Two Small Shoulders

Our two little girls are belted into their car seats. I give my Mom one last hug. We pray together. Then I slide behind the wheel of the car and set off. Another journey has begun.

18 hours of driving lie before me.

It doesn't take long for my thoughts to begin to consider all that I am leaving behind and what we are heading towards.

I have enjoyed living closer to my parents and my older sister and family. We still had a good day's drive to get to each other's house. Still  6-9 hours is definitively better than 17-20 and I have enjoyed the short time we lived that close to each other. This day, I had to say goodbye to that proximity. No plans are yet in place for the next time we will see each other and that is always hard to bear.

A little weight lands upon my shoulders.

One of our girls begins to cry which quickly becomes louder and more demanding. I only have two hands and can only reach so far around my seat, but I do what I can. I talk to her comfortingly; I sing. I ask our other daughter to help by giving her a toy. I turn on some lively music that she typically enjoys. My efforts are futile; nothing is working.

Another little weight lands upon my shoulders.

Just as our littlest begins to calm down and accept her situation, our oldest speaks up. "How much longer?" "I don't want to leave Grandma and Grandpa." "I want to go back home." "I don't like this day." "I'm mad at this day!." I offer what little comfort and reassurance I can while still driving.

Another weight drops upon my shoulders.

One hour down. Seventeen to go. Will I survive this trip? Will the girls? How do I help them when I'm weighed down with my own worries, fears, and sadness?

Another weight lands.

Technically we are homeless. We returned the keys to our home a few days back and have no home yet in Colorado. My task is to get there so we can begin the house hunting. How will I juggle the demands of looking at homes with the needs of tired, stressed, unsettled little girls?

Another weight drops.

What church will we attend? What school will our daughter attend? Can I put myself out there again to meet new people and make new friends?

Drop. Drop. Drop.

Focus on driving. The girls may be struggling and asking for you, but you must focus on driving, for the safety of you, the girls and all around you. Right now, driving safely must take precedence.

Another burden lands on my shoulders.

And as I feel the weight land on my shoulder, I know my shoulders are not strong enough to bear up under the burden of all that I am facing. And as the weights drop on my shoulders, I feel the tears drop from my eyes. I am too weak. I do not have the strength to make this journey alone.My shoulders just aren't broad enough or strong enough to bear such burdens.

Then again, I  do not have to shoulder the burden alone:

 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

"Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." Psalm 55:22

My shoulders may feel small and weak when I consider challenges from my perspective and strength alone, but when I choose to give the Lord the burden of my fears and future, I find that the burden is lifted. He asks for faith, trust and confidence in His strength and ability and offers assurance and peace in place of the overwhelming weight.


Lord,

By Your hand, the universe and all that is in it were created, and only by Your hand do they continue to hold together. What power, authority, and might! And still, You take time to care for me and offer to help me with my burdens- if I will but ask. I have done nothing to deserve such attention and concern. Thank you for the use of Your strong shoulders that can carry the weight of this world, offering me support and shelter all in one.

Houses and Homes

Less than six months ago, 

we entered this house where I sit tonight 

and turned it into our home-

a home where we have 

loved, laughed,

cried, played,

enjoyed, struggled,

shared, and grown. 

Tomorrow we will "turn back the clocks"

as we watch this home emptied, and

we begin a new journey- 

a journey to 

a new town,

a new community,

a new house,

and a new home.

Moves are filled with much 

excitement and stress, 

bitterness and sweetness.

 I look forward to our new home 

and all that will transpire there, 

yet I find that I mourn this last home. 

We may not have lived here long, 

but we lived well, 

not because of the tangibles 

but the immaterial.

Yet as I consider this beloved home

to which we must now say goodbye

and look toward our next home

and all that awaits us there,

I am thankful for one thing.....

Thank you Lord that one day
we will be called to our final Home
and only then
will we find true permanence and rest-

never again needing to say goodbye-
 and a peace and joy beyond my imagining.

Leaves

"Isn't this a pretty leaf?"

How many times did we hear that on our walk? More than I could count. You see, our oldest daughter has a great love for picking up leaves and rocks and bringing them home with her. Once they get home, they are deposited in one of many locations and, almost inevitably, forgotten shortly thereafter until we do a thorough cleaning of her room, and she decides it's time to let them go.

So the other day, I decided we'd embrace her love for leaves and do a leaf project, which meant we needed to go on a leaf-hunting expedition. Oh, she was so excited with the idea. In the end, our expedition turned into an entire family walk- even more fun, but along the way, our daughter never forgot the main objective of finding pretty leaves for our project. She picked up every leaf in sight- and there were many seeing how it is autumn in Virginia- and exclaimed, "Isn't this a pretty leaf?"

