A Choice Well-Made

I sat down to write a letter to Drew a couple nights back and was transported back to nine years ago when a notepad and pen were our only form of communication.

Drew and I had known each other for a year. We had carried on a long distance relationship over the course of the previous school year. I had just graduated from Johnson and Drew was off at Basic Training after deciding to take a commission with the US Army and serve in the National Guard in the meantime.

A few months before when Drew first made that decision, he wrote me and asked me to consider if I wanted a life in the Army or not. Drew knew the Army was the choice for him, but he wanted to give me the chance to say "No thanks" before things got any more serious between us.

I remember thinking about it. I remember knowing that I loved Drew but feared an Army life. In fact if there is one thing I had always known about the man I would one day marry, it was the fact that I didn't want him to be a "man in uniform" (be it police, fireman, or military). Specifically regarding Army life, I didn't want to move that much. I didn't want to live so far from my family. I never felt like I made friends easily or quickly. I feared deployments and the inherent dangers of the job. In the end though, I loved Drew and that was more compelling than my fears. So I said I was in.

The years have sped by and now we find ourselves in the midst of those fears, and you know what, I'm so thankful I made the choice I did. Those fears are as real and as daunting as I ever imagined and there are so many aspects of Army life that I never even really considered. Some days all of that can seem overwhelming, but in the end, Drew is more than worth it.

A Note and Prayer for Naomi

I held Naomi in my arms tonight as she cried and clung to me while struggling with sadness and longing for her Daddy. Through her tears, she told me, "I just want Daddy. I want Daddy here with us. I wish Daddy had a normal job where he worked in town and came home every night."



Oh my dear precious little girl,

I wish the same thing and it is hard to carry on at times knowing that it isn't that way. Yet we know that your Daddy loves us very much, that he is missing us as much as we miss him, that he is gone in the hopes of helping and protecting others, and that even if your earthly Daddy is not near, our Heavenly Daddy is always near.

When the day is hard and the missing is too great, please run to me. My arms are always open and my shoulder is always ready for your sweet little head. No household task or errand is more important than you.

When you don't understand, talk with me. I may not always have the answer but I will listen.

When your excitement overflows, sing and dance with me. Even when Daddy is away, he would still want us to celebrate and enjoy each day, for we know that "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24)

No matter what you are feeling, thinking or experiencing, I pray that you will be able to come to me. We can handle things better together and if we then turn to the Lord, there will be nothing we cannot weather.


For in the end sweet child, you belong to the Creator of this world. Your Daddy and I have been entrusted with your care for just a short while, but you are and always will be His. God's love for you is beyond our understanding and He knows your heart better than any other. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16) He knew this time, these trials and this sadness would come into our lives before either of us was born and He and He alone can see us through.

I love you, my sweet, sensitive, determined, energetic little Naomi Grace. Your Daddy loves you and even greater still, your Heavenly Father loves you.

Many hugs and just as many kisses- Mommy


Lord,

You are the Father of the fatherless. You are the Architect and Creator of this world. You designed and formed all that is in this world and we know that Naomi is Your precious child. 

Watch over our little girl this night. Bring her peace and comfort despite all the sorrow and longing she feels. Guide her thoughts, words, hands and feet in the days ahead and hold her close when her Daddy seems so far away.  

One Thought

I have several things I should still complete before going to bed tonight,
but I had to take a little time to stop and share.

Today has been a GOOD day. 

Thank you, Lord, for Your mercies are new every morning and today I have seen that ever so evidently. May I never forget what brought me to this point- not my own power, wisdom or strength, but my weakness exposed and laid at Your feet.

Heart-wrenching and Heart-warming

There are some memories I don't want to forget. This morning was one of them. 

Before Drew left, he gave me a locket. It's a beautiful, antique piece

 in which I have placed pictures of him- so that he will always be near. 

