Running to His Arms

Noelle and Drew have this tradition. Whenever she first sees him (in the morning coming downstairs, when he comes home from work, etc.) and before bed, she always gives him a running jump hug. It is such a joy to watch. He will set down anything that is in his hands and plant himself at one end of the room or hall and opens his arms. Noelle will back up as far as she can and then runs full speed to him, leaping into his arms for one mighty hug. Every time.

Noelle runs to Drew when she needs him; she runs to him when she is hurt, but she runs to him for so much more than that as well. Noelle runs to her Daddy because she loves him, because she is excited to be with him and because she cannot think of a better place to be.

As we were singing the following words this morning, this image of Noelle running to Drew sprang to mind again.

Oh, I'm running to Your arms

I'm running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

(Hillsong, Forever Reign)

And while I can't deny its an image that is precious to me because of the relationship between Drew and Noelle, it took on an even deeper and sweeter image, as I realized this was exactly what had happened when Noelle made her decision to follow Jesus Christ.

When I think back on Noelle's baptism, I remember her sheer, all-encompassing joy. She was literally reverberating with it the day before and the morning of. And as I consider how she runs into the arms of Drew, I can so easily envision how she ran- joyfully and eagerly- into the arms of her Heavenly Father that Sunday morning. Noelle knew He would be there to catch her and she knew it was the place she most wanted to be- in His arms.

"Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see--- how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him!" Psalm 34:8 (the Message)

Sometimes its just that simple. We can make it more complicated. We can ask "why?" or "what if?". We can demand proof and answers. Or we can trust in who we know God to be- in His love and His grace- and run with abandon into his outstretched arms.

Dear Lord,

We praise you for your grace, your forgiveness and your mercy. We deserve none of it and yet you have chosen to lavish it upon us. Thank you. Thank you for Noelle's loving, joyful spirit and for her desire to make you her personal Lord and Savior. As she starts down this new path, we pray that you will give us wisdom to help guide her. We pray that her love for you will deepen and her joy in you will shine like the stars in the heaven, a light to all around her. We pray that nothing of this world will be able to dampen her spirit, but that through and in you, she will find renewed hope for each moment. Thank you Lord for entrusting her to us. We pray we honor you in all that we do.

12 Years as an Army Wife

 Nearly 14 years ago, I did something that I never planned….. never wanted to do- I married a man in uniform.

I was never one of those girls who spent lots of time planning my wedding. In fact, I rarely thought about a wedding when I was younger, but there was one thing I always knew. I did not want to be married to a man in uniform, whether military, police force or fire department. Starting over time and again, making new friends, putting myself out there, deployments, long work days, the unknown. The idea sounded impossibly hard, stressful and lonely, and it honestly terrified me. I was certain it was not the right path for me.

So 12 years ago as Drew took his oath of office and commissioned into the US Army, I found myself in one of the few places I was certain I wasn’t meant to be.

And after 12 years, I can tell you this: it is just as hard as I imagined and there are still so many aspects of the Army life that I find stressful and challenging. I have moved more times than I would ever wish. I have walked into house after house wondering if this would be our next home. I have visited church after church praying God would bring us to a new church family where we could grow and serve. I have said goodbye to Drew and held back the tears, so I could better comfort our girls. I have waited and waited for a phone call that didn’t come, and I have celebrated when our family was reunited once again. I have had to watch our girls say goodbye to dear friends and hold them as they cried in loneliness. I have mourned for them and questioned how our choices will affect them as they continue to grow. I’ve wished for the ease of living in one place with life long friends ready and able to show up at a moment’s notice if needed. All this has only confirmed to me that I was right all those years ago. I am not naturally made for a military life. It doesn’t come easily and I am not strong enough for it.

Yet here I am- and I am certain this is where I am meant to be and that God’s plan is at work right now. Because while I’m not strong enough- HE is! I couldn’t have imagined this life for myself but I believe God had something bigger in mind for me. He just asked me to step out in faith.

To drive 24 hours south to a summer camp in central Texas.
To give a young man from Texas a chance even if it meant our first year together was long distance.
To move away from all of my family to see what might be.
To say yes when asked.
To choose Him and His way over my fear.

And through the years I have continued to see God move in mighty ways- moving me into positions I once again would never have envisioned for myself. But in it all, I have come to better understand, “ Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) For although the Army life is something I never saw or thought I wanted, it’s exactly what I needed.