Now I'll let you in on something. I didn't always think the leaf was that pretty. Many were dry, brittle, torn, spotted, holey, and in general looking worse for the wear, but that was only to my critical eyes. To our daughter, she saw the color and the shape, even if not it's original shape, and loved what made each leaf unique. Her attention was not drawn to the defects, flaws or imperfections; she looked at the leaf and saw what made it special and beautiful first.

Oh to have eyes like our daughter's! Not only with the natural world around us, but with each other and with ourselves.


Lord of all creation,

Thank you for the artistry of Your creation and the opportunity we have to enjoy the beautiful fall colors. Thank you for our little girl, her love for Your creation and her sight which looks for the beautiful and special before all else. May I be more like that, banishing the harsh and critical thoughts and embracing all that You have made me to be and all of You that is in everyone and everything around me.

And as we continue to raise this precious child, help us to protect her unguarded, loving, generous heart, for it is truly a gift from You.

Timely Lesson

Our oldest has been testing boundaries for weeks all culminating in this latest week, when she raged, defied, cried and pounded her way from day to day. It is not the little girl I know. The brief moments of peace reminded me of our sweet, loving little girl, but then things would turn on a dime and the child before me was someone I would never have imagined existing inside the same body.

Over the past month or so, I had started looking at some new groups with Christian parenting advice, hoping to find a new method that might work better for her and for me. Some we tried; others we recognized outright would only make things worse. Then this week hit like a raging bull, and my husband and I started to have nearly nightly conversations about what had happened and how we had handled things, all leading up to a discussion about what seemed to be the best path and those places where each of us could do better as we strive to have a unified, consistent message and approach. In the midst of this, I have prayed; I have asked a few select close friends and family to pray, as well. And if you read my last post, you know we had seen the slightest glimpse of hope from our daughter just last night.

Obviously we have sought advice and counsel as well as encouragement from many places, but something was missing.

This morning our minister began a new series, one that could not have been any more apropos for our current situation: eternity-focused parenting- six weeks where we will focus on Godly advice for raising our children. What a wonderful thing for us! Of course what we specifically studied today was quite beneficial, but as I sat there, I realized the message went much deeper for us, as though the Lord Himself was reminding me, "Come to me. I have the answers."

Who better could we turn to for advice and encouragement? Yes, we've prayed and asked for prayer, but have I waited for an answer? Did I seek to hear His voice and allow for His comfort? Those are tough questions for me because I know that I did.....some. However I also allowed other voices in, minimizing the effect and possibly even drowning out His voice.

The Bible may not specifically tell me how to handle the situation we find ourselves. I don't recall any step by step suggestions on methods of approach and discipline for a defiant preschooler, but the Bible does offer the best advice for parenting. Our job is to set her on the right path. Our job is to point her toward Christ. Our job is to take the personality traits and characteristics that God has given her and show her how to use them for His glory and His kingdom. And in the end, my job is to remember that it's not just up to me. God is in control. While I will never be the perfect parent, I can be a good parent, and God chose my husband and I to be her parents. That was not a mistake.


Thank you Lord for the timely lesson at church today. As always You have the answers, even if I do not always avidly seek them. I thank you now for our two precious little girls and the reassurance we have that even when things get tough and we feel lost, You do not make mistakes.

Psalm 145

Have you every tried praying Scripture? I have read this Psalm several times recently and by the end, I always find myself saying, "Amen." A beautiful and wonderful prayer of praise!

"I exalt You, my God the King,

and praise Your name forever and ever.

I will praise You every day;

I will honor Your name forever and ever.

Yahweh is great and is highly praised;

His greatness is unsearchable.

One generation will declare Your works to the next

and will proclaim Your mighty acts.

I will speak of Your splendor and glorious majesty

and Your wonderful works.

They will proclaim the power of Your awe-inspiring acts,

and I will declare Your greatness.

They will give a testimony of Your great goodness

and will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and great in faithful love.

The Lord is good to everyone;

His compassion rests on all He has made.

All You have made will thank You, Lord;

the godly will praise You.

They will speak of the glory of Your kingdom

and will declare Your might,

informing all people of Your mighty acts

and of the glorious splendor of Your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom;

Your rule is for all generations.

The Lord is faithful in all His words

and gracious in all His actions.

The Lord helps all who fall;

He raises up all who are oppressed.

All eyes look to You,

and You give them their food at the proper time.