I showed both of the girls what was inside and while Naomi has asked me once or twice if she could see inside- likely more out of curiosity than need- Noelle seemed to have forgotten. This morning we were in Naomi's room. We had just changed the sheets on her bed. I sat down at the foot of the bed and Noelle was pretending to go "ni-night" with Naomi's bears. Suddenly, she crawls down to me and starts repeatedly saying, "Daddy," finally pointing at the locket. I asked if she wanted to see Daddy's pictures, to which she nodded yes. So I opened the locket for both girls as Naomi came over to join us. Noelle squealed with delight when she saw Drew. I asked her if she wanted to give Daddy a kiss and the next thing I know, the girls are passing the locket back and forth between them, taking turns giving Daddy kisses. Their joy in showering their Daddy with kisses was undeniable and the moment was precious.

Later in the day we would be standing at the fabric counter of Hobby Lobby where I was having some fabric and trim measured and cut. Noelle would ask me again to look in the locket. When it became obvious she wanted him close and I needed more freedom of motion than the chain would allow, I pulled out a laminated picture of Drew and Noelle together and handed it to her. Again her excitement was almost palpable and within moments, she was excitedly holding out the picture to the lady at the counter, exclaiming, "Daddy," over and over again. She wanted everyone to know and see her Daddy.

The reason for these moments is heart-wrenching, but the love and joy found in these moments is heart-warming as well.

How are you doing? Part II

Well, I guess it shouldn't be a big surprise that once again the most commonly asked question is, "How are you doing?"

So far my answer has remained constant- We're okay. And honestly without going into lots of detail, that's pretty accurate. The days have been a mix of good and bad, but not really anything out of the ordinary for our family. The last several days have been just like the first 4 or 5 days of any one of Drew's many military travels. So far, nothing seems all that different from those previous separations. All considering, that doesn't seem like a big surprise. The biggest difference we will face this time will be his location and the length of time. As far as his location, right now it doesn't apply and for the most part, I have a great sense of peace about his safety. (We'll see how that holds up if something big happens in his general vicinity.) The length of time, while something I can grasp, has no real effect on us yet. Right now, nothing is new.

But that will change. Typically Naomi feels the need to challenge everything shortly after Drew leaves. She just wants to see if his absence will mean any type of change in rules and discipline. (Will I get lax?) And usually by about the tenth to fourteenth day, I am 100% worn down and frazzled from this process. I'm tired of the constant battle, arguments, bad attitudes, fits, ect. and I crave a day when I don't feel like correction and discipline is the main form of interaction I have with her. In every past case, I have found comfort in the fact that Drew would be home in XX number of days and usually that we were at least half way through the separation. Somehow I don't think the length of time until Drew returns will be comforting this time around.

We will also get our first taste of another difference later this month. Naomi's birthday is in three weeks and for the first time, Drew will be gone for a major family or national holiday (excepting our anniversary). It will be the first time, Naomi feels the loss of her Daddy for an event of great import to her. We've never faced that before and I feel pretty certain, things will feel a little more real that week.

But in the meantime, we press on- through the good and the bad, and I find that more often than not I end the day singing or humming to myself. (Mom, the last few days it has been "His Eye is on the Sparrow." Thanks for sending me the lyrics earlier. )

For now, please pray for Naomi and I. She is doing what she has in the past and we are having lots of clashes because she will get upset or get an ugly attitude whenever she doesn't get something when she says, how she says, where she says. Bedtime in particular has always been extremely challenging when she is like this. She may become argumentative, sneaky, defiant or mad. It may happen in the moments leading up to bedtime or it may happen after I've tucked her in, and whenever it happens, it is always big, ugly and drawn out. In the end, I usually walk away mentally, emotionally and often, physically exhausted. So if you'd remember us in the 7-8 pm (mountain time) time frame, I would appreciate it.



Lord,

Thank you for this precious little girl you have entrusted to Drew and I. She is a challenge, she is humbling and she is a joy. Help me to never abdicate my role but guide me to handle that authority and position in the way You know is best. Give me the understanding and patience to approach her in ways that encourage and exemplify good actions and attitudes and grant me the strength and stamina to stand strong as she tests and challenges the new situation we find ourselves in.

The Faith of a Child

So originally, I planned on sharing the story of talking to Naomi about why Daddy would need to carry a gun, but as I thought about it more, I saw an even bigger story.

