The Faith of a Child

So originally, I planned on sharing the story of talking to Naomi about why Daddy would need to carry a gun, but as I thought about it more, I saw an even bigger story.

Naomi has continually amazed me throughout all of the lead up to Drew's deployment. When we first sat down and told her about Drew's deployment, he explained that his work needed him to go help over on the other side of the world. Her first question was, "Are there lots of bombs over there?" And when she was told there were, she said, "So you are going to protect the people from those bombs?" At the time, it seemed a fairly perceptive series of questions for a four year old and we also recognized that she didn't seem to fear the idea of Drew working with bombs. We assumed this was due to her limited knowledge of bombs. (She only knows of them from Mythbusters where no one has ever been hurt by a bomb. They are just fun and exciting.) As I look back now though, she must have more understanding of bombs because she recognizes that other people need to be protected from them.

Then for the next several weeks, life went on as usual and Naomi seemed almost completely unphased by Drew's coming departure. Until just a few days ago, when she asked him, "You will try to stay safe, right Daddy?" And here, we had our first clue that she knows there is danger involved with this trip. Yet still from her demeanor and voice, it was obvious that she's not worried about his safety.

Lastly this morning, we were headed to the commissary at the US Air Force Academy. When we got to the gate, Naomi noticed the MP who was standing guard and checking IDs. She commented that the MP's uniform was different than Daddy's but that he was wearing something "just like Daddy's." I asked, "What is that, Naomi?" And she replied, "That thing strapped to his leg"- his gun holster. After I explained what a holster was, she commented, "But Daddy doesn't use guns." This led to a discussion about why Daddy would have a holster, how she will likely see pictures of him with guns and why he needs to carry a gun while he's away.  At the end, I asked Naomi if she had any other questions about all that we discussed, and she had just one. "What if Daddy has to shoot someone?"

All of these conversations have had their challenges. They are hard topics and can be difficult for older children and even adults, and we needed to help our four year old daughter understand while protecting her from unnecessary details and information, and still try to offer comfort and peace. Naomi's responses and demeanor tells a lot about how she views her Daddy.

Of course I haven't come close to capturing her attitude or emotions in this short space, but it has been quite evident that Naomi's faith in her Daddy is unshakable. No matter what information we shared, her trust and faith in her Daddy has left no room for doubt of who he is or his ability. Do I have that same, unshakable, absolute faith in my Heavenly Father? When things don't seem to be "right," "fair," or "good," which do I question first- my thoughts or God? When times are tough, do I run to my Heavenly Father knowing He helps, saves, protects and works all things for the good or do I place my trust in other lesser things?

Naomi has the faith of a child- because she is just that. Maybe I need more of that.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

Daddy's Special Jobs

The night before Drew left, he talked with Naomi and gave her a few special responsibilities or "jobs" that Drew normally did to help me, but now he was asking her to take over those jobs and do them while he was away. Drew and I had discussed a few possibilities, but we also left it up to him to decide on the final jobs. I was out of the room when they talked but I heard what he was telling her (so I would know). One of the jobs Drew thought of by himself was tidying up the shoes in our entry way. When I heard it, I thought it was a cute, easy task that would be good without hopefully becoming too much of a chore.

The evening Drew left, Naomi took care of the shoes while I changed Noelle's diaper upstairs. When she was done, she also came upstairs for pajamas and bedtime. Then, as is usual, I stayed up in our bedroom listening for the girls to make sure they were settling down and not playing, ect. By the time I headed downstairs, I had forgotten about the special job. Then I turned the corner and saw this:

I nearly melted. It was like a little hug from a precious little girl and an incredible hug from my husband. Naomi had followed Drew's request to a T, without any guidance or help and no fussing or complaining. And Drew, Drew had thought of everything. Not only did he think of Naomi and a task she could do on his behalf, but he had thought of me and a simple act that would help me in ways beyond the standard running of the house. He knows I like things neat and tidy and that too much chaos in the house can really affect my stress level. This special job helps calm some of the chaos (or debris as I often call it) that comes with two little girls and reminds me of all the little things Drew did around the house, just to make things a little easier for me. And even though he is away, he is still caring for my needs from afar.

The Lord is Your Keeper

Well I think it has begun- the emotional upheaval seems to be gathering steam at a steady pass.

Over the last few days when I considered how short the time before Drew left, my response to that reality seemed almost surreal. I wasn't hiding from the truth; I wasn't avoiding or ignoring it, but it didn't have the sting and pain attached that I would have expected. Today at about 5 pm, all of that changed. The tears have begun to flow and they are coming often. Almost every time Drew does anything Drew-like (and imagine how often that is), I cry because I'm going to miss him and everything about him so much. Our home just isn't the same without him.

As another round of tears threatened to fall, a song came to mind, and because of the song, Scripture as well.

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills—

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

The Lord is your shade at your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;

He shall preserve your soul.