You open Your hand

and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all His ways

and gracious in all His acts.

The Lord is near all who call out to Him,

all who call out to Him with integrity.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;

He hears their cry for help and saves them.

The Lord guards all those who love Him,

but He destroys all the wicked.

My mouth will declare Yahweh’s praise;

let every living thing

praise His holy name forever and ever."

Psalm 145

One Little Prayer

Our oldest brought me to tears tonight while we were sitting at the dining room table.

The last several weeks, our oldest has started to challenge.....everything. This is not terribly uncommon. She has a very strong will and picks up on small changes or nuances very quickly, and like many young children, she feels the need to exploit or test the validity of the related boundary shortly thereafter. Only she doesn't stop at just that boundary. If she sees the smallest change in our energy, attention, consistency or some other change in expected house rules, she feels the need to test every boundary- just in case. On top of that, she has always had an incredible level of determination and perseverance, which means for us that we know it will take much longer than just a few days of consistent reinforcement of the rule/boundary before she quits testing it.

We thought this was just another one of those times, but this last week, we have seen a new side to our daughter. This new development has rocked our household. No day is without a major battle and every day has felt a little like World War III right here in our little, typically peaceful household. It has consumed much of my energies, leaving me anxious and upset but also on my knees in prayer. Needless to say, it hasn't really been a pleasant week, and I know that, while we have still found ways and time to have positive moments with our daughter, much of our time has been in conflict and discipline.

Today was no different. We had another very rough morning, followed by an afternoon of relative quiet though still filled with small scuffles concerning our authority and her response to it. Dinner appeared to be no different. As I was preparing our dinners (which were leftovers from the night before), our oldest quickly vetoed the food- a food she relished the night before- and found herself sitting alone while she calmed herself down. Yet at the dinner table, she asked to pray, and here was part of her prayer.....

"Thank you for my Mommy and Daddy. They bring me joy and take such good care of me. ..... I love my Mommy and Daddy."

What Mommy wouldn't be brought to tears? The thing I have prayed for the most was to reach her heart, and while I know we still have a long way to go as we work on her attitude and her actions and/or behavior, these words bring such great hope. Even after a week like we've had, she, of her own accord, recognizes the good we are trying to achieve.


Lord, as our Heavenly Father, there probably isn't a week that goes by when some of Your children don't just  flat out refused to listen and openly and flagrantly defy You. I know, for one, that I have been head strong and defiantly gone my own way at times. Thank you for your incredible patience and forgiveness to me. 

Thank you, Lord, for our little girl's prayer. Thank you for the reassurance that we are fighting a good fight and that our actions and words with her have not been completely lost. 

Thank you for this precious little girl and help us as we go into the days ahead. Give us wisdom and patience to handle each situation in the best manner for her and in everything we do, may she see Your love.

Beautiful Picture

Our oldest daughter loves to pretend play and for the last year or so, she has been infatuated with all things family. (In a setting of four of course- Daddy, Mommy, Big Sister and Little Sister.) It doesn't matter what she is playing with, they always end up a family of four (ie. markers, animals, trains, blocks, her food). The last week or so, her interests have taken a slight turn. Now instead of playing family, she is more specifically all about wife and husband.

The last day or two, she has come into our bedroom while I was getting ready and climbed onto our bed. She then has told me that she is in bed with her husband, and at that point, my heart always does a little flop. It is so hard to think about our little four year old daughter being in bed with her husband, but I keep that to myself and let her continue. Today she told me she was in bed with her husband and they were reading their Bibles. Once again, my heart did this little flop and then I thought, "Maybe it's a good thing we're not in Albuquerque anymore or she'd be asking and convincing her two little male friends to play husband."

Shortly after that though, I saw the whole picture from another perspective.

What a wonderful thing to play. It is not a bad thing that she someday hopes to marry and at least she has her story line right. Besides that, our daughter emulates things that she sees and desires for herself, and there is one primary place that she sees the husband/wife relationship played out- in the relationship between her father and I. If she is playing at this, it means she sees something good enough that even at the age of four, she wants it as well.

I'm thankful that our daughter looks on our marriage as something good and something to be desired, and although I'm not ready for it yet, I pray that someday she will have the chance to sit on her bed with her husband while they read the Bible. That sounds like a beautiful picture to me.


Lord,

Our daughters with their husbands reading the Bible is truly a beautiful picture and I greatly hope and pray that someday, if they choose to marry, it is something that will happen. There is nothing better for them in a spouse than one who loves You Lord, and I pray that will always be their top requirement in a boyfriend or spouse.