Naomi has continually amazed me throughout all of the lead up to Drew's deployment. When we first sat down and told her about Drew's deployment, he explained that his work needed him to go help over on the other side of the world. Her first question was, "Are there lots of bombs over there?" And when she was told there were, she said, "So you are going to protect the people from those bombs?" At the time, it seemed a fairly perceptive series of questions for a four year old and we also recognized that she didn't seem to fear the idea of Drew working with bombs. We assumed this was due to her limited knowledge of bombs. (She only knows of them from Mythbusters where no one has ever been hurt by a bomb. They are just fun and exciting.) As I look back now though, she must have more understanding of bombs because she recognizes that other people need to be protected from them.

Then for the next several weeks, life went on as usual and Naomi seemed almost completely unphased by Drew's coming departure. Until just a few days ago, when she asked him, "You will try to stay safe, right Daddy?" And here, we had our first clue that she knows there is danger involved with this trip. Yet still from her demeanor and voice, it was obvious that she's not worried about his safety.

Lastly this morning, we were headed to the commissary at the US Air Force Academy. When we got to the gate, Naomi noticed the MP who was standing guard and checking IDs. She commented that the MP's uniform was different than Daddy's but that he was wearing something "just like Daddy's." I asked, "What is that, Naomi?" And she replied, "That thing strapped to his leg"- his gun holster. After I explained what a holster was, she commented, "But Daddy doesn't use guns." This led to a discussion about why Daddy would have a holster, how she will likely see pictures of him with guns and why he needs to carry a gun while he's away.  At the end, I asked Naomi if she had any other questions about all that we discussed, and she had just one. "What if Daddy has to shoot someone?"

All of these conversations have had their challenges. They are hard topics and can be difficult for older children and even adults, and we needed to help our four year old daughter understand while protecting her from unnecessary details and information, and still try to offer comfort and peace. Naomi's responses and demeanor tells a lot about how she views her Daddy.

Of course I haven't come close to capturing her attitude or emotions in this short space, but it has been quite evident that Naomi's faith in her Daddy is unshakable. No matter what information we shared, her trust and faith in her Daddy has left no room for doubt of who he is or his ability. Do I have that same, unshakable, absolute faith in my Heavenly Father? When things don't seem to be "right," "fair," or "good," which do I question first- my thoughts or God? When times are tough, do I run to my Heavenly Father knowing He helps, saves, protects and works all things for the good or do I place my trust in other lesser things?

Naomi has the faith of a child- because she is just that. Maybe I need more of that.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

Daddy's Special Jobs

The night before Drew left, he talked with Naomi and gave her a few special responsibilities or "jobs" that Drew normally did to help me, but now he was asking her to take over those jobs and do them while he was away. Drew and I had discussed a few possibilities, but we also left it up to him to decide on the final jobs. I was out of the room when they talked but I heard what he was telling her (so I would know). One of the jobs Drew thought of by himself was tidying up the shoes in our entry way. When I heard it, I thought it was a cute, easy task that would be good without hopefully becoming too much of a chore.

The evening Drew left, Naomi took care of the shoes while I changed Noelle's diaper upstairs. When she was done, she also came upstairs for pajamas and bedtime. Then, as is usual, I stayed up in our bedroom listening for the girls to make sure they were settling down and not playing, ect. By the time I headed downstairs, I had forgotten about the special job. Then I turned the corner and saw this:

I nearly melted. It was like a little hug from a precious little girl and an incredible hug from my husband. Naomi had followed Drew's request to a T, without any guidance or help and no fussing or complaining. And Drew, Drew had thought of everything. Not only did he think of Naomi and a task she could do on his behalf, but he had thought of me and a simple act that would help me in ways beyond the standard running of the house. He knows I like things neat and tidy and that too much chaos in the house can really affect my stress level. This special job helps calm some of the chaos (or debris as I often call it) that comes with two little girls and reminds me of all the little things Drew did around the house, just to make things a little easier for me. And even though he is away, he is still caring for my needs from afar.