 In those same 12 years, we have made each place a home and learned that home is less about the house but more about the ones you share it with. Each house has had its own unique challenges, but looking back, I can also see how each has placed us just where we needed to be- whether because of the neighborhood, the community, the neighbors, the proximity to friends/church building, or the school zone.

Each time we have moved, we have found a new place to worship but it has always been more than that, for each church body has become our church family. We have been loved by them, encouraged and challenged by them, supported and assisted by them, and allowed to grow and serve alongside them in every location, and with each move, our family just grew bigger and more diverse.

Each move has taken us to a new part of the country, providing us with the opportunity to meet so many different people at all stages of life and from all types of backgrounds. We have seen through all of this the beauty of God’s creation- in the diversity of the landscape and the endless uniqueness of each individual we’ve met. We have learned that relationships do not have to be defined by time or space but by the love and care between two people- no matter the distance and time between.

God has used our moves to keep me moving figuratively as well. Serving with several different organizations and in ways I never would have believed. He has used these different serving opportunities as stepping stones for future endeavors and I have watched as each has helped me better understand what drives me, what excites me and what I am most passionate about.

We have watched our girls grow in resiliency and courage and seen their faith grow alongside.

We have faced hard goodbyes and had to stare down some of our deepest fears only to find that God had already laid the groundwork to provide for each, helping and supporting us through those He’d placed in our lives. But with some of the hardest goodbyes (deployments), we have also had the opportunity to experience the sweetest of reunions and joy.

Above all else, I have spent those 12 years with my best friend and partner, and together we have made a family with two sweet, compassionate, beautifully unique little girls.

So is it hard? Yes.
Is it stressful? Yes.
Do I feel like a fish out of water at times? Absolutely.
Does my life look anything like what I imagined as a girl? Certainly not- but despite all of that, it is absolutely worth it. All I have learned; all I have seen and experienced have helped to make me the woman I am today. It has deepened my faith and taught me to look to God first and not just when everything is crashing down around me. I still mess up but I can see the immeasurable good that has come from what seemed like the impossible.

So where do you find yourself today? Is there something that you keep thinking about that seems impossible or scary? What is something you are drawn to but don’t feel strong enough or well-equipped for? Let God lead you. Take a step of faith and see what mighty, incredible things He has in store for you. I can tell you this, the path will not always be easy, but it is worth it, and you’ll never regret following His leading in your life.

Two Roads

For the last month or so, Drew and I have been standing at an intersection point in our lives. Two paths lay before us, and we were going to have to decide which one to take. As I looked at the two options, the decision seemed impossible. Both paths would come with benefits as well as concerns/disadvantages, and I truly could not see anywhere where the balances really tipped in favor of one or the other. One day I would lean towards the one path, and the next I was leaning in the other direction. There was good in both; there was uncertainty in both. There were things I looked forward to in both; there were things I feared in both.

Throughout all of our decision-making process, we have been praying that God would lead us onto the path that was best for us- both individually and as a family. Drew and I desire above all else to serve the Lord and walk in His will, and so we asked Him to show us what that was in this situation. As time went on though, I had to admit that one direction was definitely the desire of my heart, and I very much wanted to see God moving us in that direction. So I prayed just for that. I told God how much I liked the idea of the one path and asked him to open a door- clear the path even just a little bit- in that direction if it was in His will and would be good for us.

I prayed and I watched. I looked for anything that might appear to be an open door or even a cracked window. And out of the blue, an opening appeared…. but not in the direction I wanted. The opening wasn’t a definite though- just a bit of a clearing- and so I prayed again. I acknowledged the opening that had appeared and expressed my confusion and prayed that God would just make things a bit clearer. All the while, I laid the wishes of my heart at his feet and asked Him to direct us.

A week ago, the time came when the decision had to be made. Drew received two pieces of news; one didn’t move us much to the left or the right, but the other confirmed that although the opening wasn’t definite- it was highly likely. The path that I liked less was being opened to us more and more. Meanwhile none of my research- of which I did a great deal- had cleared the way at all on the path I longed for.  I wish I could say that I recognized right then and there that God was showing us what to do and that I made the decision myself to follow along that path…. But I couldn’t. There hadn’t been any flashing signs pointing us in one direction or the other- only gentle nudges- so maybe, just maybe, God hadn’t given us a final answer yet.

