When Mommy Isn't Watching

The timing of Drew's call yesterday and my outpouring must have been God-given, for today I needed every extra ounce of strength and patience I could possess (plus more).

The girls are challenging me. Both in their own way. With Noelle, I have a good idea how I need to address her challenges as she doesn't truly like to get in trouble and therefore lacks any strong conviction to disobey or defy. Naomi is another issue. She can be openly stubborn and defiant. There are time I can easily recall a look in her eye that told me that nothing I said or did would get through at that time because she had entrenched herself and wasn't going to budge. Yet more often, Naomi is  likely to employ sneakiness. She'll be the picture of obedience in my presence or the presence of any other adult, but the minute we are gone, she'll be quietly disobeying- either with her own hands or by encouraging others to do so in her stead. This sneakiness has made a reappearance in the last few weeks but was caught red-handed today.

This morning I had to correct and talk with Naomi about encouraging Noelle to disobey and how her part in such a situation is disobedience as well. Then this evening after going outside no more than a few minutes earlier, I caught her doing something I would never, NEVER have thought she would do. We have addressed the issue so thoroughly in smaller ways that I would never have imagined she would choose to do something so flagrant, but she did just that.

Please pray for us as we move ahead. It has always been very emotionally and physically taxing to consistently and faithfully address Naomi's sneaky disobedience. Its presence seems to ebb and flow but once it begins, it usually lasts several weeks before she decides it isn't worth it. Now I find myself in the midst of this once again, but it is compounded by Noelle's new-founded disobedience and the many stresses of the deployment.


Lord,

Help me in the days ahead. Let me take them one at a time, even one moment at a time if need be. Give me the strength, patience and wisdom to address the issues that have arisen with the girls. Help me to appropriately and consistently guide and correct them when needed. 

Be with Naomi and help her to see her actions are never truly out of sight. May she see and learn the value of truthful living- both in her words and her deeds. 

Help me as I look for places I can better prioritize and look for options that will help me manage the multitude of responsibilities I find placed on my shoulders during this deployment. May I not become so task-focused that I miss a greater need of the girls.

Despite The Miles Between

Under the umbrella of God's love comes so much- His comfort, His presence, His patience, His grace, His body of believers. Our family, our friends, our church- they are all gifts from God who have encouraged and supported us in this time and many of whom have reminded us where to focus, whom to look towards, whom to rely upon and where our strength comes from. I am ever so thankful for all of those God has brought into our lives and their help through this time, but even more so, I am thankful that God brought one man into my life.

I have talked with several people lately about some of my struggles. They all have been most caring, considerate and encouraging, yet still I found self-recriminations and stress getting the best of me. Yesterday we were able to get on Skype with Drew and without intending it, I ended up sharing with him, all in the midst of tears. I felt terrible laying that knowledge at his feet, knowing there was nothing he could physically do to help me despite his desires and wishes.  At the same time though, I felt the burden begin to lift. I cannot explain it. In typical Drew fashion, he said very little except to reassure me that it was okay to share and express what I was feeling, yet the effect of sharing with Drew brought a peace I haven't felt concerning the issues in days, if not weeks. It continues to amaze me how quickly and easily he can calm some of those nagging voices in my head and quiet the doubts that assault me, and at times like that, I can only thank God that He brought us together.

God has brought great comfort, strength and peace to my heart and soul and uses Drew to continue to calm and quiet my thoughts. I am so thankful for His guidance which led me to ignore pressure and concerns and wait for a summer in Texas and a 19 year old young man, a man who has understood me better than any one else I have ever met and who can, with a simple joke and incredible smile, erase doubts and fears from thousands of miles away.

120 days down..... and I know now- more than ever- how much I cherish my husband.

120 Days

                It has been

                                  3.9 months-

                                                     17 weeks-

                                                                      120 days-

                                                                                      since Drew left.

Wow! That seems incredible, especially when I consider it in terms of days. Have we really marked off 120 days of what will likely be nearly 300 days of separation? In some ways that is encouraging (as long as I don't consider the opposite side of the coin and look at how much time is left). We are slowly making it. I have had some bad days. I have had several roller coaster weeks but we are making it.

We are making it

1 day at a time - with  2 eyes on the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Lord,

Sometimes the pain is so unbearable. Drew's absence is never far from me or my thoughts, but there are so many times when I tangibly feel his absence in my chest- a pressure, a hole. It hurts beyond all reason, and it can consume me- my thoughts, my actions, my every emotion. 

My thoughts are so scattered right now. They jump from one issue related to Drew to the next, yet one thing I know for certain. I don't want the next many months to be filled with this. I realize there will be moments and days when I will feel the full extent of the sorrow and pain, but I don't want to live there. Not only for my sake or the girls, but because I know there are so many others who are suffering and dealing with their own struggles all around me.

Help me, Lord, to look past my own pain and see those around me. Open my eyes, Lord, and let me see what You see and feel as You feel.

When The Floodgates Open

I suppose it was only a matter of time. All it took was one small, seemingly minor comment (at least to the speaker), and I saw the dam break and the floodgates open. 

Drew and I have had spotty, inconsistent communication for the last month or more. Whether it be Skype or the post (mailing packages), things have been rough going and nothing like what people assured us we could expect to help us stay connected throughout this time. It has been wearing. 