The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in

From this time forth, and even forevermore."

Psalm 121

Thank you, Mom, for encouraging me to sing that Brooklyn Tabernacle song with you all those years ago and in the process instilling within me a portion of Scripture that has blessed me time and again.

Thank you, Lord, for being the One who made heaven and earth, the One who concerns Himself with someone as simple and insignificant as me, the One who is with me through each night and remains by my side through each day. Lord, your faithfulness, love and grace are incredible and incredibly undeserved. Thank you for showering them on me despite all of that. 

All praise to the Keeper of my soul, Keeper of my family's souls, Keeper of this world.

Three Hundred Sleepless Nights

I was getting ready to take a shower this morning and I did something I never do. I took my cell phone into the bathroom. Kind of a pointless action since I wouldn't get out of the shower if it rang or anything, but still, there it lay on the counter as I stepped into the shower. So hearing my cell phone ring while I was in the shower and unable to address it in any way, also put me in a place where I could just listen to my ringtone- the first part of the chorus of Laura Story's "Blessings", a song I have long loved.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know Your near?
What if trials of this life are Your blessings in disguise?

As far as I know right now, God's not asking me to have a thousand sleepless nights, but I may have around three hundred. Maybe that's just what is needed.

In those times when life seems too hard, painful or just impossible to bear, God is in control, and no matter what brought the circumstances to bear, God either has a purpose or can use the situation for incredible good.

What if blessings come through this deployment?
What if healing comes through my tears?
What if three hundred sleepless nights is what it takes to know God's near?
Remember that trials of this life may be blessings in disguise.

Questions

Drew and I are a true team when it comes to parenting and our combined presence is a huge benefit. When one of us is tired or sick, the other is there to help pick up the slack. 

I find myself thinking ahead (and not that far ahead anymore) and wondering:

Who will pick up the slack on days when I have a headache?
How will I go on- day in and day out?

Who will pick up the slack when I'm too tired to keep my eyes opened?

How will I maintain consistency at such times?
Who can step in with a level head to appropriately administer a consequence/discipline when I'm frazzled and at the end of my rope from the constant barrage of defiance and tantrums?
Who will lighten the mood when my thoughts unnecessarily weigh me down?

I know that we have been blessed with a wonderful church family here in Colorado Springs and I know many women who would do whatever they could to help me during hard times like the ones that weigh on my mind. Even greater though, a scripture verse has been revealed to me several times lately and while it doesn't give me answers to my questions above, it does tell me how to go on with or without the answers:

Out of the Blue

It was a good moment. 

We were laughing and playing- 

just enjoying a little time together while getting ready to head out. 

Everything seemed great 

and then, out of the blue, I am crying. 

Not a little cry either. 

No, this was a deep, heart-wrenching cry.

All because of one simple, little thought:

"I'm going to miss this."

Life Lessons

Life is constantly presenting us with lessons and many of these come to us indirectly. Whether good or bad, every moment teaches us something. We can learn strength, perseverance, graciousness, compassion, generosity, kindness, humility. We can learn pride, self-centeredness, anger, fear, selfishness. Even in our down times or on those days when it seems that nothing exceptional is happening, we can learn how to overcome boredom, the value of consistency, work and faithfulness.

Having children has helped me realize just how much we are constantly taking in. Our oldest has always been very verbal and quickly picked up a large vocabulary as well as being sensitive to the tone used in conversations. Our youngest mimics every action- obviously picking up on our body language and motor skills. Everything we do, everything we say and alternatively everything we do not do or say is noticed and internalized by our girls. They are constantly learning from us.

What will they learn in the upcoming months? What would we like for them to learn when it comes to how they handle a sense of loss, fear, worry, strong emotions?

What will they learn about the love of a father even when time and distance separates them- leaving them unable to communicate, see or touch him in the way they are accustomed? And what lesson could they (and myself) one day learn about God thanks to this time apart from their Daddy?

We know that being separated from Drew- being unable to see, touch or hear him will not equal a lack of concern or care. It won't mean he loves us less or is disinterested. Similarly there are times when it may feel as though God is silent and we struggle with the inability to see or feel him tangibly. But just as during this deployment the girls will know their Daddy still loves them, cares for them, wants the best for them, teaching them through me and his words- so God also is at work in our lives during those "silent times." Distance and "silence" doesn't mean a lack of concern, care or love with their earthly Daddy and it doesn't and won't mean that with their Heavenly Father.  The "silence" may just be the finishing of a good work. Just as Drew will be completing a good work for his profession, God- if we allow Him- may be completing a good work in our lives.

I hope and pray that some day the girls will know this not just with their heads but in their hearts and I pray that I can help them learn this lesson in the months and years ahead.

Whether good or bad, every moment can teach us something.

What will you learn this day? What will I? And what will we teach to those around us through our words and deeds?