Drew and I talked that night after which he told me the direction he thought we should go. It wasn’t the choice my heart wanted, but deep down, I knew it was the choice we were being called to make. And in that moment, I had to admit to myself that perhaps God’s answer to my prayers had been a “no.” It hurts to admit that because I wanted the one path so very much, but I have also seen God work in mighty, incredible ways after gently and lovingly telling me “no.” The path has rarely been easy and has often been downright painful, but looking back at those times, I am so grateful God didn’t give me what I wanted. Instead He said “no” and gave me exactly what I needed.

And so we have taken our first steps down the one path- moving forward in confidence that the Lord has directed our steps and will see us through because we have seen what the psalmists knew when they wrote, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.” Psalm 37:5 and “those who know your name, put their trust in you, for you O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10

It’s only been a week since the decision was made, and I find myself mourning the path we will not take- needing time to say “goodbye” to the dream, so I can move forward without regret or doubt. I am vulnerable in that way, and the adversary is certainly trying to take advantage of that. Already I can see doubt and fear trying to undermine that confidence. In just the last few days, I have had three separate occasions where I have been forced to face the hardships we will likely endure on our intended path. The fears, the frustrations that made this path less appealing are staring me in the face, prodding me to turn back, but there is no turning back. Circumstances won’t allow it, and deep down, I know the only way through this life- no matter what path we had chosen- is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, for He is my savior and deliverer, and He has promised, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

So as I take the next step down the path set before us, I think back to the Robert Frost quote above and remember that the diverging paths set before me wasn’t actually about the decision we made. No in reality, it is something far greater: To follow Christ in all things or to go my own way. And I trust that because of His leading-- the hard road, the dirtier road- the road less traveled- is the road that will lead us to our greatest joy and peace.

 “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

A New Life

Last Sunday our oldest confessed Jesus as her Lord and Savior and was baptized.

I just have to pause here for a moment. Praise the Lord! There is nothing better- nothing has brought us more joy than watching as she has grown in her faith and taken this step in her walk with God. Happy, happy day and we know that the angels are rejoicing with us!

While our church family saw the baptism for themselves, I had a glimpse of what was going on behind the scenes as Naomi prepared for the baptism. She may have been excited about being baptized, but she was also nervous about being in front of and speaking before a large group of people. This is not the first time we have seen this with her so we had made plans for just such a situation.

Drew walked her through the whole process and then eased her fears with humor. When her nerves cropped up again, we encouraged her to focus on Drew- to look at him and speak as though he was the only one in the room. And in the moment when Naomi needed to repeat her confession of faith, Drew bent down so they could be at eye level with each other.

She did wonderful when the time came and I know part of that came from the calm, strength and encouragement of her father. And as I watched the relationship between Drew and Naomi, I saw a glimpse of the relationship we each can have with God if we will only look to and keep our eyes on Him.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, 

“I will rescue him; I will protect him, 

for he acknowledges my name. 

He will call on me, and I will answer him; 

I will be with him in trouble, 

I will deliver him and honor him. 

With long life I will satisfy him 

and show him my salvation.” 

Psalm 91:14-16

A relationship where we are:

    Met where we are- on our level.

Offered hope, encouragement, strength and guidance.

Experience mutual love and perfect joy.

All resulting in absolute trust and unparalleled peace.

Lord,
We have prayed and prayed for this young girl and her relationship with you, and now as we celebrate this decision she has made, I will pray again- for we know this is not the end but the beginning of a whole new story..... the story of her new life with You. 

I thank you Lord for her decision. I thank you for her keen mind and tender heart which recognized the problem and sought answers. I thank you for all of those who have spoke into her life and taught her through word and example more about You, Your love and a life lived for You. 

Now Lord I pray for her as she starts her new life in You. I pray for her to remain rooted in You, always- ALWAYS- keeping her eyes focused on You, knowing that You are where her identity, strength, comfort and peace will be found. I pray that as she has found that in Drew, she will come to know and trust the same in regards to You. 

I pray that You will give us wisdom as we help her to grow more in her faith and her relationship with You, and that no matter where we may call home, You will help place others- adults and friends- who help her along that path as well.

Protect her tender heart for it is the source of her compassion. Guide her in the ways to use her strength of will so that it helps her to stand confidently in You.

Thank you Lord for loving her and pursuing her. Thank you Lord for giving her to us.