Drew finally got his new mailing address at Kandahar and two days later (just after the weekend), we were at the post office to send him another care package with everything from goodies and treats and items he'd requested to personal letters, drawings and pictures. I had everything ready to go, or so I thought. When I got to the counter, I was told that I couldn't use the customs form as I had filled it out and needed to complete a new one. However the new form didn't resolve the issue, so I did the best I could given what I was provided with. I finished up and went back to the counter. The clerk began to process the package, sticking on the customs forms, and handling my payment. At the very end, she tells me that she doesn't know if the package will ever make it to him as customs may well return the box due to the forms. She had never seen them done this way before. The dam broke at that moment and all logical thought left, so I never thought to ask for the package back. Instead I now have to hope that our package, so carefully and lovingly compiled just for Drew, makes it to him in decent time.

Of course, it is possible there will be no difficulty with the package and it may seem like a small thing, but for me on this day, it was the last thing I wanted or could hear. These care packages are my little way to tangibly show Drew our love, to share a piece of home with him while he is far away, and it felt like it was being taken away. That was heaped on everything else and before I knew it, the tears began and unlike in the past, I couldn't stop them. For the first time since Drew left, I couldn't find any motivation to put one foot in front of the next. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and hide from the world- preferably until next March- even as the girls played nearby. The pain of loss and sorrow were unrelenting and overwhelming, and I just wanted to have Drew walk in the door, take me in his arms and wipe away the tears.

As I lay there, words from a song we sang at church yesterday came back to me:

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

(In Christ Alone by Natalie Grant)

And from there, I felt drawn to Psalms:

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain.  I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me." Psalm 3:3-5


I sit four days later looking back over the week that began so tumultuously and I can say with absolute certainty that God has truly sustained me, but not only that, He has lifted my spirit, calmed my emotions, guided my hands and feet and returned my smile.

Faithful to the Finish

Today our home church said goodbye to a well-loved minister and his family, as they head out for a new ministry in another state. He spoke one last time during church service on being "Faithful to Finish." In his message, he was specifically talking about our lifetime- being faithful until our time on earth is complete. Yet over the course of the day, it has taken on even greater meaning for me.

Of course, I desire nothing more than to hear the Lord tell me, "Well done, good and faithful servant" when my life on earth is done, and I do my best to live in such a way that it will come to fruition. Yet right now, the deployment has made me a bit more short-sighted when it comes to most things. It is hard to look too far ahead because I am reminded how long it will be until Drew returns. Perhaps it is short in the long run, but it is ever so long at this moment. Instead I find that I am just handling the needs for this day (and maybe some basic plans for the week).

Being faithful to the finish is challenging as my own desires and feelings often struggle against something far greater than I, and not just on the scope of my lifetime. For right now I just want to faithfully finish this hard time in our life, and sometimes I have to find the ability just to be faithful to the finish of the day. Especially lately, I have felt overwhelmed by all the burdens of responsibility at home as well as the unceasing sorrow of Drew's absence, and I have voiced to myself that I just didn't see how I could do it for another six months. A week or so ago, I was probably at the lowest I have been since Drew left, and the only way I have come up out of it was by being faithful- just for the day ahead.

Faithful to complete the tasks set before me during this time. 

Faithful to recognize my inability and His great ability. 

Faithfully relinquishing my control and relying on His strength and omnipotence. 

Faithfully trusting in His promises, providence, love and grace.

As I sit here looking back over the last three months and facing another six, I know there is only one way to faithfully finish the course set before me. "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." (1 Corinthians 15:58) And while I do not know the future and could not even tell you with certainty how tomorrow will turn out, I have confidence that persevering in this effort will lead to peace in the midst of sorrow and strife. For "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal," (Isaiah 26:3-4) and  "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Lord,

Great God, mighty and strong to deliver us from all troubles, yet loving us enough to let us endure as a Father with His children. Thank you for your incredible faithfulness, despite my often wandering heart and stubborn will. May I faithfully follow and serve you in this time- knowing that living faithfully for this day will one day lead to faithfully finishing.

This I Know

Today Drew confirmed that, at least for a short while, his circumstances were changing, placing him in far greater danger. It was hard to consider initially. I could feel this heaviness weigh down on my chest and it seemed nothing could lift it. At first, my thoughts were consumed with the many hazards and "what ifs", but I did my best to replace those thoughts with things I know are certain and prayed that God would help me stay focused on those.

I know.....

The Lord is always with me-

Deuteronomy 31:8- "The Lord Himself is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Hebrews 10:23- "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;"


God commands a mighty army-

2 Kings 6:15-17- "Now when the attendant of the man of God had risen early and gone out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was circling the city. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” And the Lord opened the servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha."

"I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side"

"Whom Shall I Fear" by Chis Tomlin

All I have to do is look up-

Psalm 121- "I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever."

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine."

"Oceans" by Hillsong United

And trust in Him-

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Psalm 9:10- "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You."

Isaiah 12:2- “Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation.”

John 14:1- "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me."

Romans 15:13- "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

"And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul."

"It is Well" by Bethel Music