live this. Forgive me and help me to fight the lies of fear and stress with what I know to be true of You. Thank you for remaining true even when I falter and need reminding- time and again.

You are perfect in love. Lord I am so grateful for this, for I surely don't deserve it. As I sit here tonight, I look back and see how imperfect my love can be- for You, for our girls and for all You have created. Help me see those areas where my love should be more like Yours and give me the strength to pursue it, regardless of  all else.

Teach me to trust Lord- at all times, in all things, when I wake and when I lay down, when the plan seems clear before me and in the unknown and the waiting.