Nothing is Impossible

I have come to love my thirty minute drives to and from church. So often, particularly when I am alone, I find myself mulling over a verse I read earlier or I will spend the time in prayer. I don’t manage to solve the world’s problems, but along the way, God helps me to find understanding and peace regarding my place, my job in the midst of “the world’s problems.” Yesterday was one such day.

Yesterday I felt compelled to pray. My mind was heavy with the many requests I knew of- individuals struggling with persistent health issues, new and unexpected stages of life, surgeries, despair, addiction, lack of faith and more. My heart ached as I considered all the ways sin and its stain was affecting the lives of those near and dear to me. As I prayed, I noticed a theme. I would find myself uncertain of even what to ask for because every possibility I considered seemed impossible…..  but that’s the beauty of prayer. When things appear impossible to us, we can take our concerns and troubles, worries and doubts to the One for whom nothing- absolutely NOTHING- is impossible.

Nothing is impossible for the One who created the heavens and the earth.
Nothing is impossible for the One who made the sun stand still.
Nothing is impossible for the One who preserved- without singe or smell- Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fiery furnace.
Nothing is impossible for the One who knew the Samaritan Woman’s whole life story.
And absolutely nothing is impossible for the One who conquered death.

Gabriel, the archangel, declared this very thing to Mary when she questioned how she, a virgin, could give birth to a son. (Luke 1:37) And in Matthew 19, Jesus himself stated, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (verse 26)

I don’t know all that weighs on your heart and mind today. I don’t know what you are personally going through or what those you love may be going through, but I do know the One who is able.

I know the One who has brought peace and joy in the midst of pain and loss.
I know the One who has healed what seemed untreatable.
I know the One who holds the answer when medical personnel run out of options.
I know the One who claims victory over every addiction and every sin that bind us.
I know the One who loved us and sacrificed everything for us, even those who still deny Him.

And because I know the One who is able, I know He can do the impossible in your life today. “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” (1 John 5:14) I cannot promise it will always be the answer we are looking for, but it will always be for our eternal good. If we can humble ourselves and acknowledge as Job did, “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2)

Through You
Blind eyes are opened
Strongholds are broken
I am living by faith
Nothing is impossible!

(Nothing is Impossible- Planetshakers)

A New Response

For the past few weeks, someone who had once been a very good friend to both Drew and I has been posting numerous comments, memes, etc. on Facebook that attacked the idea of God. I knew this had been their position for several years now and I have been saddened by their choice. However I have always acknowledged that it is their choice.... their God-given choice.... and accepted that I was not currently in a position to have much influence in their life. But these latest posts have sat with me differently. I don't know if something has changed- if the posts are more caustic or angry- or if it is just a change in my perception, but while I still grieved for this friend's current position and whatever events have led them to a position that appears to be filled with anger, hatred and pain, I also felt a need to address it somehow. Yet the reality is our situation hadn't changed. It had been years since we had the chance to spend time together and it had even been several years since we had a meaningful conversation. How could I hope to reach them when I only know what I see shared on social media? And so I prayed. I prayed for them. I prayed those who might influence them and I prayed for an answer as to what my role might be.

The comments continued and I found myself praying more and more for this individual who I once called friend. But as the comments continued, I found that I was carrying around more and more sorrow for them and it was beginning to consume me and weigh me down. I toyed with the idea of asking Facebook to show me fewer of their comments just to give myself a bit of a break- a respite- but I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right and I didn't want to limit my world to only those who agree with me or cause me no sadness or sorrow. But I needed to find some way to handle all the emotions that were beginning to overwhelm me, so I went to Drew for advice.

When Drew heard my story, he keyed in on the times I had prayed and advised me to focus on that. Drew suggested that each time I saw a post from this individual, I should use it as a reminder to pray for them and then do just that. I loved the idea. I may not feel I'm in a good position to speak verbally into their life at this point, but I can certainly take their needs- known or unknown to me- and place them in the hands of God. And so I went forward feeling equipped for what may come.

The next day, I ran across another post from this person but this time they was specifically attacking Christian parents- and it immediately felt far more personal. They may not have intentionally thought of Drew and I, but in the end, their words referred to us as well. These words were not just unkind or condemning; they were slanderous. They implied that the very fact that we would choose to teach our children about God made us child abusers in their eyes. I was devastated.

I knew I should pray but the sadness and hurt clouded my thoughts, and I struggled to put any words together. How should I pray for someone who held such a terrible view of me? What should I even pray for? I didn't want the prayer to be about me- that wasn't the purpose- but I was struggling to separate out my own feelings in the moment.

But then- as I took a little time just to try to collect myself and my thoughts, something occurred to me. This wasn't a coincidence. Less than 24 hours ago, I had committed myself to pray for this individual on what I believed would be a fairly regular basis, and suddenly I am confronted with a post that cut me deeper and more personally than anything before. And I found myself wondering if Satan wasn't intentionally trying to keep me from praying for this person. It certainly felt that way. And at that moment, I knew there was only one thing I could and should do. So I prayed and when I struggled with the words, God provided.

Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about the event and the lesson that is so clearly within. I haven't patted myself on the back (or shared this now in hopes of the same) because in reality this should have been my response all along. What was Jesus' response when people insulted Him?

 "Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.” The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” There was a written notice above him, which read: this is the king of the Jews. One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!” But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23: 34-43

Jesus prayed for those who beat him, mocked him, sneered at him and wrongly accused him. If his actions were not enough, he also taught us, saying:

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." Matthew 5: 38-42

and later in the same chapter:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:43-45

How do I- how do you- respond when we are insulted or maligned because of our faith?
How often do we allow our first emotions of hurt, anger, sadness to come between us and the chance to reflect God's pure, unadulterated love?
How many times have our emotions and our personal hurt or irritation caused us to view the other party through our own eyes instead of the eyes of their loving Creator?
How often have we responded in a way that suits our wishes but not the will of God?

The reality is that what I shared above was truly minor. It wasn't even directly aimed at Drew or I, but even so, it took a clear reminder from God to help me do what I should have done from the start. If I want to "be prepared in season and out of season"  (2 Timothy 4:2a), I need to start with the little things that are in front of me now.

My Untold Story

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present 

nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

April 1, 2018

Saved from Myself
Oh the work that was accomplished on this weekend so many years ago! This weekend my soul rejoices because I have seen personally how Jesus' death, burial and triumph over the grave can change your life. This weekend, I remember how Jesus' sacrifice, love and forgiveness saved me from myself.

I feel compelled to share this piece of my story but at the same time, I am extremely nervous. This particular time in my life that I want to share was definitely the darkest, lowest, ugliest time I can recall and the thought of exposing it to whomever chooses to read this is a bit daunting. Despite the fact that this was something I struggled with for nearly two years, only a select few even know it existed. Shame, fear, sadness and reproach still cloud my thoughts when I think back to this particular time. Yet I know that God has redeemed this part of my story as well and I trust He will continue as He has done all along. So here goes.........

Back when I was in high school, I went through a time of great self-reproach and disgust. For those on the outside looking in, there would have been nothing to hint that this was going on. I appeared to have things well in hand. I was doing well in school, had several good friends, was involved in numerous extra curricular clubs and activities, and generally excelled at whatever I put my mind to do. However I had been fed a load of lies- a running monologue of all the ways what I was doing wasn't enough and would never be. No person spoke these things to me so I can only assume it was the work of the devil, eager to destroy me with these lies..... and you know what, they nearly did.

I looked at myself and saw nothing but disappointment and failure. Nothing I did was good enough. I lacked self-control and was too selfish, prideful and judgmental. I couldn't see anything of value in myself and did not see any reason people should love or care for me. I had nothing to offer. These things may not seem that terrible to some, but the thoughts were so pervasive and constant I couldn't see a way out and I honestly struggled with the question of whether it wouldn't be better if I just ended things. For nearly two years, I struggled with thoughts of suicide. I made a plan, had access to every thing I needed, and even decided on the best time to act to ensure effectiveness. I remember laying in my bed debating the idea time and again. Do I? Could I? Why shouldn't I?

All that stayed my hand was the love of my Savior. Whenever I seemed to come close to acting on these thoughts, He was there reminding me that He loved me- even at my ugliest. He showed me that I was worth fighting for- even when I couldn't see anything worth saving. From one time to the next, the method He used changed- a friend, a Bible verse, a song- but each time He was there reminding me that I was His precious child, worth everything to Him- even the sacrifice of His own son.

I cannot tell you when things changed because it's too hard to pinpoint one event or moment. It just didn't happen like that, but the more I listened to what God was telling me, the less I heard the lies. And the less I heard the lies, the more I understood the beauty of the cross and the grace and love that are found there. I am here today because God loved me too much to leave me how and where I was. Thank you Lord for your amazing love and grace!

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

This is my story.

This is my song.

I'll praise my Savior all day, every day, long!